The Wedding Post-Mortem or How To Not Do What I Did

I have recently gotten wind of a few LBB wedding stories that have chilled my little heart. (This is a feat given the relentless, windy, frigid temperatures outside. Spring, where are you?)

It is unfortunate that so many women who have chosen to get married later in life experienced what I call the “blasé wedding blues.” Apparently, if you are over 40 and getting married for the first time, a typical response is: 

1. It’s about time, now just go off and do it already, or
2. Good for you, now just go off and do it already.

Very few people want to make a big deal around a woman over 40 getting married for the first time, say these LBB compatriots. Such a shame.

If you are 25 and getting married for the first time, well,  every person in your sphere stands at attention, awaiting orders, while secretly planning bachelorette parties, “steal the bride” moments, bridal showers, gift registry tips, wedding dress shopping dates and more.

Deep down inside, we all want people to make a fuss. It’s human nature. Now, that “fuss” may be defined differently. But, in the end, we all want people to “ooh” and “aah” over our life choices, even if in a whisper.

As for me, if I could re-do my wedding (and the months leading up to it) there are many things I would change.

•  I would have had bridesmaids. (I had none.)
• I would have invited more than 43 people to our wedding.
• I would have cared less about whether everyone else was having a good time and concentrated on having a good time myself.
• I wouldn’t have planned so many things that weekend to keep everyone happy and occupied (a pre-wedding barbeque party, a rehearsal dinner for the parents, a girlfriend’s lunch, the wedding and reception itself).
• I would have asked for more hoopla leading up to the weekend wedding, itself,  which I did not have to plan and execute.

And, there it is. That last little bullet. The thing I have been holding in my heart that I did not realize until a recent LBB recounted her own story of how “unmoved” her family seemed about her getting married.

My situation was nothing like hers. She literally had “relatives behaving badly” from making snarky comments to not showing up for events. They treated her wedding day as just any old event. In fact, some of her relatives treated her wedding weekend like it was their vacation, and therefore, everything and anything could be “blown off” if they didn’t feel like it.

Everyone behaved around my wedding. And, everyone seemed genuinely happy to be there.

But, the year leading up to the Big Event? Well…

The truth is, no matter your age, you do want large events in your life celebrated. I had the wedding shower (bless you, T), a small engagement party thrown impromptu by friends (bless you, K & R), the well wishes, the mandatory attendance at the Big Event itself.

But, at times I did get the sense from some folks involved (who shall remain nameless) that my nuptials were all very “been there, done that,” too.

I bear some (much) responsibility for this.

1. I acted “all independent” letting everyone know I could plan and “do” this wedding all by myself. And, I did. In fact, I even told Husband all he had to do was show up. And, he did.
2. I did not ask for any fanfare. I told everyone “whatever you want to do…blah, blah, blah.” And, they did.
3. I believed if I was over 40 then there was to be no screaming, jumping up and down, and giggling. It was all to be dignified. And, elegant. And, mature. Oh, boy. Tons of fun.

In the end, you get what you ask for. So, all you future LBBs out there, choose what you want. Then, speak.

As for me, I’m throwin’ one helluva anniversary party at year five. There will be mandatory merry-making and whooping. Oh, and giggling. Lots of giggling.