Archive for March, 2010
Other Fun Blogs, Lots of (Really Good) Relationship Advice
Posted by: | CommentsI read. A lot. I’ve come across some terrific bloggers (and other sites) who have interesting perspectives, ask good questions, and provide healthy advice. Below is a very short list of some I’ve come to know and love.
- A Simple Marriage A sample blog post: How To Improve Marriage And Slow Down Life At The Same Time (Terrific advice)
- Moving From Me to We A sample blog post: The Forgotten First Step for Connecting (When self reliance can cause disconnection)
- Luvem or Leavem A sample blog post: Smart Women and Relationships (Good advice here, especially for the very successful)
- His Point of View A sample blog post: Can Your Accomplishments Cause Loneliness? (Something we LBBs struggle with)
- The Love Engineer A sample blog post: Dating After Divorce? Two Words for Ya (Funny!)
- A Good Husband A sample blog post: A New Year’s Resolution for My Marriage (Everyone, sigh with me in pure admiration for this post)
- The Guy’s Perspective A sample blog posting: Part 1: Three Guys on Cheating (You really should read the other two, as well)
- Nandoism A sample blog post: Do You Deserve a Relationship? (We have all had these thoughts)
- Your Tango A sample blog post: 10 Things Happy Couples Talk About (A few surprises here)
Anyone have others they like?
Quote of the Week: Dance
Posted by: | CommentsA long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time. ~Anne Taylor Fleming
Quote of the Week: Simple Pleasures
Posted by: | CommentsIn honor of the lovely spring day, which allowed Husband and me to sit outside on our back terrace enjoying French toast this morning.
A simple enough pleasure, surely, to have breakfast alone with one’s husband, but how seldom married people in the midst of life achieve it. ~Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Talking Trash. Just Don’t.
Posted by: | CommentsSingle people have an advantage. They can converse about their life at will. And, this freedom to talk about whatever, whenever to whoever was usually also taken for granted. I know I did.
When I was single, I had a long list of confidantes that I shared things with. And, what I shared was completely up to me.
Then, I got married.
Before, if I had an issue with a guy, I knew who to go to in order to vent: girlfriends. (This was all before Facebook, too. Today, you can get the masses up to speed on your complaints in a nanosecond.)
For instance, let’s say said romantic partner, oh, forgot for the eight hundredth time that I was going to be at dance class on Thursday night. In fact, I have been going to said dance class for three years. At the same time. To the same place. So, when the phone calls comes in from Husband asking me what we’re doing for dinner when he’s been fending for himself on Thursday for three years, I feel a vent coming on.
But, what to do? Spew on Facebook? Tweet my torments? Blast e’m on the blog? Chew up the telephone lines? Text my troubles? E-mail their errors? Ah, angst.
At what point is sharing shameful? Is telling tales out of school? Is making your significant other look bad? Is violating the sanctity of marriage?
Little did we know when we got married that 40 years of gushing, prattling, chattering, chatting, discussing, talking, gossiping, venting, conversing, sharing, blubbering, and overall general blabbing at will would need to come to an end.
Unbenownst to me when I was single that there exists an unspoken marital code: thou shall make the other person look good at all times. Even when they aren’t good. This is imperative to staying (happily) married.
I believe figuring this out is not as difficult for people who get married at a younger age. This is because our younger counterparts learn communication styles together as they move through adulthood. But, those of us who grew through adulthood, single, well…
I know there must be a happy medium. So I came up with some simple rules (learned the hard way), that other LBBs (and their spouses) may want to consider. See below.
(Additionally, I include a “disloyalty scale rating.” This rating means, if you violate the rule, you are displaying betrayal – at some level. It is based on a scale of 1-10, with ten being the most heinous. Yeah, I am making all this up. But, who else is gonna?)
- If you have a blog, column or other public “display” related to your relationship, let your significant other read your entries about them before making them public. If you violate this rule, expect at least a “7” on the disloyalty scale, depending on the topic. (Husband believes this rating should be higher.)
- If you have a blog, and you write about your relationship, be sure to talk about yourself 95 percent more than you tell about your significant other. Violating this rule puts you at an average of “6” on the disloyalty scale, depending on how much you skew the ratio.
- If you talk about your relationship publicly, let it be a learning experience not a venting experience. Disloyalty scale rating: “8.”
- Seek advice from friends, verbally, if you have the honest intention to improve things so that someday you can shut up about it already. Disloyalty scale rating: “0″ (Provided you really do shut your trap eventually.)
- Call up friends to vent about him or her so you don’t flatten your partner. But plan to talk with him or her reasonably about it later. Disloyalty Scale rating: “2”. (Letting anyone in on the details of your disagreements does show off imperfections that perhaps your significant other doesn’t want shown,hence the rating not earning a “0.”)
- Do not vent about your loved ones on Facebook. Ever. Period. Even alluding to discontent isn’t okay. Violation? Disloyalty scale rating: “8.” This rises to a “10” if you talk about sex. You don’t really need me to explain this one, do you?
- Remember that once written down in an e-mail, forever in an e-mail (that could likely get shared). Disloyalty scale rating: Well, it depends on the content. But, if you talking significant trash about your significant other, you get a “9.” If you are seeking advice on how to change the person, you earn a “3.” If you are seeking advice about how to communicate better with them, you earn a “0.”
- Nobody on Twitter cares about the state of your marriage. Really. Disloyalty scale rating: “8” (and more for the disloyalty you are showing your followers with your boring tweets on whose underwear was left on the floor last.)
Bottom line? Revamping your communication style doesn’t come easy. But, it is essential to at least examine it when getting married. Learn effective, direct communication.
Below is probably some better advice:
“Winning” with the Marriage Ref
Posted by: | CommentsI hate most reality shows. They are just so stupid. Providing 15 minutes of fame to someone who is willing to bare their soul (read: look like an idiot because that’s what brings in ratings) to millions of strangers in TV land. But, there is one show that is proving to be quite interesting – The Marriage Ref.
When I heard Eva Longoria Parker was going to be one of the first celebrity panelists. I thought either she really is a Desperate Housewife, or this show has got some muscle behind it.
So, we watched. It’s not bad. In fact, it’s actually really funny without being laborious or too condescending.
The show has a simple premise: A couple has a long-standing issue. They allow their disagreement to be filmed. A panel of celebrities then weighs in on the issue and gives advice to The Marriage Ref, Tom Papa, who ultimately declares who’s right. The Marriage Ref provides what we all want. A winner. End of fight.
The celebrities so far have included some heavy weights – Madonna, Ricky Gervais, Alec Baldwin, Larry David, Kelly Ripa, Jerry Seinfeld, and, of course, Eva.
An added bonus is I feel really good about Husband.
I am fortunate that I am not married to a man who wants to stuff his dog (it died) and put it in the living room. Or, that he wants to keep a prosthetic leg of his former (now dead) spouse. Or, that he has a dining room table that we’re only allowed to use once a year (Thanksgiving). Otherwise, it sits empty, though fully “dressed,” looking pretty. Or, that he treats the pet Iguana better than me. These are the things other married couples are dealing with.
(At one point Ricky Gervais noted, this is madness. This is the weirdest show I have ever been on. Like I’ve always said, marriage — it’s funny.)
So, got an issue? NBC is seeking couples who want what we all want – a final answer. I understand its permanent home will be Thursday night, 10 p.m. Eastern, on NBC.
Quote of the Week: Tribe
Posted by: | CommentsCall it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one. ~ Jane Howard
Singles Take Note: The Soulmate Secret
Posted by: | Comments“Somewhere someone is looking for exactly what you have to offer.” – Louise Hay
Quite frequently I get asked about finding a partner – from where to meet men or women to how to get them to commit. (And, yes, the words “land,” “reeling” and “catching” are used often.)
From now on I am sending people to the book, The Soulmate Secret, by Arielle Ford.
This book reminded me of a belief I had adopted just before I met Husband: You already have the love of The One, your soulmate, the perfect him or her. You just now have to meet them. Pretty good start, huh?
What I really loved about this book is the myriad of things to do. It isn’t just one long string of testimonials about how someone “thought into existence” their soulmate (though your thoughts count – a lot). Rather, as one of the quotes in the book says, you must learn to pray with your feet. The Soulmate Secret helps you do just that. If I were single I would do every single one of the things the author suggests.
(Oh, and she has a wonderful Web site to check out, too.)
So, if you are single, go forth and meet!
Sex.
Posted by: | CommentsThings that arrive in my inbox have no rhyme or reason. This month must be sex month, given what’s shown up. So I’m giving you all the goods. At once. (Writing about sex isn’t nearly as much fun as having it, so you get this one post, K?)
Many lists exist about what creates a long-standing marriage. I like this idea – four simple steps. Guess what number four is? Cultivate a healthy passion. Nice way to put it. Proactive. Succinct. Rich-sounding.
Cultivate = You have to nurture it. It doesn’t just happen.
Healthy = That means not hurtful, manipulative or harmful to psyche or body.
Passion = This speaks to being energetic and enthusiastic.
But, sometimes you need a little help in those areas. So below are some resources to help get you started (or keep going)
- Benchmarking Help. Wonder if you are getting more or less than others? God Bless America. Now, who’s getting laid? All charts and graphs for easy understanding. But, if 42 percent of the men report having sex on the first date and just 17 percent of the women report doing the same, how does that work exactly?
- Aging Help. Feeling a little old for all this in this department? Tips to maintain a healthy sex life later in life provides some sound advice. “Expanding your idea of sex” was one good thought.
- Seduction Help. Want to add a little spice? But, your significant other needs a little, well, help? As in, specific help? 101 Nights of Grrrrreat Sex. This book is incredible. 101 sealed pages. Half are for her and half are for him. If you open one, you are committing yourself to the seduction instructions inside. (You don’t show your partner the “assignment.” You just do it.) Terrific for getting men to think “outside the box” but in ways we females wish they would. And, Husband reports they got it right on the male side, too.
Quote of the Week: Missile
Posted by: | CommentsIf it is your time, love will track you down like a cruise missile. ~Lynda Barry
Kitchen Wars
Posted by: | CommentsThe Wall Street Journal isn’t just for financial news. They like to address all kinds of lifestyle and home issues, too, such as When the Kitchen Knives Come Out.
This article cracked me up. It shows how couples do battle around food preparation.
It reminds me that, when single, you often lose sight of your preferences. After all, there are few people to challenge you. But, getting married? Well, all of a sudden someone says Dukes’ mayonnaise is better than Hellmans’ and all hell breaks loose.
When you get married later in life there are other issues, as well. You are in the unfortunate position to merge two fully-formed kitchens. Which dish set is the best? Who’s coffee maker do we keep? And, who has the best whisk? (For the record, it’s mine.) Do we really need 12 pewter authentic beer steins?
There are the territory issues that arise in the kitchen. All that constant bumping butts over the sink as one is trying to open the cutlery drawer.
Of course, there is protecting the food altogether.
And, then, there are the clean-up issues.
Husband and I have an ongoing battle of who loads the dishwasher best. I say the cutlery should go face down. The dirty ends will be hit with soapy water first. Husband insists all utensils should stand right side up. They get cleaner that way, he says. But I ask, how do you get them OUT without putting your hands on the “eating” ends? End of cleanliness.
One of the first kitchen wars we had was over the sponge. Apparently I kept leaving the sponge face down in the sink versus standing on its end so it would drain near the faucet. This was tantamount to sin.
Of course, Husband leaves the water running and running and running while he’s busy wiping counters (occasionally). I say it’s environmentally incorrect. Then I get a lecture about water conservation and drought and how water running down the drain isn’t causing us to have less water. I stand my ground. He continues to let the water run.
I also learned that the stove has special meaning to Husband. If there was one drop of juice that dared to touch the bottom of the oven, he’d put it on self clean. This makes our townhouse smell like a chemical factory. Husband doesn’t mind. Even when I cough so much I have to leave the house. Now, Husband is not allowed to ever to touch the self-clean function on the stove. (For the record, our stove looks brand new at all times because Husband is also obsessed with the stovetop being crystal clean – inside and out. We’re talking cleaning and then shining with Windex afterward. Yes, he’s in charge of that. I have better things to do.)
But, nothing showcases our different kitchen styles like our ongoing battle over how many implements are the “right amount” to use when cooking or baking. I use whatever is within easy reach – even if it means pulling out the fourth spoon to stir that pot. Husband believes one should use the least amount of dishes at all time. Less to clean, he says. This is hysterical to me because I do 90 percent of the cleaning anyway. Hmmm. He refuses to clean up after me. Maybe he’s got a little racket going on there.
