2010 March » Late Bloomer Bride

Single people have an advantage. They can converse about their life at will. And, this freedom to talk about whatever, whenever to whoever was usually also taken for granted. I know I did.

When I was single, I had a long list of confidantes that I shared things with. And, what I shared was completely up to me.

Then, I got married.

Before, if I had an issue with a guy, I knew who to go to in order to vent: girlfriends. (This was all before Facebook, too. Today, you can get the masses up to speed on your complaints in a nanosecond.)

For instance, let’s say said romantic partner, oh, forgot for the eight hundredth time that I was going to be at dance class on Thursday night. In fact, I have been going to said dance class for three years. At the same time. To the same place. So, when the phone calls comes in from Husband asking me what we’re doing for dinner when he’s been fending for himself on Thursday for three years, I feel a vent coming on.

But, what to do? Spew on Facebook? Tweet my torments? Blast e’m on the blog? Chew up the telephone lines? Text my troubles? E-mail their errors? Ah, angst.

At what point is sharing shameful? Is telling tales out of school? Is making your significant other look bad? Is violating the sanctity of marriage?

Little did we know when we got married that 40 years of gushing, prattling, chattering, chatting, discussing, talking, gossiping, venting, conversing, sharing, blubbering, and overall general blabbing at will would need to come to an end.

Unbenownst to me when I was single that there exists an unspoken marital code: thou shall make the other person look good at all times. Even when they aren’t good. This is imperative to staying (happily) married.

I believe figuring this out is not as difficult for people who get married at a younger age. This is because our younger counterparts learn communication styles together as they move through adulthood. But, those of us who grew through adulthood, single, well…

I know there must be a happy medium. So I came up with some simple rules (learned the hard way), that other LBBs (and their spouses) may want to consider. See below.

(Additionally, I include a “disloyalty scale rating.” This rating means, if you violate the rule, you are displaying betrayal – at some level. It is based on a scale of 1-10, with ten being the most heinous. Yeah, I am making all this up. But, who else is gonna?)

If you have a blog, column or other public “display” related to your relationship, let your significant other read your entries about them before making them public. If you violate this rule, expect at least a “7” on the disloyalty scale, depending on the topic. (Husband believes this rating should be higher.)
If you have a blog, and you write about your relationship, be sure to talk about yourself 95 percent more than you tell about your significant other. Violating this rule puts you at an average of “6” on the disloyalty scale, depending on how much you skew the ratio.
If you talk about your relationship publicly, let it be a learning experience not a venting experience. Disloyalty scale rating: “8.”
Seek advice from friends, verbally, if you have the honest intention to improve things so that someday you can shut up about it already. Disloyalty scale rating: “0″ (Provided you really do shut your trap eventually.)
Call up friends to vent about him or her so you don’t flatten your partner. But plan to talk with him or her reasonably about it later. Disloyalty Scale rating: “2”. (Letting anyone in on the details of your disagreements does show off imperfections that perhaps your significant other doesn’t want shown,hence the rating not earning a “0.”)
Do not vent about your loved ones on Facebook. Ever. Period. Even alluding to discontent isn’t okay. Violation? Disloyalty scale rating: “8.” This rises to a “10” if you talk about sex. You don’t really need me to explain this one, do you?
Remember that once written down in an e-mail, forever in an e-mail (that could likely get shared). Disloyalty scale rating: Well, it depends on the content. But, if you talking significant trash about your significant other, you get a “9.” If you are seeking advice on how to change the person, you earn a “3.” If you are seeking advice about how to communicate better with them, you earn a “0.”
Nobody on Twitter cares about the state of your marriage. Really. Disloyalty scale rating: “8” (and more for the disloyalty you are showing your followers with your boring tweets on whose underwear was left on the floor last.)

Bottom line? Revamping your communication style doesn’t come easy. But, it is essential to at least examine it when getting married. Learn effective, direct communication.

Below is probably some better advice:

I hate most reality shows. They are just so stupid. Providing 15 minutes of fame to someone who is willing to bare their soul (read: look like an idiot because that’s what brings in ratings) to millions of strangers in TV land. But, there is one show that is proving to be quite interesting – The Marriage Ref.

When I heard Eva Longoria Parker was going to be one of the first celebrity panelists. I thought either she really is a Desperate Housewife, or this show has got some muscle behind it.

So, we watched. It’s not bad. In fact, it’s actually really funny without being laborious or too condescending.

The show has a simple premise: A couple has a long-standing issue. They allow their disagreement to be filmed. A panel of celebrities then weighs in on the issue and gives advice to The Marriage Ref, Tom Papa, who ultimately declares who’s right. The Marriage Ref provides what we all want. A winner. End of fight.

The celebrities so far have included some heavy weights – Madonna, Ricky Gervais, Alec Baldwin, Larry David, Kelly Ripa, Jerry Seinfeld, and, of course, Eva.

An added bonus is I feel really good about Husband.

I am fortunate that I am not married to a man who wants to stuff his dog (it died) and put it in the living room. Or, that he wants to keep a prosthetic leg of his former (now dead) spouse. Or, that he has a dining room table that we’re only allowed to use once a year (Thanksgiving). Otherwise, it sits empty, though fully “dressed,” looking pretty. Or, that he treats the pet Iguana better than me. These are the things other married couples are dealing with.

(At one point Ricky Gervais noted, this is madness. This is the weirdest show I have ever been on. Like I’ve always said, marriage — it’s funny.)

So, got an issue? NBC is seeking couples who want what we all want – a final answer. I understand its permanent home will be Thursday night, 10 p.m. Eastern, on NBC.