If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? ~Anonymous
Feb 282010
Feb 242010
I am a word person. Always have been. You can play with them, re-order them, make them say all kinds of interesting and creative things. Numbers? Well, I only like them when they are really, really big, sitting in my checkbook not committed to anything in particular. Just waiting for me to log on to www.zappos.com.
Husband is a numbers person. Taxes, financials, accounting. He does it all. He likes to order them, file them, basically beat them into submission. I do believe I have married the only man on the planet who gets positively giddy when the UPS man delivers the new year’s tax code book. Seriously. See this?
That’s Husband holding the tax code. He is smiling, he says, because this rather thick book is filled with all kinds of goodies about deductions.
When Husband first brought up marriage with me, he quickly backtracked saying we should just live together. It’d be cheaper, he announced. He’s right. Marriage has not been kind to our tax status.
Recently, I came across an interesting article from the UK on how couples are wedding later in life. The line that got me was: The figures sparked, once again, a debate over whether married couples should enjoy tax breaks.
In the U.K., according to this article, it has been calculated that approximately 1.8 million low-earning couples are materially worse off than their single parent counterparts, losing on average £1,336 a year because they live together.
I made a huge mistake in mentioning this to Husband. (One thing you learn early in marriage is that timing is everything. You have to know when to bring up stuff.)
Mentioning this blog post, in development, gave him an excuse to rail about Congress, the current administration, the mounting national debt (or the national black hole), and how I still haven’t printed out some report form Quickbooks that he needs, like, yesterday.
But, this is not unusual. Every time tax time comes around, Husband grumbles about how much more money we’d make it we were just legally single and living together.
According to this year’s tax code, the marriage penalty starts, Husband says, somewhere between $86,000 and $137, 000 – jointly. Quite a spread. And, if we made the low end, well, we’d have to live with my mother. Forget being married.
The tax ramifications around marriage are different for every couple. So, just for grins, I googled.
- Marriage and Taxes from the Groom Grove (don’t ya just love that title)?
- Bad Tax Idea: Getting married without checking on the tax ramifications, by Profitable
- The Marriage Calculator: Financial Consequences of Marriage Decisions by the US Dept of Health & Human Services
- The Myth of the Marriage Penalty by Liz Pulliam Weston on MSN Money
- Getting Married by TurboTax
- Marriage Penalty: I don’t think so by Living Single blogger Bella DePaulo, published by Psychology Today
Read it and weep.
(Note to all readers: I am NOT giving out tax advice. You’ll need someone much smarter with numbers than me for that. Talk to your accountant.)
Feb 212010
Don’t just follow your heart because your heart can be deceived…but LEAD your heart. ~Fireproof, the movie
Feb 172010
Penelope Trunk’s blog, Brazen Careerist, gives a very interesting perspective on life. Her recent posts on happiness – the definition of it, the desire for it, and the overall pursuit of it – got me thinking about marriage, especially the “later in life” kind.
Trunk believes that people fall into two categories: those people who pursue a happy life and those people who pursue an interesting life.
I took her test in her latest blog post: Test: Is your life happy or interesting? I came out as someone who wanted to be interesting more than happy.
Her premise about happiness versus interesting made me ponder about why we get married. Do we get married because we believe it will make us happy? Or, do we commit to one person because we think it add to the “interesting-ness” of our lives?
I think women who marry later in life may be looking for a life that is more remarkable than content. And, their marital partners are committed to the same. Here’s why.
For most of us, we tend to fall into two categories around marriage: those who really want to just be married and those who want to be married to a specific type of person. Late bloomer brides (LBBs) tend to always fall in the latter category. This doesn’t mean those who got married earlier in life just settled for “whomever.” But, early marriages could be either category. LBBs definitely are in the second group and rarely in the first.
Why?
1. LBBs look for “the one.” Almost all the late bloomer brides I have come to know seem to have waited to marry someone they felt was “right.” They weren’t willing to “settle” for anyone who just popped the question or someone they could just live with. They weren’t looking for someone to make them happy or complete their life. They could do that on their own. Rather, they were holding out for someone they couldn’t live without – someone who interests them more days than not. Finding that person takes some time. Hence, the after 40 part.
2. LBBs have high standards. We explored, investigated, searched. In the meantime, we still had lots of time to ourselves. We had time to make career moves, travel, figure out favorite shoe stores, cities, breakfast foods — all by our lonesomes. We became more interesting as people because of it. Thus, the bar for a partner is raised. We want to be with people who have done things, too. We need someone who is very interesting to us.
3. LBBs will never be shackled again. When I was 10 years old, I distinctly remember having moments of absolute desperation to get somewhere – anywhere but there. I was held captive spent my childhood in a very small country town, with no money, and bound to do what all kids do – go to the same school building to sit, learn and listen for hours and hours and hours on end. I knew there was stuff going on Out There. And, I was being kept from it.
And, you know what? I was right.
There was a lot going on Out There. And, it was very, very interesting. The first week out of college felt like I had been let out of prison. And, I wasn’t going back. So, I was bound and determined not to be committed to another’s life until I was ready. I suspect many women who wait until after age 40 to get married have a similar tale to tell.
4. LBBs enjoy the journey as much as the destination. Our 20s and 30s are filled with exploring – again, career, travel, friends, experiences, hobbies, you name it. And, if a guy wanted to come along that was great. But, for the most part, we were more committed to the journey than committed to just settling down. It’s not that we aren’t goal oriented. It’s just that there is a lot of interesting scenery and pit-stops to take in. We don’t want to miss anything.
So, why would a woman who has high standards, be wary of being “shackled,” and who loves the voyage choose to get married? Because Husband was more interesting than all of that. And, he wants to do interesting things. Having an interesting life makes this LBB happy.
(Note to younger married peeps everywhere: if you got married early in life, this does not mean you are not an interesting person. For all I know, you met your soul mate in high school and still went on to all manners of interestingness that we all can only dream about.)
Feb 152010
It’s true that you will continue to learn about your spouse long after you’re married – sometimes for years after the wedding vows are spoken. And, how you find out these new things about your partner can be quite an adventure.
For instance, I believe how they handle international travel speaks volumes to how they handle life. I understand building a house (or other home renovation) has erected and dismantled many marriages. (And, God willing, I’ll find out one day.)
Today, I add yet another activity to the list of How to Find Out All Kinds Of Things –and Quickly — About Your Spouse That You Didn’t Know: puppy-sitting.
I have made no secret of my pet lust. Some women’s biological clocks cry out for a baby. Mine? It whispers, puppy. In fact, it’s part of Husband’s and my marriage contract. No more new kids. So, we get to foster animals instead.
However, Husband remains firmon the timing. No animals until our house is built. (And, thanks to the lax CEOs of several financial institutions across the U.S. — who, by the way probably own three houses, each, themselves — that’s not happening anytime soon for us.)
Husband and I have very different ideas about pets, too. Husband believes all animals should:
- Stay outside, for the most part,
- Never get on the furniture,
- Be avoided altogether if they shed,
- Be independent, entertaining themselves for hours on end, and
- Never, ever get in bed with you.
I, on the other hand, believe why have an animal if you aren’t going to live with it? I mean really live with it.
Fortunately for us, we have friend with pets. And, for the last two weeks, we had been puppy sitting a 20 week-old, Cavalier King Charles spaniel named Chloe. (Or Princess Chloe, if you ask her.) Husband had hoped this would cure me of my desire for a dog. Puppies require all manners of care and attention. He thought it would put me over the edge. But, I ask you, could such a face like this put anyone over the edge?
Husband made sure I knew, when she first arrived, that puppy duty was all mine. But, years ago my friend Y told me don’t listen to what men say, rather watch what they do. That’s where you’ll find the truth. If our puppy-sitting is any indicator of that truism, I don’t know what is.
First, within the first 48 hours of our Chloe-sitting stint, she had claimed her favorite spot: Husband’s lap. Then, one day I called from work to ask about Chloe (Husband stayed home that day). He said, she’s fine. She’s sitting right here.
Where?
On my lap.
Though we had a few long nights of taking Princess Chloe out to “widdle” – even sometimes in the middle of a snow storm – she was tons of fun. She would regal us with her tricks (zooming around and around our couch with toys in her mouth, for one) and giving lots of puppy kisses.
Husband soon was playing with Chloe every night, taking her for long walks, and even giving her a bath after one particularly long and wet romp through our 30 inches of recent snowfall. (Wet snow + puppy fur = a rather distinct smell.) By the end of our two weeks he was even getting up in the middle of the night to take her out, though he swore that was going to be my job.
In essence, very quickly, Husband was putty in the paws of said puppy.
(The man with his remote and Chloe. What more could someone ask for?)
On the last morning before we were to hand her over to her rightful minions owners, without provocation, Husband got the sleepy puppy out of her crate and brought her to bed. She is a real cuddler and snoozed away with us for a few more hours, alternatively resting her head on me or Husband. Interestingly, Husband kept trying to get her to stay on his side of the bed. But, she’s an equal opportunity snuggler. I got my share of nose-nudging.
George M. Schulz was right: Happiness is a warm puppy. But, it’s also Husbands who understand, even if it isn’t always spoken outloud.
(*Note: Title of blog post is from the poem, What Are Little Boys Made Of?)