Suzanne
I once saw a profile piece on TV about Elizabeth Gilbert (author of Eat, Pray, Love and Committed – which I HIGHLY recommend reading if you are married or ever considered getting married). She said one of her many ephiphanies about her life is that what she really wanted was “a big, small life.” Kinda profound, really. Some people may crave the life of a Kardashian or a Clooney. But, I believe most of us want what Gilbert so simply put: a significant feeling life arising from little things. When you think about it, life is made up of so many small things. You wouldn’t need to be rich or famous or live in an Italian villa to find comfort and meaning if you could find joy and satisfaction in something as mundane as finding that perfect avocado at the grocery store or an unexpectedly warm day in the middle of January.
Am I losing you with my philosophical rambling and ruminations? Well, let me get back to something more tangible, then. Puppy poop. No, I did not have an ephiphany around how dog doo-doo can be joyful. But….
The other night, Puppy Callum had an unusual 1 a.m. request. Normally he sleeps through the night. (I shall now take a moment to thank God for sending me a dog who sleeps. Amen.) But, not this night. He started rattling his cage and shaking his head in his cage. This is his signal for I’m awake, so you should be, too, and let me out cause I gotta go.
So, I hauled myself from the toasty bed to take him outside in 28 degrees so he could pee and poop. But, rather than just doing his business, he was distracted by the animal sounds all around us and ended up sniffing and jumping around. You see, at night, we have deer who stomp around just out of the porch light’s reach, snorting and cavorting as if to say, who the hell are you and what are you doing on our land and what is that little creepy furry white thing? I keep a rather large flashlight in hand during these rare late night poop parties just in case one of them decides to charge us. I figure I can bonk a deer in the head if it comes down to having to save the puppy. But, so far, there haven’t been any human-puppy-deer attacks yet. (My friend, Ed, of the Wildlife Center of Virginia is probably secretly laughing at me about this. But, I figure a girl can’t be too careful. Anyway…)
Since Callum was taking so long to decide whether or not to bare his butt in such frigid air, I had a moment to reflect. I looked up. And, I saw something that I swear I cannot recall seeing since the 90s.
This is not my picture. But, it is indicative of what I saw. And, I realized that I can’t recall the last time I looked up at a night sky. I mean really looked up. Noticing the stars. And, I thought about what Elizabeth Gilbert said. I had one of those brief little girl gleeful moments of being awed.
But, then I heard Callum’s munching something and looked down. He was eating his poop. Oh, well. At least he went. It’s the little things…
January 20, 2012
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Jan 152012
And what is it to work with love? It is to weave the cloth with threads drawn from your heart, even as if your beloved were to wear that cloth. It is to build a house with affection, even as if your beloved were to dwell in that house. It is to sow seeds with tenderness and reap the harvest with joy, even as if your beloved were to eat the fruit. It is to charge all things you fashion with a breath of your own spirit, And to know that all the blessed dead are standing about you and watching. ~Kahlil Gibran
January 15, 2012
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I can’t say enough about this book, the Secret Lives of Wives by Iris Krasnow. At first I just didn’t want to get into it. I mean, reading a book about how women made their marriages work, long-term, should be good, right? But, I was hesitant to read yet another relationship book that basically says two things: learn to compromise and communicate. (It all boils down to that, doesn’t it?) I am done with unoriginal, bumper-sticker, B-O-R-I-N-G advice.
Also, her perspective was clearly going to come from being married early – not a late bloomer bride like me. She talks of building a tribe together and how that is the bedrock that a couple stands on. As someone who married for the first time after age 40, however, Husband and I had long and established histories, where we pitched our marital tent on a mountain that was built with the help of and experiences from other partners and love interests. So, would this advice apply? (Spoiler alert – it does.)
But, I started reading anyway. Just in case it was good. I hate missing anything good.
First, know that the book is extremely well-written. That’s probably how I kept turning the page, actually. I appreciate fine writing. Hell, I kept reading Snow Flower and the Secret Fan for this very reason even after all those icky foot binding scenes that made me want to punch their mothers. But, I digress. . .
In the Secret Lives of Wives, Krasnow masterfully weaves her own marital story in and around the other women’s stories and ensuing advice and ideas to try on. Yet, she avoids the usual (and annoying) comparisons of herself to the others. But, rather just tells you what she thinks in an honest and forthright fashion about herself, her husband and the stories of the other wives’ relationships. (And there are some DOOZIES in this book. You’ll feel better about your own marriage after these. And, you will learn from them. Trust me.)
She talks about the “eggshell-thin line that separates bliss from despair in marriage.” She writes, “I know what it means to say ‘I love you’ at breakfast and mutter ‘I can’t stand you’ at dinner.”
Oh, yeah, sister.
She opens reminding us that “what draws a couple together is a spiritual mystery that only the two of them can understand. Yet, what keeps a husband and wife together is not so mysterious.”
The wives stories that she shares “racy and real, convince me that the only absolute truth about marriage is that no one knows what’s going on in an intimate relationship except the two people in it.”
Yet, there are things to learn from them. There are patterns and behaviors. She then goes on to describe them.
The only idea I just couldn’t buy was this notion of spending long periods of time apart. Yes, this is one of the “lessons” that Krasnow believes long-term wives have learned that actually help the marriage. She does it herself, spending summers apart from her Husband. But, just as she couldn’t get into the sexual partner-sharing that one of the wives she interviewed is really into (EE-GADS), I just can’t get into this time-apart idea. I don’t trust it. That may be a failing on my part – to not trust that Husband and I would stay well connected if we took separate summer vacations (and Krasnow was talking about weeks and months, not just a few days!). But, you should read about it anyway even if I’m not ready for separate summer vacations.
I won’t give away much more. It’s an entertaining read, unlike many relationship and how-to books. But, I will tell you this: In the end, it all comes down to just staying in it. Yes, just staying married means just not going for a divorce. So many of the women told horrible tales of infidelity, boredom, selfishness, and years moments of falling out of love with their spouse. But, the main difference is, they waited it out. They didn’t run to a divorce attorney. They simply waited and worked at it more until it turned around. That was it. That is how you stay married. You don’t divorce.
As Nike says, Just Do It.
Hard copy:
Kindle:
January 12, 2012
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Jan 112012
Just a few random thoughts to meet the week in the middle on a quirky start. Why not? No one seems to need advice on our usual Wednesday advice day. So, here we are.
1. I am slightly embarrassed at how thrilled I am that Justin Timberlake finally popped the question to Jessica Biel. ‘Bout time. I always liked her. She seems more real than the other airheads he’s dated. And, it’s time for ‘being real’ to get some game in Hollywood. Maybe this will cancel out the recent Kim Kardashian marriage stupidity?
2. It took our puppy, Callum, exactly 2 weeks to learn to pose for the paparazzi that follows him everywhere. Kim, move over. There’s a new smoky eye in town.
(You knew I couldn’t resist adding something about the puppy, didn’t you?)
3. I really need to start working out with a girlfriend and not alone. I think this because last night — post workout — I looked down as I was stretching and noticed my tag sticking out of my T-shirt. That was because I was wearing it INSIDE OUT — for the last hour, I might add. Powerwalking around the track for 20 minutes. Huffing it on the eliptical for 30 minutes. And, now in the “stretch” area. The creepy old men who follow me around on the track – ostensibly to watch my butt — wouldn’t tell me. No, that would be RUDE. Only a girlfriend would point out I was a total Poindexter with my tags and seams hanging out for all to see – and in time to avoid the shame.
4. Hello, my name is Suzanne. And, I am addicted to Downton Abbey. I want to dress like Mary and have servants putter all around me. (Is that bad?) I want her clothes, in particular. But, not her hair. Ewww. And, dammit, she should just admit she loves Matthew. They CANNOT end the series without that.
5. I can’t think of anything else. It must be Wednesday.
January 11, 2012
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