2009 July | Late Bloomer Bride

BrideTide recently tweeted: The reason honey is so easy to digest is that it’s already been digested by a bee. Kinda gross, but true.

Besides making me laugh, I instantly through of why marrying a divorced man was probably always in the cards for me. (Yes, I can access my obsession over my relationship in less than a nanosecond. Even on far less.)

A divorced man ensures one thing: been there, done that. And, I don’t have time to train.

Husband was free-wheeling and single (in Europe of all places) for a while, married a long time before me, had two great sons, and then single again for about five years. All of which have brought terrific benefits.

(Husband, on the other hand, did not get so lucky. He’s starting from scratch with a first-time wife. Hopefully he sees it kinda like a diamond in the rough, but I wouldn’t blame him if it felt more like panning for gold 100 years after the gold rush some days.)

Yes, getting married for the first time later in life brings it own set of issues. But, also fantastic reasons exist to wait, especially if you marry someone who has been to the circus already. The benefits, in no particular order and certainly not a complete list, include:

He’s been to war (read: divorce) and probably decided it wasn’t so much fun. And, — here’s the benefit — dedicated to not goin’ there again.
The likelihood of him having children already is greater. And, if you aren’t planning on having children (or you are over 40 and the thought of starting that at this age makes you want to take a nap) then, it’s taken care of.
He knows how to do stuff, which may include laundry and cooking (or otherwise he would have starved in dirty socks). Do make sure it’s the stuff you like or need, however.
More likely than not, he’s got a job. In fact, had several and is more marketable. You’ll know his ability to attract and handle “funding” pretty quickly. He’s had to pay up.
He has seen other women who are older than 25, naked. This is crucial.
He has seen the “before and after” of make-up, too much tequila, and three-day business trips. And, they all ran together. His beloved was just the same person at that point, with or without mascara. And, in fact, he may have begun to prefer the “no make-up look,” which is also crucial for living together in harmony.

I could go on. But above is a starter list for the those who are not “starter wives.”

Naturally, there is the issue of emotional baggage from said visit to said circus. But, then, the trick is to get them after therapy. (Make sure he gets you after it, too.)

Okay, I realize that lately I have been lobbing books, podcasts and articles at you a bit much. But, I can’t help but throw another one on to the pile. Time magazine recently published an article titled Is There Hope for the American Marriage? Before reading, I thought, great, another article about the demise of marriage in America and how we are all going to hell and a handbasket for it. But, I took the plunge anyway.

Basic question it poses: Do we have far too many “outs” to stay “in?” Of course, famous marriage mix-ups from Jon and Kate (of the Plus 8 fame) and ridiculous governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford, are held up as recent examples of marital meltdown. And, how it was just so durn easy to take the path not recommended, from affairs to feeding one’s own discontent.

Made me ponder. (Surprise!)

This urge to run may not be unique among marital partners. But, I’ll tell ya’ late bloomer brides may be fighting this battle even more than our younger married counterparts.

You see, LBBs usually come with an interesting trait. The proven ability to live all alone, perfectly happily. Also, if you add a number of years of bad (or at least wrong-for-you) boyfriends and dates, and you’ll find most LBBs have developed an intricate web of escape routes. I mean, we had to. If not, I would have been married to either T. or (shudder) R. right now. Husband would not have been on the menu at all. So, the ability to run was necessary in order to avoid mistakes.

However, now as a happy LBB, we sometimes find old habits die hard. Things get tough? The adrenaline rushes, the imagination goes wild (Hmmm, if I was single, I really could just buy that chair he hates), and plans begin to be mulled over. All this happens in a nano-second, of course. We then are snapped back into reality. Do we really want to leave? Of course not. I have found that most LBBs are, if anything, hopeful.

But, LBB’s fantasy life was at center stage a lot when single, and this has made the desire to change things that are less than perfect, very, very strong. (See posts on fantasy and movies to better understand this desire to split when things aren’t perfect.)

The urge to run also can get ingrained because it feeds our desire to stay independent. We don’t act on it. But, it pounds on the heart nonetheless. Perhaps another skill an LBB might want to consider working on is putting these “running” thoughts in their proper place — on the back burner. We want to marry men who would find it easy to be faithful to us. But, shouldn’t that also mean we are women who would find it hard to run?

(For the record, Husband knows that I’m with Jon Bon Jovi’s wife. Jon was famously quoted as saying that the secret to his long-standing marriage is that his wife declared that if he ever left her, she was going to come with him.)

Just when I was all set to stay mad for a while, Husband goes and does something wonderful.

I came home Sunday night — after spending the weekend with girlfriends at the “rivah house” – to find Husband made dinner for us. But, not just any dinner. (He considers a bowl of cereal a fine meal.) This one involved him going shopping – Irish cheddar cheese and rosemary bread for an appetizer and crab cakes and scallops for the main course. He even baked the scallops in some sort of special tapenade. (He downloaded a recipe off the Internet.)

We had a little “to do” before I left, so I wasn’t expecting such a homecoming. But, I’ll tell you, I couldn’t remember exactly what I was mad about anymore. I’m so easy.

The most important marriage skill is listening to your partner in a way that they can’t possibly doubt that you love them.
Diane Sollee

My friend, Paul, sent me this fascinating podcast with biological anthropologist Helen Fisher a while ago. In true late bloomer fashion, I just got around to taking a listen. I was hooked in the first two minutes.

Fisher has studied male and female attraction from a biological (over psychological) standpoint. She likes to explore why we are biologically drawn to some people over others. She has written several books including: Why Him Why Her and Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love.

What interested me most during her interview was that she found that most divorces occur in the fourth year of marriage. (Eek. Husband and I are celebrating our 4^th anniversary in September. )

Her theory is that it takes four years for a man and woman to have and raise one child through infancy. And, maybe our genes include something our prehistoric ancestors thought was a pretty good deal – get one kid going, break up, and get the opportunity to plant your seeds elsewhere. This would ensure more genetic variety in their young.

I’m glad Husband has already had his two (now grown) children out of the way. And, I wonder if being a late bloomer bride (most of us either at, or growing toward, our non-childbearing years) throws the curve. Let’s hope so.

In this podcast, she also talks about other, new theories as outlined in her newest book, Why Him Why Her. She identifies four coupling “types:” Builder, Explorer, Director, and Negotiator. She does say that the Builder would be more likely to a longer monogamous relationship, whereas the Explorer is, well, exploratory. She went on to describe the Negotiator and the Director types as well. At this point, I got concerned (because naturally I began to analyze Husband and I.) She is quick to point out that opposites can attract. Whew.

Late Bloomer Bride

Marrying a Divorced Man Has Its Bennies

LBBs and the Urge To Run for the Hills

Wonderful Husband Alert: He Cooks!

Quote of the Week: Listening

The Genetic Side of Pairing (and Un-Pairing)