When I got married, I thought I pretty much knew what I was up for. I got married for the first time at age 42, so I had been on the planet long enough, and witnessed and participated in, first hand, dozens of weddings and mergings. I also had been around enough married couples to believe I knew what it took to unite. Uh, yeah.

I had underestimated one thing quite dramatically. The amount of time it takes to merge.

First, there was the mingling of finances, retirement plans, wills, prenups, insurance and all manners of legal, tax and accounting issues that had to go on.

Then, there was the combining of households. No small feat given I had a 2500 square foot, “completed” house of my own to merge with his 2000 square foot home.

And, let us not forget the coming together of friends, family and stepchildren.

Five years later, and much of this is still going on.

I have come to realize that I was pretty settled into my life, as a single person. And, upon getting married, I was agreeing to become wholly unsettled again. This is not a bad thing, it’s just what happens.

But, if you are like me, being unsettled is quite, well, unsettling. I like organization. I like having decisions made. I like being able to wake up in the morning and feel some basic things about life are determined and we are now just enjoying them and not just striving for them. I kinda like arriving. Goal reached. Objective obtained. Done. Next!

I imagine I’m not alone. If you are certain about your mate being “the one,” the desire is strong to get settled into married life quickly and efficiently. But to all LBBs out there, I warn you.

Merging – especially later in life — takes time. Lots of it.

If you are over 40, you’ve accumulated a lot of stuff, habits, behaviors and attitudes, people, and all manners of legal “situations and scenarios” that now have to be (or could be) joined with another. So, below are some things to consider doing to help make the merging process a little more organized. (I can’t promise things will speed up, however.)

1. Make a priority list. What is most important to combine right away? This includes:

• Living together (merging your day to day) or being married right away (creating a legal and/or spiritual union). So, if a wedding takes time to plan, do you want to wait until that happens before merging your life? Or do you want to wait until after?
• Your household. Where do you want to live and how? How soon do you want to get there? Do you want to update, fix, renovate? By when?
• Your legal and financial world. This includes, but is not limited to, wills, retirement, durable power of attorney, health directives, operating accounts, savings accounts, insurances (from car to home, from health to long-term care). How will these decisions be made? By when? Where do you join, where do you maintain separation?
• Your social life, friends and family (and pets). Who do you want in your life and how much? Who gets priority? Where and when do you spend time with them?
• Your careers. How do your work schedules jive? What are the expectations for overtime, working late, or travel?
• Your hobbies, passions and pursuits. How much time do you expect each other to devote to these, together or alone?

2.      Create a timeline for when decisions will be made and when things will get done.

3.      Assign tasks to each other.

4.      Set aside time to check in with one other. Husband and I have a regular night for a “family business” meeting.

5. Be kind when if one of you fails to keep the plan intact. Just regroup, recommit and move forward.

6. When a major milestone is reached, celebrate it. We tend to involve food at such moments, such as going out to dinner. But, do whatever makes you feel rewarded.

I know this sounds a bit business-like, but having a plan around the “coming together” process can be helpful. No matter where you are in your relationship, it’s still good to know where you’re going –and by when.

For the record, I’m still learning number five. I’m spectacular at number six. Just in case you were wondering.