PBS recently launched a three-part television series called This Emotional Life. Hosted by Daniel Gilbert, a social psychologist who studies happiness, it explores the emotional side of being human.

The first segment, Families, Friends & Lovers, focuses on the state of our relationships, their impact, and the level of importance in a person’s life. Normally, I would be thinking, well, didn’t I already know this stuff? But, this series goes into specifics about how our emotions are dictated by the health of our relationships to such depth, I ended up clinging to Husband on the couch. 

Daniel Gilbert goes on to explain: When we come together as family, as friends as lovers, we become more than the sum of our parts. We are the most successful of all the animals on our planet because we’re the most social. …in the end, those social connections, those bonds are what it’s all about. When they are strong, we are happy. When they are threatened, we worry. When they disappear, we suffer….Our happiness is in each other’s hands.

Let the clinging begin.

How we deal with relationships is tied to how we start in the world – babyhood — and how much love and attention we receive. Then, as we move into social realms – extended families, school, friendships – things get really interesting. And, eventually, as we are led to romantic love in the form of coupling and partnership, it reaches a head. My clinging grew a little more fevered at that point.

Companionship’s importance is as high for our survival as food, water and shelter, said Gilbert. And, because we—as a society – are so good at interacting with others, we are a powerful species.

Well. Pat ourselves on the back.

But, as this show delves into all kinds of topics, profiling people and families going through some of the harder aspects of relationship, we see how sometimes we are not very good at being with others. The show looks deeply into attachment disorder, Asperger’s Syndrome, conflict, leadership, children, power struggles, bullying, cooperation, infidelity, sex, loneliness and more.

Being together may be integral to our well being, but we make – and break – each other’s hearts constantly.

For a married-later-in life woman, a few “a-ha” moments, as well as just good old fashioned vindication, were found including:

1. Give up perfection. The show reinforces what we all know: expectation management is key. This is hard for an LBB, who waited a long time—either by choice or not – to commit to the marriage level of relationship. When you do take the marital plunge, no matter how sophisticated you think you are, certain expectations exist. He is supposed to be The One, Bringing All Manners of Perfection Into Your Life.

But, Elizabeth Gilbert, one of my favorite authors, who was interviewed for this segment summed up the fallacy of seeking such expectations beautifully: It’s not enough that you have this sort of decent relationship with this person. He also has to be your best friend. He also has to be your only romantic partner. He also has to be somebody who inspires you every day. He has to be somebody who is going to help your career. He has to be somebody who co-parents with you. He has to meet you on 25 different levels of intersection. It’s this giant sack of expectation that we’ve piled on to this sort of wobbly head of this old institution that was never necessarily about that in the past.

The centuries’ old tradition of getting married continues, but our expectations have grown exponentially. Come to think about it, if this were a few centuries ago, I’d be dead by now. They did not have late bloomer brides in the 16^th century. (Given how long we live, perhaps now we are striving for perfection because we’re gonna be with them for a long, long time?)

2. Conflict is natural. To paraphrase what I heard on This Emotional Life, committing yourself to live with one person invites a certain level of disagreement and opportunities for disappointment. Kind of like, if you dive into the lake, you are inviting getting wet and maybe be nibbled by some fish. If you want to be sure to stay dry (and fish free), stay out of the water. So, relationships invite the possibility of all kinds of things – both good and bad – that you didn’t have to deal with alone.

As an LBB, I had hoped all manners of things would be resolved from marriage. Rather, some things are and some things that were once resolved now become unresolved. Sleeping alone gets handled. But, then Husband introduces furniture that you wouldn’t take home for free. You go from living in your dream-decorated little condo to our place, living with an uncomfortable kitchen banquet that doesn’t fit anywhere.

3. Doing things together is marital fertilizer. Forgetting for a moment how relationships break up, the show turns to how relationships last about two-thirds in. Doing things together, building something together and just plain having some fun and excitement is the key.

Oh, and a really good sex life (as you define it).

Art Aron, Ph.D. said: What it takes to have a relationship that is vibrant, that is lively, that is exciting…from the research so far, we know 2 things that bring in the positive. One is what is called capitalization and that is getting excited about your partners successes and building on them, capitalizing on them. The other is making your life together exciting.

When couples share novel and exciting experiences together, they grow close. Good thing Husband and I are having the Year of Fun (with just a little more clinging).

There’s more, but you may just have to set your own DVRs or buy the DVD.

Share on Facebook