I am amazed at some of the reactions I’ve gotten from people when they discover I married for the first time at age 42. The things that come out of their mouths. Oy, vey. I never seem to think of the really great comeback until the next day.
My friend, the St. Louis Working Mom, has a similar experience when people find out she has teenagers.
To those individuals who told me “it’s about time” I got married, when we announced our engagement, I might now say, “yeah, well I was waiting for my harem of lovers to give me permission to add one more. But, they are kinda selfish about me…” I try to be as kind as I can to the stupid people. But, every once in a while I just want to retort.
So, below is a list for all you LBBs out there needing some good responses for all the positively crass things people might say to you. I recommend printing it out and having it made into a wallet size. ‘Cause if you haven’t heard these yet – you very will could. This one’s for you StLWM!
- The remark: Well, we never thought you’d take the plunge. The nice response: Thanks for thinking I’m so special. The response I really want to give: Yeah, it’s tough being wanted by so many men. It was just so hard to choose, you know? Oh, well, maybe you don’t.
- The remark: He must be some special perfect man to have won you. The nice response: Why, yes, he is. I held out for the best. The response I really want to give: Yeah, what happened in your case? I mean, [[insert his/her spouse’s name]], really??
- The remark: What changed your mind about marriage? The nice response: I waited for the right man. The response I really want to give: I saw just how miserable everyone else was being married, I thought I’d join all of you.
- The remark: We were wondering if you liked men. The nice response: I always did. The response I really want to give: Actually, I like both. [[insert name of new husband/fiancé] and I both do (wink-wink) if you know what I mean.
- The remark: I guess we can’t call you spinster anymore. The nice response: Do they even have those anymore? The response I really want to give: Does that mean I can’t call you a bitch anymore?
- The remark: We have to meet this guy. The nice response: He’s dying to meet you, too. The response I really want to give: No. You’re not allowed.
- The remark: So, I guess he doesn’t want children, huh? The nice response: We aren’t going to talk about our deeply personal business outside of our relationship. The response I really want to give: Actually, our adoption papers just came in. We’re taking over for octo-mom.
- The remark: Thank goodness he has already (or insert: does not want) children. What would you have done? The nice response: I guess that means we’re perfect for each other. The response I really want to give: Probably killed myself, because that’s what you’re supposed to do when you don’t have children, right?
- The remark: Why bother now? The nice response: It’s never too late for love. The response I really want to give: I asked myself that very same thing when you told me you were getting a new job, new boyfriend, new house, new car, new [[insert]].
- The remark: Oh, your wedding is on Labor Day Weekend? Sorry, we already have plans (a year from now). But, it won’t be that big of a wedding anyway, right? The nice response: We’ll miss you. The response I really want to give: Sooo glad I threw you two bridal showers, a bachelorette party and wore that paisley dress in your wedding when I was only making $800 a week. Oh, but you were 28 and that means your wedding was more special, huh?
- The remark: No, I’m not wearing that color in your wedding. The nice response: Please? For me? The response I really want to give: Okay, you can wear that chartreuse green dress you made me wear in your wedding. It’s a size 4, so start starving.
- The remark: White, huh? The nice response: Yes. The response I really want to give: I thought about wearing scarlet red. You know like you did. But then I thought, hmmm, that’s really not my best color.
And, the final thing you might hear, courtesy of Laurie, the LBB:
13. Stupid remark: Thank goodness. We were worried who was going to take care of you. The nice response: No need to worry, I’ve been fine. The response I really want to give: What, are you from the 50s or something? Who do you think has been paying the mortgage all these years? Santa Claus?
#10 almost created a red wine spit take on the white wall! No I am not an LBB, but I never had kids in either of my marriages (thank christ!) and the “why don’t you have kids?” comments are just as rude. I realized early in life that most people are drones and if one does something different, they truly just don’t get it. They don’t even get the sarcastic remarks so it is just better to say the classy thing, as I know you did LBB heroin! #13 is priceless as well.
Thank you!
Oh Suzanne, I laughed so hard at these. I think that number 5 is my favorite, and yes, I think that all of us who can’t form a witty comeback instantly love to write so that we can share it once we’ve thought of it after the fact.
It’s always amazing what people will say and not realize how inappropriate their words are. I got married at 26, but we waited 3 years to have a baby, and these same types of big mouth people had the nerve to make remarks about us waiting so long. I would just smile and say that I wanted to be done with grad school first since 10 hour work days plus night classes didn’t allow for much sleep let alone a baby. But oh, I had quite a few choice words in the comeback I thought of the next day!
Thanks, Tina! I have heard that the parenthood/baby questions are equally, shall we say, grating.
This is fantastic! I think #8 is my favorite.
I just found your blog after listening to an audio clip of the BlogHer 2010 conference.
Thank you! I am so glad you found your way here. BlogHer was fun.
Thank you, oh wise and wonderful LBB goddess! This is perfect!! Consider it printed and laminated for easy reference.
These are fabulous!! I hope I get a chance to use them someday!
Love them all!!!!