Archive for October, 2009
Scandinavia—Land of My Peeps
Posted by: | CommentsFor some reason the Universe keeps pointing me East. Not to the Far East. No, it’s telling me to stop far short of that. It’s whispering Scandinavia.
Everywhere I turn I am seeing, hearing, reading things about Scandinavia, especially Sweden and Denmark. So Husband and I are planning (okay, well, I am planning for us) a vacation to Sweden sometime in the next 12 months. Because, I obey the universe when it calls. Plus, how could you not want to visit the part of the world that invented the sauna, the smorgasbord (pickled herring aside), ABBA and the Nobel Peace prize?
It also appears, this is the land of my people. My LBB peeps.
Oprah recently did a show* — guys, stay with me here – taking a look at how women live in different countries. She (but mostly her crew) travelled from Denmark to Rio, from Tokyo to Dubai, to take a peek into the daily lives of families in each of these very different places. Naturally, she started with Denmark as she recently was there to help lobby for the next Olympic games to be held in Chicago (in case you haven’t heard, Rio won the bid). She was struck at how happy everyone seemed to be. A show was born.
Did you know the happiest people in the world are in Denmark**? The women I saw from there on Oprah’s show were positively glowing.
Interestingly, this country has a lot of late bloomer brides. In reality, “late bloomer” probably isn’t even a concept there. But, they do get married later or not at all. In fact, marriage is slowly going out of fashion all over Scandinavia, according to my (very unscientific Google) research.
As what one Danish woman interviewed on Oprah said, getting married isn’t a goal in Denmark. Rather, finding the right mate is. (And, we all know at least one friend in the U.S. who seemed more interested in the wedding than the marriage.)
At the same time, Scandinavians appear to have a very strong commitment to family. It’s just the paper-between-each-other-thing that has been viewed as, well, not always that necessary. What constitutes a family in Scandinavia is based on parenthood, not marriage. (Sixty percent of first-born children in Denmark have unmarried parents, according to this Weekly Standard article***.)
If you are an American woman over the age of 35, there was a high likelihood it was drilled into your head that in order to be “complete” you must get married — preferably as soon as possible. It’s a societal directive that is hard to shake. And, this silent command has put lots of women in unhappy positions**** – like working themselves to death between the office, the nursery and the home.
So, feeling the pressure? Consider Scandinavia. (Just don’t blame me about the taxes.)
P.S. Father (as in my father) is wondering how I am going to handle the famous Scandinavian cold when we arrive in Sweden. As the family geneologist, he says we have Viking in our background so he understands the pull (but that somehow my blood was corrupted along the way with my aversion to the cold). Simple, really. I plan on spending much quality time in the saunas, of which I am promised exist every 10 feet.
P.S.S. Very interesting articles on the subjects above:
*Women Around the World by Oprah and her army
**Denmark: The Happiest Place on earth, report by ABC News
***The End of Marriage in Scandinavia by Stanley Kurtz
****The Real Reason American Women Are So Unhappy by Sharon Lerner
Women Earning More than Their Men Folk
Posted by: | CommentsI imagine this could easily be a scenario for a late bloomer bride. I mean, we had many years to do, well, whatever. And, that often included a focus on career. Usually without children (though not always). So, this article on women earning more than men, was really interesting to me.
Did you know that one third of women now out-earn their husbands? Given the number of board rooms I have visited in the last 30 days, I believe it. Women – no more the token conference room “art” – were big contributors to the discussion around the many meetings I’ve attended recently.
But rumor has it, when you get home is where the rubber meets the road. How one deals, domestically, with imbalances in paychecks is a hot topic these days. Of course, if the man makes more, then no one blinks an eyelash. But, if the woman hauls home a larger piece of the bacon, well, all kinds of psychological head-messing starts to emerge.
This article by Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D., thankfully, does not go into much hand-wringing over this issue. But, rather launches right into “what do to about it.” (Because, apparently, there is something to “do about it.”)
My favorite piece of advice included keeping in mind that the work load – not the players — is a common problem. This fits in nicely with my idea that when problems arise, you should view it as “you and me” against the problem to avoid being pitted against one another. So, if the woman is bringing home a bigger paycheck , the fact is the dishes still need get done. And, who does them shouldn’t have anything to do with salary. Figure out what needs to get done, and work together to see that it gets done.
Another sound piece of advice from this article is you should keep money out of “chore talk.” After all, both people – if they have full-time jobs – are working 40 hours a week at least. So, how much money one makes has less to do with what chores they should take on. Everyone should just pull their own weight. (So, YOU, over on the couch, it’s your turn to take the recycling.)
But, personally, I find the psychological aspects of this more daunting than the “who takes out the trash” part. I can hire someone to clean. (And, yes, of course we do. I’ve got better things to do than wand out the toilet bowl.)
Rather, I wonder about the psychological hit anyone (man or woman) takes when they bring home less money.
In the U.S., too often men are judged by the size of their paycheck. That is a hard burden to lift. And, we women who have married later in life are usually married to men who have lived with this idea for a while. Couple this (no pun intended) with the fact LBBs could easily be high-earners just by the simple fact we flew solo for a while (thereby giving us many opportunities and choices), and the probability of the woman earning more than the man grows exponentially. And, quite frankly, we aren’t about to put our light under a bushel.
(Before you launch into me, know that I think anyone should earn anything they want. I am an American capitalist, after all. I don’t care if you are male or female. Go for it. Just be legal. Oh, and give back.)
But, I would really like to hear what you do – either in practice or psychologically. ‘Cause I know some of you LBBs out there are wrestling with this issue. Do tell…
The Un-Sleep Zone
Posted by: | CommentsThere is a curious zone between trying to fall asleep (i.e. awake) and actually being asleep. I don’t know what this timeframe is called. But, it’s there. And, it plays with your mind.
During this “Un-Sleep Zone” Husband starts to make noises – puffing, loud breathing, snoring, whatever. When I poke him, he answers with “what?” Like he has no idea what I’m talking about. I say “you’re snoring.” He disputes this fact because he swears, on his mother’s life, he hadn’t fallen asleep yet. And, to his ears there wasn’t any sound at all.
The Un-Sleep Zone is an equal opportunity player, too. Last night, Husband started jabbing me.
Not even waiting for the “what?” question, he announces, you’re making noise.
I can’t possibly be, I state, I haven’t fallen asleep yet.
(I can even tell you what I was thinking at the moment of being poked. And, I know the difference between thinking and dreaming. For one, Antonio Banderas always does what I tell him do when I’m thinking. When I’m dreaming, he has a mind of his own.)
Now, we both rush to get to this zone before the other because it’s really, really hard to fall asleep when the other has started his or her nightly symphony.
Quote of the Week: Shade
Posted by: | CommentsDon’t smother each other. No one can grow in shade.
~Leo Buscaglia
Money, Money, Money!* Must be Funny, in a Rich Man’s World…
Posted by: | CommentsFinances are a sticky-wicket for most LBBs. For one, we’ve made some money. But, so has the significant other. Combining our hard-earned cash was, well, a process. And, it should be.
If you’ve been the sole holder of the checkbook for a while, well, let’s just say, having it wrested from your grasp sharing it with someone else isn’t going to be the easiest thing you’ve ever done. Take it from this LBB…
Whether or not you got married at age 21 or 51, money is at the heart of many arguments according to the experts. Apparently, money is a number one reason why couples even break up for good.
A few resources for you if you are wrestling with how to join finances (as well as hands):
Six Financial Mistakes Couples Make
How Late Bloomers Marry Assets
The Pre-Nup Yes, you should have one. I don’t care if you arrived with just a suitcase of cute shoes. You want to be able to keep them. When Husband first brought up the idea of a pre-nup, I was sure the romance was over. But, now I am grateful. Cuz no one – and I mean no one — is gettin’ Grammie’s tea set but the descendants. And, besides with a third of working women nationwide now out-earning their husbands, you could end up being the one to pay alimony as easily as he is. And, who wants that?
*Money, Money, Money by Abba
Article: Benefits to Being a Late Bloomer
Posted by: | CommentsHere’s another fun article, 5 Benefits To Being A Late Bloomer, by Jed Mellick, for all the late bloomers out there. Unlike people who like to be “first” at everything, we late bloomers may be wise for waiting. There are benefits to not being the “early adopter” of everything, he surmises. Check it out.
Slow Sex. And, Turn Off Your Cell.
Posted by: | CommentsI assure you what gets discussed in this article would never happen to me. Husband wouldn’t dare answer a text or his phone during sex. Ever. But, apparently, in our 24/7 world, some people do. Huh.
This Huffington Post article, In Praise of Slow Sex, discusses the ways in which the hyper-connectivity of today’s world is even interrupting our bedrooms.
Well, we LBBs wait a long time to get married (read: having a regular partner – finally). I am not about to dissuade my significant other by thinking he’s less important than my stupid phone. He might get ideas, like answering his phone at the most inopportune time.
I keep reading how the slow movement is gaining momentum. This movement states that our lives would be so much more rich if we would just take time to smell the coffee (or in this case each other).This article says we should start small – like with something basic to our lives. Like sex. Hey, I’m in. Who’s with me?
P.S. Check out the Power of Slow blog by Christine Hohlbaum. She has a new book, titled The Power of Slow: 101 Ways to Save Time in Our 24/7 World, coming out on October 27 about this very thing. It has some juicy tid-bits about how to live a life of “time abundance” over “time deficit.”
Fall and the Temperature Wars
Posted by: | CommentsFall is my favorite time of year except for one thing – the battle over when the A/C gets switched over to heat. Invariably, Husband and I compromise. We just turn the thing off altogether. So, this means Husband is hot as Hades during the day and I freeze my tushie off at night. Eventually, as we grow closer to winter, one of us has to give in.
Last night it was Husband. He had to close the window before we went to sleep. And, I got to turn on the heat. (This is because the night before – my compromise night — I woke up with frozen lungs. Breathing in air all night, which has dipped close to the 40s, does that to you.)
After much hrumphing about how hot as hell it was in here, already, he finally fell asleep. I woke up cold, of course. In an act of “marital peace offering” I had the heat set so it would turn on only when the walls would be in danger of frosting over it got too cold. So, if it dipped into the low 60s, the heat pump was supposed to do its thing. It did not, all night. Apparently, the temperature falling to 64 does not qualify for our heat pump – who I suspect is in cahoots with Husband – to click on.
No, extra blankies won’t help. (See Battle for the Covers.) Also, they have yet to develop covers for the sinus passages, which rebel against arctic temps.
Fortunately (or unfortunately) for me, the local weather mavens say we are about to get a blast of winter air headed our way. (The weather gods clearly did not consult with me, allowing winter temps to taint our fall. But, anyway…) I have learned it’s important to have third parties to point to when negotiating the thermostat. Now even Husband agrees that maybe, just maybe, setting the thermostat to at least 68 is in order.
When I was single, I barely paid attention to the weather forecast. We now live by it. It’s the only way to protect the lungs.
Quote of the Week: Someone For You
Posted by: | CommentsThis quote is dedicated to all the people in my life who are newly single and wondering will I find love again? Yes.
Somewhere, someone is looking for exactly what you have to offer. ~Louise L. Hay
Interview with a Late Bloomer Bride: Go Team!
Posted by: | CommentsAdela, 46, is a Late Bloomer Bride, who is our first (of I hope many) LBBs to tell us like it is!
LBB: What was your age when you got married?
Adela: 43
LBB: What do you find the most surprising about marriage?
Adela: It has made me be much more deliberate, in both significant and insignificant ways, knowing I impact another’s existence (actually the existence of two people, my husband and my 6 year old step-daughter). And, that’s a good thing as I feel, if everyone put a little more thought into one’s words/actions and how they affect others, we would all experience less conflict and have more satisfactory relationships at work, home, etc.
LBB: What do you miss the most about single life?
Adela: Having the house to myself, being able to make all the (sometimes snap) decisions on my own, being able to do things (and I don’t mean socializing necessarily, it could be running, grocery shopping, dancing) spur-of-the-moment [things]. (Note: I am not complaining, though.)
LBB: Do you have any advice for the over 40 woman seeking love and marriage?
Adela: Know and be happy with yourself; be a good communicator; be kind, period (even when disagreeing); and most importantly, choose wisely — better to be alone (and happy at least most of the time) than to be with someone and be lonely/miserable all of the time.
And, pursue your hobbies! If you do that, you’ll benefit in several ways: 1) You’ll have fun doing something you truly enjoy instead of being home alone and bored or lonely; 2) You’ll make friends with others who share the same interest and then you can also do other things together like meet for dinner, go to the movies, a theater show, apple picking etc.; 3) Perhaps you’ll meet someone you think you’d like to date and you’ll get to be around this person to see what he/she is like before possibly dating. Basically, get involved and then you’ll meet people!
LBB: What is the one word you would use to describe marriage?
Adela: Team!
