2009 December | Late Bloomer Bride

The Wall Street Journal published an article the other day, titled, The Gift That Needs Forgiving. I immediately counted my blessings that Husband has never given me a nightgown four times too large wrapped in a Wal-Mart bag. (You have to read the article to really understand that last bit).

The other day I blogged about marital gift giving and how difficult it can be when you are a late bloomer bride (or husband) because:

You mostly have what you want already
The “older you” wants tend to run in the expensive to very expensive category. (For instance, my friend “E” says all her husband wants is a helicopter for Christmas. Guess what he’s not getting again this year?)
Surprises are harder to develop because your likes and dislikes are so, well, established.

Husband always asks for a wish list. It is supposed to help. But, I lament that he shouldn’t need a list. He laments about what I put on the list. (Have I mentioned before I’d like a puppy?) But, after reading this Wall Street Journal article, about the bad gifts some women have been subjected to, I am thinking differently about Husband’s viewpoint around this whole wish list thing.

While I view holiday shopping as an opportunity to surprise and delight, Husband views it quite differently. I am finding that most men view gift giving as shopping for the other person (hence the list). Apparently, this is helpful in avoiding the “gift that needs forgiving.”

So, I offer more help – in addition to this article – in dealing with differing perspectives around holiday present producing:

Yes, women, provide a Christmas wish list. But, prioritize the list, as well. This comes from experience. Husband will pick out the one electronic gadget on it, otherwise. He says he understands how to research that one. He will ignore anything that involves a size, a choice (color, etc.) or a trip to the lingerie department. Also, do not be shy about providing hyperlinks to exact items.
Yes, men, you have to produce a really mushy, beautiful Christmas card with your gift. It will take any sting out of the one utilitarian gift you’re likely to pick off the wish list.
Expensive isn’t the issue. Personally, I’m hoping for more time with Husband as my Christmas gift this year. A day where we just spend it with each other, doing fun things.
Men, consider sharing the story around why you picked out a certain gift. We like that you actually thought about it. Yes, this involves talking.
Ladies, love the story he gives. This is encouraging, and perhaps someday they will discover that communicating is not the death sentence that it can sometimes feel like.

In the end, remember the reason for the season. (But, don’t forget the card.)

I finally got Husband’s wish list. On said list is a $3,600 item. (I ask, is it wrong then to ask for a puppy?) Anyway, I yelled from my home office to his home office (around the corner), “hey, that’s one pricey item.” He yelled back, “you asked for a wish list.”

Something tells me Husband actually read my latest blog post on marital gift giving.

If I could, I would buy anything for Husband. But, truth be told, what we both really, really want this year is time. Unfortunately, the one thing I am not able to give Husband is more than 24 hours in a day.

But, thanks to friends of ours, “G” and “L”, another idea has emerged. They have an interesting way of buying time for one another. They take “staycations” throughout the year. “G” and “L” take a week off – no work, no computer, no “to-do” lists. But, they stay at home. There is no travel, no packing, no schlepping the 24 ounce face wash to a hotel room that has no counter space for it anyway. They simply relish their home and do whatever is fun – in-home massages, movies, dinners, walks around the property looking at the bluebirds. Heaven!

Imagine time away from the computer. But, rather spending time at the movies. Time to practice the slow movement over dinner (read: dinner takes 3 hours). Time to think. Time to fool around. The end of the endless “to-do” list. Rather you are enjoying “unstructured downtime,” as my friend “T” said yesterday during one of our catch-up calls. Imagine having the time to really, really, look each other in the eye and really, really listen to the answer to “what’s happening?”

So, men, here’s an idea for you for a holiday gift: plan a “staycation” with your spouse. This means choose a week. (Yes, you have to nail down the details.). Plan several fun things, and leave some time open for your spouse to plan some fun things. For instance, are there things in your area you’ve always wanted to do, to visit, to just check out? (Personally, I’d like to spend an hour in Feast! just sampling their hundreds of cheeses.) Or, don’t plan anything at all. Just go with it.

I boldly recommend to you – older marital couple or not – your spouse will be delighted by the idea of playing through this very different kind of “to-do” list – one filled with fun, rest, and togetherness.

I know I would.

And, if we could make it a “threesome” with the puppy, it’d be perfect.

For some reason I have come across a plethora of articles about how married couples should argue. For one, the “experts” all agree you must disagree on some things, and work them out. Fighting is good, they say. But, you must fight fair.

The following “fighting fair” articles have made their way to my e-mail inbox, one way or the other:

Mistakes Men Make in a Fight

Mistakes Women make in a Fight

So, I decided to cross-check these sets of advice. (Because, you know I don’t have enough to do already.)

Interesting. Here are a few of the cliff notes.

Men should

be aware of their tone, especially condescension, anger and “glib-ness”
avoid offering solutions versus listening first,
not play “tit for tat” (i.e. don’t try to “one up” our complaint with one of your own), and
avoid just giving in, though display terrific resentment for doing so.

Basically, listen. Kind of like Oprah.

Women should

avoid showing too much emotion,
only share what is helpful (avoid rhetorical questions, over-talking, etc.)
not expect him to respond like a woman,
not bring up old issues, compare him to the past or (shudder) another man,

In other words, only say what is absolutely necessary. Kind of like Spock.

So, in essence, when fighting, I should be more like a guy, and Husband should be more like the girl.

Oh, but we’re supposed to be ourselves.

I am so confused.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open. ~George Bernard Shaw

Ah, ‘tis the season for making merry, singing carols, drinking liqueurs you normally wouldn’t touch, and giving presents.

The gift giving is one of my favorite parts. I love Christmas shopping. Always have. After all, we’re talking justified shopping. I love every aspect of it – the lights, the crammed shops, the hunt for that perfect something. Total glee.

Husband, on the other hand, positively, absolutely despises any kind of shopping. He complains every Christmastime that he doesn’t know what to give. (The fact that Husband has given me some of the most amazing presents I have ever received belies this angst. But, hey, you feel what you feel.)

As December creeps along, I begin to see the wrinkles start in Husband’s forehead as we draw nearer to December 25. Husband asks for my Christmas wish list. I oblige. I tell him the truth – I don’t care, as long as it comes from him. In fact, don’t get me anything. (Oh, but do get me a card. He gives the best cards.) Husband continues to worry. Nothing I say seems to matter.

Apparently – if you are Husband — giving your spouse that perfect little something can drive you mad.

I understand some of this. For one, when you are someone who has gotten married later in life, you have already filled your life with things you love. You’ve had a lot of earning years, not to mention physical years on the planet, to accumulate. So, your wants are fewer. This makes for an interesting conundrum around giving to your new spouse.

When older, three major “categories” of desires emerge. You are left with:

Things you want. But, since you can afford it yourself, you just go buy it.
Things you want. But, these wants are pricier and a little more luxurious so you hesitate to gift yourselves with such extravagance. (Like jewelry, for me.)
The surprises. Things you didn’t even know you’d like but somehow someone saw it, thought you’d be into it, and gifted you with it. You’re thrilled.

So, really, you’re left with two and three. Category three freaks out Husband. He doesn’t like surprises and wants to know what will thrill me. Yes, this is a good thing. But, it also leaves us with category two, which makes me feel a bit greedy, needy and guilty. I mean the world is in economic chaos at the moment. Do I really need a diamond tennis bracelet? No. Want one. But, will live without it.

But, we’ve taken an oath of honesty – that we’ll tell each other the truth – so I hurl verbally provide Husband with the “A” list at first. (Or, now known as the four horses of the gift-giving apocalypse.)

A puppy
A house
A diamond eternity ring
A trip to Sweden

Not necessarily in that order, either.

I also feel guilty in this honesty. (Did I mention the economic chaos?) I tell him, I’ll live without any one of them, was not expecting him to deliver the entire list, and, really, he shouldn’t feel the need to stick to that list at all. To add to my remorse for providing such an extravagant set of desires, he e-mails me me for a Christmas wish list again. This means, List A didn’t pass muster. (Or, he didn’t think I was serious.)

So, I try to be realistic. I give him a list that spans the economic – and kindness — scale. I try to get creative when Husband asks what I’d like to receive as a gift. I suggest

A “day of romance” (Can you hear Husband’s eye rolling on that one?)
A day where we go to the Washington, DC Design Center to look at furniture (No buying required. However, I demand he finally point out what he means by a quality couch since after three years I’m still clueless as to what he is talking about.)
Detailing my car
A big coffee table book on Sweden
Less expensive jewelry (I had to sneak that one in.)

I ask Husband what he would like from me. No answer. I’m left with figuring him out. But, I’m not worried. I can shop ‘til I drop.

I don’t hear back on this later wish list. This is a good sign. But, the silence kills me, and for some reason makes me feel even guiltier for asking for anything – because the worried brow is still there. So, I tell him don’t get me a present, which is where we started. I up the ante. I say, let’s not exchange presents at all.

But, then he also knows, no matter the good intentions, I won’t be able to stick to this. I’ll see something that’s perfect for Husband and be compelled to get it.

So, he continues to worry.

And, I continue to worry about him.

To make myself feel better I go Christmas shopping.

Late Bloomer Bride

The Gift That Needs Forgiving. Or, How to Say Out of the Dog House.

What I Really Want for Christmas: Time

Mistakes Made in Arguing: You Be the Girl, and I’ll Be the Guy

Quote of the Week: Windows

Marital Gift Giving: ‘Tis the Season for Expectation Management