My Husband is Not My Girlfriend

Believe it or not, this was actually a revelation to me sometime in the first year of marriage.

I recognize that getting married instantly changes a lot of things, no matter the age. But, when you get married for the first time over age 40, you have about 20 years of developing what constitutes a relationship for you. For 20 years, my main companions were girlfriends and friends who were men (with a boyfriend thrown in there now and again).

This means my relationship communication style evolved into — how shall I put it? — one that actually includes talking.

My male friends never mentioned that this talking thing was an issue. (But, maybe, all along they were thinking why is she still talking about shoes, and how do I make it stop?)

Husband, on the other hand, had 20 years of– how shall I put it? – being a man. This involved (and still involves) doing manly things and talking about manly things (read: not talking that much).

I now spend a great deal of time living with another human being who does not respond at all like my girlfriends and sometimes doesn’t respond at all. Surprise! Certain subjects do not call to him. For instance, Husband is not interested in:

•  Hearing anything about shopping – ever
• Rehashing what happened at the party
• The color of anything
• If this makes me look fat
• My family’s dynamics (which is usually about how someone mis-communicated something)
• Why he doesn’t talk more

I wonder what my girlfriends are up to? Probably shopping, rehashing a party where they saw cute shoes in a cute color on someone who just really shouldn’t have worn that, which they would share with their cousin if only they were still talking to her.

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