Archive for December, 2009
Of Driving and Divorce Predicators
Posted by: | CommentsIt is official. I have become a nag.
But, only in one place. The car.
Who knew that marriage could cause such a personality shift?
When I was single, never in a million years would I have dreamed I’d be one of those women. The backseat driver, the cantankerous why-did-you-take-this-route-lady, the hassler. But, there I was, Christmas Eve, headed toward my sister’s place. Husband in the driver seat. Me, in the nag seat. Telling him how to drive. (Actually, more than that.)
It had snowed – heavily – in previous days. The roads were okay that night, but not great. It was misting, making everything mushier and darker than usual. So, when Husband – who is a silent but stealthy driver – was speeding along the major highway like he always does, it made me nervous. (Husband believes every road is a version of the German autobahn.)
Add to the fact he was not paying any attention to what I was saying, and I grew even more anxious. (Actually, naggier.)
This is because somewhere in my subconscious, I must have believed the pestering needed acknowledging. So, the harassment got louder. Because he might not hear me from eight inches away. So, it grew. (Actually, exploded.)
Husband, slow down!
Why are you going this way? We’ll be late.
Watch that guy!
Stop speeding up to every light and then braking (which is kind of a stupid thing to say, given if you are speeding, you want them to eventually brake)
Careful, Husband. That’s a patch of ice.
What? Are? You? Doing?
You’re going to give me a heart attack!
Sort of like that. (Actually, louder.)
Do you ever have one of those out-of-body experiences where you know your behavior just isn’t right, and you’re looking down on yourself from the ceiling, debating inside why you are continuing with said behavior? Well, it was one of those nights.
I recently came across an article on the best divorce predictors. The number one reason why people split up? Conflict avoidance. I guess we should not be worried. Husband eventually told me to cut it out. (Actually, less subtly.)
Quote of the Week: Marriage is a Verb
Posted by: | Comments“Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.” ~ Barbara De Angelis
Facebooking Couples: Are You on the Same Page?
Posted by: | CommentsHere is an interesting article about couples who “Facebook.” It contains some really good advice about transparency, avoiding “friending” ex-lovers, and thinking twice about marital venting.
Facebook’s privacy controls are growing, but there are still some dangers lurking in cyber happy land. To their list, I will add my own horror stories advice below.
(You may be asking, how much more sensitive can you be to privacy when you BLOG about things in your marriage, LBB? Oh, trust me. Facebook can be waaaay more dangerous than this blog.)
First, there are the posts that others write on my wall, pictures that get tagged, and comments that trickle their way through cyberspace. Personally, I have my FB page pretty locked down. But, the short Santa Baby dress I wore for a dance recently – well, let’s just say it made its way to Husband’s profile, which then allowed his clients to see it. (Naturally, I’m hoping Husband’s clients are thinking – how lucky is he?) I didn’t care. (It looks good.) Husband took it in stride. (He likes the outfit.) All was well.
But, then, recently, a nameless gentleman (you know who you are) posted on a listserv asking for advice on how to friend an ex-girlfriend so her husband wouldn’t find out. (What was he thinking? That, of the 1,000 people on the listserv, this matter would stay private?) One clever reader replied, tell her to also “friend” a good lawyer.
The truth is, nothing on Facebook stays private for long. So, to add to the marital Facebook-ing policies, I add my own thoughts not included in this article:
- Determine whether or not your Facebook page is for pleasure or business. And, I really, really encourage that your spouse’s and your ideas match. Why? See Santa Baby outfit example above.
- The past will find you. Remember your spouse may not know about – or have quite yet acknowledged – that you have a past. Anything you don’t want coming out? Well, be careful about friending those college buddies. They have those old pictures of you doing shooters in that awful 80s hair. Count on being tagged.
- To tag or not to tag? Did you invite everyone to your party? No? You had space restrictions like I did recently and could only squeeze in so many people? Well, know the pictures, while not necessarily embarrassing, alert everyone who wasn’t invited that, well, they weren’t invited. And your spouse may be questioned. Let them know this.
- Make sure you and your spouse agree on Facebook privacy controls. See listserv example above.
- Adhere to the golden rule. Only post on anyone’s wall what you wouldn’t mind having on your wall, having said about you, or having your spouse, boss, children or 82 year old grammie read about you. Play nice. Make your spouse proud to claim you.
Anyone else have anything they’d like to add?
Men. And the Weather Channel.
Posted by: | CommentsThis past weekend, Charlottesville – my home town – got 27 inches of snow in 24 hours. The entire mid-Atlanta area was slammed. It was deemed “the storm of the century.” The fact we are just one decade into the century may have had something to do with this esteemed title. But, nonetheless, it was a hell of a lot of snow for our area that has maybe a handful of snowplows. (Read: trucks with a plow tacked on to the front.)
As Husband and I made our way home that first evening into the Storm of the Century, it looked like a mini-van graveyard along Rt. 29. (There is a vast distinction between an SUV and a mini-van no matter what Husbands around the globe may believe.)
Husband gets props for his deft handling of his BMW in the foot of snow we encountered Friday night as we made our way home. His yelling at other drivers (as they attempt to get said minivan up a hill) aside, he handles himself very well in winter weather. (He lived in Germany for six years, after all. I lived between Buffalo and Rochester, NY as a little girl. Twenty-seven inches of snowfall is child’s play.)
However, I have discovered – as a late bloomer bride – something about men and snow that I did not realize until I took the marital plunge, necessitating TV sharing. Getting married later in life is like that. Something as ordinary as snow turns into something that provides keen insight into your spouse.
I have learned that snow can have the effect of crack.
Storms like these mean Husband gets to watch the weather news nonstop. And, we must go back and forth between the local weather and the Weather Channel because, apparently, cross-checking the local weather is very, very important. I mean, what if our local people, who are standing out in the blizzard, get an inch off? The fact their microphones can barely stay uncovered is not enough for Husband to know really, really what’s Going On Out There. And What’s Going On Out There is key to survival.
I say to Husband, about two hours into the weather news, ya know, we can look out the window and see we aren’t going anywhere.
We need to know What’s Going On Out There.
Why? I ask innocently.
We need to know the road conditions.
Uh, Husband. Take a look at our cars.
Well, we have to know.
Like I said. Crack.
Song: Lullaby for Myself
Posted by: | CommentsInstead of a quote of the week, Late Bloomer Bride presents song lyrics.
Lullaby for Myself
By Barbra Streisand
Self-contained and self-content
No promises to keep
I’ve got things so together
That I just can’t fall asleep
Walked the night and drank the moon
Got home at half-past four,
And I knew that no-one marked my time
As I unlocked my door.
It’s really lovely to discover
That you like to be alone
Not to owe your man an answer
When he gets you on the phone
Not to share a pair of porkchops
When you crave champagne and cheese
And your aim becomes to please yourself
And not to aim to please
Oh they sold me when they told me
Two can live as cheap as one
But I’m learning twice your earning
Doesn’t mean it’s twice the fun
If you spend each dime and all your time
On someone else’s schemes
I’m not needy but I’m greedy
And I live my deepest dreams
Take an hour in the shower
Use the water while it’s hot
In the tub a hand to scrub my back
Is all I haven’t got.
Self-aware with self-esteem
Is selfishness a crime?
I take the day for quite a ride
And I take my own sweet time
Time to spare and time to share
And grateful I would be
If just one damn man would share the need
To be alone with me.
The Gift That Needs Forgiving. Or, How to Say Out of the Dog House.
Posted by: | CommentsThe Wall Street Journal published an article the other day, titled, The Gift That Needs Forgiving. I immediately counted my blessings that Husband has never given me a nightgown four times too large wrapped in a Wal-Mart bag. (You have to read the article to really understand that last bit).
The other day I blogged about marital gift giving and how difficult it can be when you are a late bloomer bride (or husband) because:
- You mostly have what you want already
- The “older you” wants tend to run in the expensive to very expensive category. (For instance, my friend “E” says all her husband wants is a helicopter for Christmas. Guess what he’s not getting again this year?)
- Surprises are harder to develop because your likes and dislikes are so, well, established.
Husband always asks for a wish list. It is supposed to help. But, I lament that he shouldn’t need a list. He laments about what I put on the list. (Have I mentioned before I’d like a puppy?) But, after reading this Wall Street Journal article, about the bad gifts some women have been subjected to, I am thinking differently about Husband’s viewpoint around this whole wish list thing.
While I view holiday shopping as an opportunity to surprise and delight, Husband views it quite differently. I am finding that most men view gift giving as shopping for the other person (hence the list). Apparently, this is helpful in avoiding the “gift that needs forgiving.”
So, I offer more help – in addition to this article – in dealing with differing perspectives around holiday present producing:
- Yes, women, provide a Christmas wish list. But, prioritize the list, as well. This comes from experience. Husband will pick out the one electronic gadget on it, otherwise. He says he understands how to research that one. He will ignore anything that involves a size, a choice (color, etc.) or a trip to the lingerie department. Also, do not be shy about providing hyperlinks to exact items.
- Yes, men, you have to produce a really mushy, beautiful Christmas card with your gift. It will take any sting out of the one utilitarian gift you’re likely to pick off the wish list.
- Expensive isn’t the issue. Personally, I’m hoping for more time with Husband as my Christmas gift this year. A day where we just spend it with each other, doing fun things.
- Men, consider sharing the story around why you picked out a certain gift. We like that you actually thought about it. Yes, this involves talking.
- Ladies, love the story he gives. This is encouraging, and perhaps someday they will discover that communicating is not the death sentence that it can sometimes feel like.
In the end, remember the reason for the season. (But, don’t forget the card.)
What I Really Want for Christmas: Time
Posted by: | CommentsI finally got Husband’s wish list. On said list is a $3,600 item. (I ask, is it wrong then to ask for a puppy?) Anyway, I yelled from my home office to his home office (around the corner), “hey, that’s one pricey item.” He yelled back, “you asked for a wish list.”
Something tells me Husband actually read my latest blog post on marital gift giving.
If I could, I would buy anything for Husband. But, truth be told, what we both really, really want this year is time. Unfortunately, the one thing I am not able to give Husband is more than 24 hours in a day.
But, thanks to friends of ours, “G” and “L”, another idea has emerged. They have an interesting way of buying time for one another. They take “staycations” throughout the year. “G” and “L” take a week off – no work, no computer, no “to-do” lists. But, they stay at home. There is no travel, no packing, no schlepping the 24 ounce face wash to a hotel room that has no counter space for it anyway. They simply relish their home and do whatever is fun – in-home massages, movies, dinners, walks around the property looking at the bluebirds. Heaven!
Imagine time away from the computer. But, rather spending time at the movies. Time to practice the slow movement over dinner (read: dinner takes 3 hours). Time to think. Time to fool around. The end of the endless “to-do” list. Rather you are enjoying “unstructured downtime,” as my friend “T” said yesterday during one of our catch-up calls. Imagine having the time to really, really, look each other in the eye and really, really listen to the answer to “what’s happening?”
So, men, here’s an idea for you for a holiday gift: plan a “staycation” with your spouse. This means choose a week. (Yes, you have to nail down the details.). Plan several fun things, and leave some time open for your spouse to plan some fun things. For instance, are there things in your area you’ve always wanted to do, to visit, to just check out? (Personally, I’d like to spend an hour in Feast! just sampling their hundreds of cheeses.) Or, don’t plan anything at all. Just go with it.
I boldly recommend to you – older marital couple or not – your spouse will be delighted by the idea of playing through this very different kind of “to-do” list – one filled with fun, rest, and togetherness.
I know I would.
And, if we could make it a “threesome” with the puppy, it’d be perfect.
Mistakes Made in Arguing: You Be the Girl, and I’ll Be the Guy
Posted by: | CommentsFor some reason I have come across a plethora of articles about how married couples should argue. For one, the “experts” all agree you must disagree on some things, and work them out. Fighting is good, they say. But, you must fight fair.
The following “fighting fair” articles have made their way to my e-mail inbox, one way or the other:
Mistakes Women make in a Fight
So, I decided to cross-check these sets of advice. (Because, you know I don’t have enough to do already.)
Interesting. Here are a few of the cliff notes.
Men should
- be aware of their tone, especially condescension, anger and “glib-ness”
- avoid offering solutions versus listening first,
- not play “tit for tat” (i.e. don’t try to “one up” our complaint with one of your own), and
- avoid just giving in, though display terrific resentment for doing so.
Basically, listen. Kind of like Oprah.
Women should
- avoid showing too much emotion,
- only share what is helpful (avoid rhetorical questions, over-talking, etc.)
- not expect him to respond like a woman,
- not bring up old issues, compare him to the past or (shudder) another man,
In other words, only say what is absolutely necessary. Kind of like Spock.
So, in essence, when fighting, I should be more like a guy, and Husband should be more like the girl.
Oh, but we’re supposed to be ourselves.
I am so confused.
Quote of the Week: Windows
Posted by: | CommentsMarriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open. ~George Bernard Shaw
Marital Gift Giving: ‘Tis the Season for Expectation Management
Posted by: | CommentsAh, ‘tis the season for making merry, singing carols, drinking liqueurs you normally wouldn’t touch, and giving presents.
The gift giving is one of my favorite parts. I love Christmas shopping. Always have. After all, we’re talking justified shopping. I love every aspect of it – the lights, the crammed shops, the hunt for that perfect something. Total glee.
Husband, on the other hand, positively, absolutely despises any kind of shopping. He complains every Christmastime that he doesn’t know what to give. (The fact that Husband has given me some of the most amazing presents I have ever received belies this angst. But, hey, you feel what you feel.)
As December creeps along, I begin to see the wrinkles start in Husband’s forehead as we draw nearer to December 25. Husband asks for my Christmas wish list. I oblige. I tell him the truth – I don’t care, as long as it comes from him. In fact, don’t get me anything. (Oh, but do get me a card. He gives the best cards.) Husband continues to worry. Nothing I say seems to matter.
Apparently – if you are Husband — giving your spouse that perfect little something can drive you mad.
I understand some of this. For one, when you are someone who has gotten married later in life, you have already filled your life with things you love. You’ve had a lot of earning years, not to mention physical years on the planet, to accumulate. So, your wants are fewer. This makes for an interesting conundrum around giving to your new spouse.
When older, three major “categories” of desires emerge. You are left with:
- Things you want. But, since you can afford it yourself, you just go buy it.
- Things you want. But, these wants are pricier and a little more luxurious so you hesitate to gift yourselves with such extravagance. (Like jewelry, for me.)
- The surprises. Things you didn’t even know you’d like but somehow someone saw it, thought you’d be into it, and gifted you with it. You’re thrilled.
So, really, you’re left with two and three. Category three freaks out Husband. He doesn’t like surprises and wants to know what will thrill me. Yes, this is a good thing. But, it also leaves us with category two, which makes me feel a bit greedy, needy and guilty. I mean the world is in economic chaos at the moment. Do I really need a diamond tennis bracelet? No. Want one. But, will live without it.
But, we’ve taken an oath of honesty – that we’ll tell each other the truth – so I hurl verbally provide Husband with the “A” list at first. (Or, now known as the four horses of the gift-giving apocalypse.)
- A puppy
- A house
- A diamond eternity ring
- A trip to Sweden
Not necessarily in that order, either.
I also feel guilty in this honesty. (Did I mention the economic chaos?) I tell him, I’ll live without any one of them, was not expecting him to deliver the entire list, and, really, he shouldn’t feel the need to stick to that list at all. To add to my remorse for providing such an extravagant set of desires, he e-mails me me for a Christmas wish list again. This means, List A didn’t pass muster. (Or, he didn’t think I was serious.)
So, I try to be realistic. I give him a list that spans the economic – and kindness — scale. I try to get creative when Husband asks what I’d like to receive as a gift. I suggest
- A “day of romance” (Can you hear Husband’s eye rolling on that one?)
- A day where we go to the Washington, DC Design Center to look at furniture (No buying required. However, I demand he finally point out what he means by a quality couch since after three years I’m still clueless as to what he is talking about.)
- Detailing my car
- A big coffee table book on Sweden
- Less expensive jewelry (I had to sneak that one in.)
I ask Husband what he would like from me. No answer. I’m left with figuring him out. But, I’m not worried. I can shop ‘til I drop.
I don’t hear back on this later wish list. This is a good sign. But, the silence kills me, and for some reason makes me feel even guiltier for asking for anything – because the worried brow is still there. So, I tell him don’t get me a present, which is where we started. I up the ante. I say, let’s not exchange presents at all.
But, then he also knows, no matter the good intentions, I won’t be able to stick to this. I’ll see something that’s perfect for Husband and be compelled to get it.
So, he continues to worry.
And, I continue to worry about him.
To make myself feel better I go Christmas shopping.
