Archive for July, 2009
Knowing Your Spouse’s Incapabilities
Posted by: | CommentsI woke up a few days ago hearing a peculiar – but familiar – sound. Water running. Husband had left at 4 a.m. that morning, already heading out on vacation. (I’ll be joining later.) So, clearly either someone else decided to stop by for an impromptu shower upstairs without telling me, or something had to be running somewhere that shouldn’t be.
After finally rising to find out where the river-sounds were coming from, I discovered our garden hose, innocently lying on the back terrace, was spewing out water. It had been left on. And, not for just a little while. This was evidenced by the new backyard swimming pool that had developed. The neighbors got one, too, as the water ran downstream to their backyard.
What’s a girl to do? I just turned it off and went back inside. I figured the water would eventually seep into the ground.
However, apparently the neighbors were not happy with their new reflecting pool, which was rapidly turning into more like a running river. It wasn’t seeping into the ground easily. Not pleased, they called the association president on us. (Why do these things only happen when Husband is out of town?) There I was ironing in my usual morning attire (read: nothing) when I heard banging and found two faces peering in. Awk-ward.
I explained to the neighbor and association president (after putting on clothes, of course) that I had no idea what happened. As they stood in ankle deep water, I apologized nonetheless. Everyone cooled down. The water began to recede ever so slightly. And, I called Husband.
I asked. Ummm, any chance you left the hose running last night? Remember when you went out back to water the grass at 10 p.m. and it was dark? Well, I woke up this morning to our new swimming hole. Neighbors, too. They thought a main pipe had burst underground.”
He laughed.
Husband swore he did not – could not – turn on the garden hose, drop it on the ground, and then walk away. It just wasn’t in his nature to do something so careless. And, ya know what? I agreed with him. It must have been some local prankster (or the gremlins).
Which now brings me to my whole point. I have finally reached the point where I know (at least some) of the things Husband simply would not, could not, do. It’s a strange bit of information to have about someone. But, it comes in handy when neighbors come knocking at 8 in the morning.
Quote of the Week: Unsaid
Posted by: | CommentsFor a marriage to have any chance, every day at least six things should go unsaid.
Unknown
How Far Would You Go To Die With Your Husband?
Posted by: | CommentsAm I the only one a little bit freaked out by this story?
A couple, married for 54 years, decided to die together via assisted suicide. I mean, I love Husband (and yes, I do want us to go together — preferably in our sleep after a really, really good meal and bottle(s) of wine after the best sex in my La Perla), but I’m not taking a shot of poison in the arm (or whatever they do) for it.
I may have chosen until I was over 40 to get married for the first time, which makes me a certifiable romantic. However, I’ll let the almighty determine when I leave the earth.
Would you choose when you’d go?
Why Does It Take Men So Long To Pack?
Posted by: | CommentsRecently Husband was making his annual foray into the garage to unpack (only to repack) all the camping gear for the big fly-in convention at Oshkosh. It looked as if a camping store had exploded in our living room.
He was going to be camping with 15,000 other pilots in the woods for about 10 days, so apparently this required a lot of stuff. Which brings me to my question: why does it take men five days to pack to go away for just over a week? I can pack in under two hours no matter the duration or destination of any trip. Husband says this is because I just pack everything. He is more judicious about what makes the cut. Only select items go into his duffel bag.
Of course, camping gear is another matter, he says. Hence, the five day packing rigamarole. Husband was an Eagle Scout back in the younger days, so he was bound and determined to be prepared for anything. (Apparently, it actually dipped to below 40 degrees in Wisconsin during one of his July trips to this flying convention. He had to buy a winter coat en route. So, he’s not getting caught again.)
One thing I can say for Husband. It may take him forever to pack, but when we travel, I do not have to worry about the following things: terrorism, bad weather, or lack of electricity or water. (Notice I did not write “heat.” This is because Husband never gets cold. See posts on temperature wars for reference.) Of course, I’ll still have to rough it. But, we won’t die. I am supposed to be comforted by this fact.
So, for a one-week stay, a mini-van or SUV is packed to the gills with camping equipment I didn’t even know existed in our tiny garage.
Here’s the thing about getting married older – you inherit all kinds of stuff. I did not realize when I got married that I also married a camping store. I have blogged before about all the not-always-working electronics we house. What went unmentioned is the other side of the garage – the one housing all the folding chairs, sleeping bags, lanterns, cook stoves and plastic bins containing ropes, spikes, tents, and things I couldn’t name in a police line-up.
For the record, I grew up camping. Our family summer trips were always a week or two in the Adirondack mountains by a lake. Every night I washed the dishes after dinner in plastic tub full of water and we slept in sleeping bags on the ground with no padding. So, I’m no camping sissy. But, five of us squeezed into our existing car with all our stuff, so you see my perplexity around the need for a mini-van for two people. Even if you are preparing for a potential Hurricane.
Naturally, I am grateful once I get there. I have a chair to sit in, a tarp over my head for those sudden Wisconsin skybursts, and padding under my sleeping bag. And, last year, I flew in for just a few days. I sent my stuff with Husband, so I could just show up. Oh, the benefits of an advance team – even one that takes over my living room for five days to prepare.
Marrying a Divorced Man Has Its Bennies
Posted by: | CommentsBrideTide recently tweeted: The reason honey is so easy to digest is that it’s already been digested by a bee. Kinda gross, but true.
Besides making me laugh, I instantly through of why marrying a divorced man was probably always in the cards for me. (Yes, I can access my obsession over my relationship in less than a nanosecond. Even on far less.)
A divorced man ensures one thing: been there, done that. And, I don’t have time to train.
Husband was free-wheeling and single (in Europe of all places) for a while, married a long time before me, had two great sons, and then single again for about five years. All of which have brought terrific benefits.
(Husband, on the other hand, did not get so lucky. He’s starting from scratch with a first-time wife. Hopefully he sees it kinda like a diamond in the rough, but I wouldn’t blame him if it felt more like panning for gold 100 years after the gold rush some days.)
Yes, getting married for the first time later in life brings it own set of issues. But, also fantastic reasons exist to wait, especially if you marry someone who has been to the circus already. The benefits, in no particular order and certainly not a complete list, include:
- He’s been to war (read: divorce) and probably decided it wasn’t so much fun. And, — here’s the benefit — dedicated to not goin’ there again.
- The likelihood of him having children already is greater. And, if you aren’t planning on having children (or you are over 40 and the thought of starting that at this age makes you want to take a nap) then, it’s taken care of.
- He knows how to do stuff, which may include laundry and cooking (or otherwise he would have starved in dirty socks). Do make sure it’s the stuff you like or need, however.
- More likely than not, he’s got a job. In fact, had several and is more marketable. You’ll know his ability to attract and handle “funding” pretty quickly. He’s had to pay up.
- He has seen other women who are older than 25, naked. This is crucial.
- He has seen the “before and after” of make-up, too much tequila, and three-day business trips. And, they all ran together. His beloved was just the same person at that point, with or without mascara. And, in fact, he may have begun to prefer the “no make-up look,” which is also crucial for living together in harmony.
I could go on. But above is a starter list for the those who are not “starter wives.”
Naturally, there is the issue of emotional baggage from said visit to said circus. But, then, the trick is to get them after therapy. (Make sure he gets you after it, too.)
LBBs and the Urge To Run for the Hills
Posted by: | CommentsOkay, I realize that lately I have been lobbing books, podcasts and articles at you a bit much. But, I can’t help but throw another one on to the pile. Time magazine recently published an article titled Is There Hope for the American Marriage? Before reading, I thought, great, another article about the demise of marriage in America and how we are all going to hell and a handbasket for it. But, I took the plunge anyway.
Basic question it poses: Do we have far too many “outs” to stay “in?” Of course, famous marriage mix-ups from Jon and Kate (of the Plus 8 fame) and ridiculous governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford, are held up as recent examples of marital meltdown. And, how it was just so durn easy to take the path not recommended, from affairs to feeding one’s own discontent.
Made me ponder. (Surprise!)
This urge to run may not be unique among marital partners. But, I’ll tell ya’ late bloomer brides may be fighting this battle even more than our younger married counterparts.
You see, LBBs usually come with an interesting trait. The proven ability to live all alone, perfectly happily. Also, if you add a number of years of bad (or at least wrong-for-you) boyfriends and dates, and you’ll find most LBBs have developed an intricate web of escape routes. I mean, we had to. If not, I would have been married to either T. or (shudder) R. right now. Husband would not have been on the menu at all. So, the ability to run was necessary in order to avoid mistakes.
However, now as a happy LBB, we sometimes find old habits die hard. Things get tough? The adrenaline rushes, the imagination goes wild (Hmmm, if I was single, I really could just buy that chair he hates), and plans begin to be mulled over. All this happens in a nano-second, of course. We then are snapped back into reality. Do we really want to leave? Of course not. I have found that most LBBs are, if anything, hopeful.
But, LBB’s fantasy life was at center stage a lot when single, and this has made the desire to change things that are less than perfect, very, very strong. (See posts on fantasy and movies to better understand this desire to split when things aren’t perfect.)
The urge to run also can get ingrained because it feeds our desire to stay independent. We don’t act on it. But, it pounds on the heart nonetheless. Perhaps another skill an LBB might want to consider working on is putting these “running” thoughts in their proper place — on the back burner. We want to marry men who would find it easy to be faithful to us. But, shouldn’t that also mean we are women who would find it hard to run?
(For the record, Husband knows that I’m with Jon Bon Jovi’s wife. Jon was famously quoted as saying that the secret to his long-standing marriage is that his wife declared that if he ever left her, she was going to come with him.)
Wonderful Husband Alert: He Cooks!
Posted by: | CommentsJust when I was all set to stay mad for a while, Husband goes and does something wonderful.
I came home Sunday night — after spending the weekend with girlfriends at the “rivah house” – to find Husband made dinner for us. But, not just any dinner. (He considers a bowl of cereal a fine meal.) This one involved him going shopping – Irish cheddar cheese and rosemary bread for an appetizer and crab cakes and scallops for the main course. He even baked the scallops in some sort of special tapenade. (He downloaded a recipe off the Internet.)
We had a little “to do” before I left, so I wasn’t expecting such a homecoming. But, I’ll tell you, I couldn’t remember exactly what I was mad about anymore. I’m so easy.
Quote of the Week: Listening
Posted by: | CommentsThe most important marriage skill is listening to your partner in a way that they can’t possibly doubt that you love them.
Diane Sollee
The Genetic Side of Pairing (and Un-Pairing)
Posted by: | CommentsMy friend, Paul, sent me this fascinating podcast with biological anthropologist Helen Fisher a while ago. In true late bloomer fashion, I just got around to taking a listen. I was hooked in the first two minutes.
Fisher has studied male and female attraction from a biological (over psychological) standpoint. She likes to explore why we are biologically drawn to some people over others. She has written several books including: Why Him Why Her and Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love.
What interested me most during her interview was that she found that most divorces occur in the fourth year of marriage. (Eek. Husband and I are celebrating our 4th anniversary in September. )
Her theory is that it takes four years for a man and woman to have and raise one child through infancy. And, maybe our genes include something our prehistoric ancestors thought was a pretty good deal – get one kid going, break up, and get the opportunity to plant your seeds elsewhere. This would ensure more genetic variety in their young.
I’m glad Husband has already had his two (now grown) children out of the way. And, I wonder if being a late bloomer bride (most of us either at, or growing toward, our non-childbearing years) throws the curve. Let’s hope so.
In this podcast, she also talks about other, new theories as outlined in her newest book, Why Him Why Her. She identifies four coupling “types:” Builder, Explorer, Director, and Negotiator. She does say that the Builder would be more likely to a longer monogamous relationship, whereas the Explorer is, well, exploratory. She went on to describe the Negotiator and the Director types as well. At this point, I got concerned (because naturally I began to analyze Husband and I.) She is quick to point out that opposites can attract. Whew.
