2009 November » Late Bloomer Bride

In keeping with this week’s theme – how to meet Mr. Right (not Mr. Perfect) — here’s a book recommendation for you. If you are a woman over age 40 and are interested in attracting a man (or men), you must read “How To Meet A Man After Forty (and other midlife dilemmas solved).”

I liked this book from the Preface. The writer, Shane Watson, provides really good advice, all wrapped up in fun and flirty stories, anecdotes and recommendations, when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex. And, no, it isn’t because by page 27 she’s talking about shopping (though I loved that part).

Whether you are married or not, this book offers some really practical advice for the, ahem, older woman. As I read, I found myself nodding my head, laughing, at a lot of what she preaches — from “know what looks good on you and not just what you want to look good on you” to how to talk to a man.

Know ahead of time that a lot of this is stuff your mother told you but you swore couldn’t be right. And, your feminist side will crucify me later. That’s okay. Cuz, guess what? A spot check with Husband and several other men friends say Watson knows of what she speaks writes.

So, take her advice or not. (You’ll probably have fun reading her stuff anyway.) Don’t worry. The author doesn’t tell you to act dumb or wear mini skirts. In fact, get ready to donate your old leather mini to Goodwill after this book.

Oh, and when Husband saw the book I was reading, he wondered out loud if I was researching for his replacement. No, silly, don’t you want me to continue to try to attract you? I answered. He liked that. Feel free to steal it when you announce to your Husband why you are glued to her pages.

Happy Reading!

“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.”

~Erma Bombeck

Happy Thanksgiving!

‘Tis the season to express gratitude. I know I often complain and point out the often ridiculous notions and activities that go on in marriage (particularly after a long and happy single life). But, today, it only seems fitting to write a little about what I’ve discovered to be grateful for in being married.

For one, it is incredibly heartening to have a man love you when the time of perfect body shape and endless energy has long passed. I am thankful for the fact Husband is perfectly content to sit on the couch with me and believe it is a great night, just because I’m there – even when I’m wearing those sweat pants with the butt worn out, looking anything but that Victoria’s Secret model strutting across the TV screen. (I still let Husband drool, however.)

Another wonderful discovery is – when married – a fight isn’t reason enough to break up. We argue, we snipe, we throw our tension at one another, but five minutes later we’re happily sitting at the dinner table talking about what’s next. It’s not the end of the world. (Yes, this is a revelation to those of us who were single for a long time. We are used to men walking out at the drop of a hat.) Whew.

I also am grateful for being able to be me. It’s important to be yourself. After all, everyone else is already taken. So, sometimes I’m not so nice, too easily irritated (but always aware and sheepish afterward), and say careless things. But, Husband knows all too well how it’s exhausting trying to be perfect, so he doesn’t expect it. I only hope I offer the same.

And, finally, to have another human being care about not only what happens to you – but cares about being the one there to help make discoveries, mark milestones and, in general, march through time with you, is remarkable, really.

Susan Sarandon in the 2004 movie “Shall We Dance” summed it up perfectly: “Why is it that people get married? Because we need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet. What does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything…The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, All of it… all the time, every day. You’re saying ‘Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed – because I will be your witness.’”

Being able to be yourself and have someone say you were so important – at least to me – that he must be there to make sure it does not go unnoticed, is the greatest gift for which to be thankful.

So, Husband, here’s a public shout-out to you. Thank you for letting me be me, and loving me anyway. (I know it isn’t always easy, especially in the butt-less sweatpants.)

And, last but not least, I also am grateful for you, readers – for reading, commenting and passing this blog around to friends. They say a well-read blog has an audience of “one,” so I guess I’m doing okay thanks to you. Know that I appreciate you more than I can say.

One of the hardest thing I ever did once married was give up my own car insurance. I am now on Husband’s policy.

Somewhere in my subconscious I equated my car insurance (which I had with one company for more than 20 years and of which I was an “elite member”) as the hallmark of freedom I received when I could first learn to drive. Insurance=mobility.

Transportation was a prized ability where I grew up. When you lived on a horse farm out in God’s country, like I did, you wanted to be able to leave it now and again. (And, taking a horse to meet friends wasn’t allowed.) Getting my driver’s license – and subsequent insurance, which I paid myself from the get-go (unlike so many kids now-a-days) – was my ticket to freedom.

I recall vividly when Husband asked two months after we were married, why don’t you just dump [[nameless insurance company]] and go on my policy? It’s cheaper. (And, it was waaay cheaper.) Rather, I had a visceral reaction, like he suggested I go to prison or something. It took me 12 weeks to think about it before giving in.

I hardly ever think about my insurance now except when the annual payment comes up. But, to this day, it surprises me around the initial impact I experienced by giving up my elite insurance status to become a member of a family group – part of Husband’s program versus having one of my own.

What was hardest for you to give up when you got married?

Now and again, I get a reader who writes to me asking for advice on how to land a man. (Yes, the word “land” is usually used.) They are less interested in what I’ve discovered about marriage, and more interested in how to get in the game themselves. Apparently, my getting married after age 40 for the first time, means somehow I know something.

So, I share what I know and hope they can avoid the bazillion many mistakes I made along the way.

For more than 20 years, I dated, loved, co-habitated (briefly), searched for (and systemically gave up on), pined for, cried over, lusted for, laughed with, and generally hung out with, lots of guys. I had nine serious boyfriends before I got married. Most of them were one year- to two year-long relationships. My friend Y called me a “man trainer,” because a few of them got married right after me (one of them, eloped the next day with someone he neglected to tell me he was also seeing).

So, you could say I learned a lot. But, in typical late bloomer fashion, it took me a while to really get it.

If I could go back in time and start dating all over again, below is the advice I would give myself if I was seeking to get married all over again. (I only hope that I would have listened.)

First, ask yourself something. Are you sure you want to be married? Because just “landing” someone is easy. Landing someone you want to stick around – to the bitter end — is a whole other ball game.

Secondly, know that once married you are going to have to share everything. This means from the bed to the remote control, from the food to your time. If you like having most things to yourself, your husband will quickly begin to feel an interloper. Consider what daily life might look like when married.

Now, do you want to be a wife (versus just being a mother or seeking a father figure or sugar daddy)? Everyone has a different version of what “being a wife” means, but the general rules apply – you’ll be faithful, tend to his needs (and hopefully, he’ll do the same), believe in his dreams, be physically attracted to him, generally like him, and are committed to a future with him. Ya know, the basics. Does a “wife” role — regardless of your definition — appeal to you? Because, if you really just want someone who will help out around the house, do your taxes, change your oil, etc. – hire people. It’s less trouble, trust me.

Also, if you’re just looking for a regular sex partner – find yourself a playmate. ‘Cause husbands don’t leave after the deed. So, you better have something to say (and feel) about the person afterward.

So, still ready? Well, okay, then. Get in the game. A few words of wisdom:

Vet often, vet early. Men usually tell you who they are right away. Believe them. And, you decide if they are either in or out. Choose.
Is he “coming at” you? Men who do not seem interested, well, they aren’t. Men either want you or they don’t. You will know. Don’t waste your time on anyone who isn’t interested. The theory born from the HBO show, Sex and the City, which tried to show women that oftentimes “he’s just not that into you,” is truth.
Look for a man who wants to be a husband – not just someone who wants a wife, or heaven forbid, a mother. (See “do you really want to be a wife” above.)
Find out right away how he feels about his mother. His mother was his first female relationship, and it colors most future ones. If he loves her, great. If he still has the apron strings firmly tied around his butt, walk away. If he hates her, run. Fast.
Does he want to make you happy? (No one can make you happy, but it doesn’t hurt to have someone wanting to contribute.)
Is he happy? Warning: Do not — I repeat — do not start a relationship with someone who is addicted to misery. They will not be happy until you are not.
Will you allow yourself to be affected by him? And, will he allow you to affect him? Read: Change. I know all about “accepting people for who they are,” but you might as well marry a rock if your guy is immoveable and inflexible. Same goes for you.
How’s his sense of humor? You’re gonna need a big one to stay married. Being “heavy and significant” all the time is just plain annoying.
Does he take care of himself? This is a big clue for what his future health might hold, as well as how he will take care of you.
How does he feel about aging? Does he make it known he pines for a Victoria’s Secret model someday? Will he still find you attractive in sweats? You don’t really need me to explain these last questions, do you? You know what to do here.