Author Archive
Sex.
Posted by: | CommentsThings that arrive in my inbox have no rhyme or reason. This month must be sex month, given what’s shown up. So I’m giving you all the goods. At once. (Writing about sex isn’t nearly as much fun as having it, so you get this one post, K?)
Many lists exist about what creates a long-standing marriage. I like this idea – four simple steps. Guess what number four is? Cultivate a healthy passion. Nice way to put it. Proactive. Succinct. Rich-sounding.
Cultivate = You have to nurture it. It doesn’t just happen.
Healthy = That means not hurtful, manipulative or harmful to psyche or body.
Passion = This speaks to being energetic and enthusiastic.
But, sometimes you need a little help in those areas. So below are some resources to help get you started (or keep going)
- Benchmarking Help. Wonder if you are getting more or less than others? God Bless America. Now, who’s getting laid? All charts and graphs for easy understanding. But, if 42 percent of the men report having sex on the first date and just 17 percent of the women report doing the same, how does that work exactly?
- Aging Help. Feeling a little old for all this in this department? Tips to maintain a healthy sex life later in life provides some sound advice. “Expanding your idea of sex” was one good thought.
- Seduction Help. Want to add a little spice? But, your significant other needs a little, well, help? As in, specific help? 101 Nights of Grrrrreat Sex. This book is incredible. 101 sealed pages. Half are for her and half are for him. If you open one, you are committing yourself to the seduction instructions inside. (You don’t show your partner the “assignment.” You just do it.) Terrific for getting men to think “outside the box” but in ways we females wish they would. And, Husband reports they got it right on the male side, too.
Quote of the Week: Missile
Posted by: | CommentsIf it is your time, love will track you down like a cruise missile. ~Lynda Barry
Kitchen Wars
Posted by: | CommentsThe Wall Street Journal isn’t just for financial news. They like to address all kinds of lifestyle and home issues, too, such as When the Kitchen Knives Come Out.
This article cracked me up. It shows how couples do battle around food preparation.
It reminds me that, when single, you often lose sight of your preferences. After all, there are few people to challenge you. But, getting married? Well, all of a sudden someone says Dukes’ mayonnaise is better than Hellmans’ and all hell breaks loose.
When you get married later in life there are other issues, as well. You are in the unfortunate position to merge two fully-formed kitchens. Which dish set is the best? Who’s coffee maker do we keep? And, who has the best whisk? (For the record, it’s mine.) Do we really need 12 pewter authentic beer steins?
There are the territory issues that arise in the kitchen. All that constant bumping butts over the sink as one is trying to open the cutlery drawer.
Of course, there is protecting the food altogether.
And, then, there are the clean-up issues.
Husband and I have an ongoing battle of who loads the dishwasher best. I say the cutlery should go face down. The dirty ends will be hit with soapy water first. Husband insists all utensils should stand right side up. They get cleaner that way, he says. But I ask, how do you get them OUT without putting your hands on the “eating” ends? End of cleanliness.
One of the first kitchen wars we had was over the sponge. Apparently I kept leaving the sponge face down in the sink versus standing on its end so it would drain near the faucet. This was tantamount to sin.
Of course, Husband leaves the water running and running and running while he’s busy wiping counters (occasionally). I say it’s environmentally incorrect. Then I get a lecture about water conservation and drought and how water running down the drain isn’t causing us to have less water. I stand my ground. He continues to let the water run.
I also learned that the stove has special meaning to Husband. If there was one drop of juice that dared to touch the bottom of the oven, he’d put it on self clean. This makes our townhouse smell like a chemical factory. Husband doesn’t mind. Even when I cough so much I have to leave the house. Now, Husband is not allowed to ever to touch the self-clean function on the stove. (For the record, our stove looks brand new at all times because Husband is also obsessed with the stovetop being crystal clean – inside and out. We’re talking cleaning and then shining with Windex afterward. Yes, he’s in charge of that. I have better things to do.)
But, nothing showcases our different kitchen styles like our ongoing battle over how many implements are the “right amount” to use when cooking or baking. I use whatever is within easy reach – even if it means pulling out the fourth spoon to stir that pot. Husband believes one should use the least amount of dishes at all time. Less to clean, he says. This is hysterical to me because I do 90 percent of the cleaning anyway. Hmmm. He refuses to clean up after me. Maybe he’s got a little racket going on there.
Quote of the Week: Lingerie
Posted by: | CommentsIf love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? ~Anonymous
Gird Your Loins. Marriage and Taxes.
Posted by: | CommentsI am a word person. Always have been. You can play with them, re-order them, make them say all kinds of interesting and creative things. Numbers? Well, I only like them when they are really, really big, sitting in my checkbook not committed to anything in particular. Just waiting for me to log on to www.zappos.com.
Husband is a numbers person. Taxes, financials, accounting. He does it all. He likes to order them, file them, basically beat them into submission. I do believe I have married the only man on the planet who gets positively giddy when the UPS man delivers the new year’s tax code book. Seriously. See this?
That’s Husband holding the tax code. He is smiling, he says, because this rather thick book is filled with all kinds of goodies about deductions.
When Husband first brought up marriage with me, he quickly backtracked saying we should just live together. It’d be cheaper, he announced. He’s right. Marriage has not been kind to our tax status.
Recently, I came across an interesting article from the UK on how couples are wedding later in life. The line that got me was: The figures sparked, once again, a debate over whether married couples should enjoy tax breaks.
In the U.K., according to this article, it has been calculated that approximately 1.8 million low-earning couples are materially worse off than their single parent counterparts, losing on average £1,336 a year because they live together.
I made a huge mistake in mentioning this to Husband. (One thing you learn early in marriage is that timing is everything. You have to know when to bring up stuff.)
Mentioning this blog post, in development, gave him an excuse to rail about Congress, the current administration, the mounting national debt (or the national black hole), and how I still haven’t printed out some report form Quickbooks that he needs, like, yesterday.
But, this is not unusual. Every time tax time comes around, Husband grumbles about how much more money we’d make it we were just legally single and living together.
According to this year’s tax code, the marriage penalty starts, Husband says, somewhere between $86,000 and $137, 000 – jointly. Quite a spread. And, if we made the low end, well, we’d have to live with my mother. Forget being married.
The tax ramifications around marriage are different for every couple. So, just for grins, I googled.
- Marriage and Taxes from the Groom Grove (don’t ya just love that title)?
- Bad Tax Idea: Getting married without checking on the tax ramifications, by Profitable
- The Marriage Calculator: Financial Consequences of Marriage Decisions by the US Dept of Health & Human Services
- The Myth of the Marriage Penalty by Liz Pulliam Weston on MSN Money
- Getting Married by TurboTax
- Marriage Penalty: I don’t think so by Living Single blogger Bella DePaulo, published by Psychology Today
Read it and weep.
(Note to all readers: I am NOT giving out tax advice. You’ll need someone much smarter with numbers than me for that. Talk to your accountant.)
Quote of the Week: Lead Your Heart
Posted by: | CommentsDon’t just follow your heart because your heart can be deceived…but LEAD your heart. ~Fireproof, the movie
Marriage: Makes Life Interesting? Or Adds to Happiness?
Posted by: | CommentsPenelope Trunk’s blog, Brazen Careerist, gives a very interesting perspective on life. Her recent posts on happiness – the definition of it, the desire for it, and the overall pursuit of it – got me thinking about marriage, especially the “later in life” kind.
Trunk believes that people fall into two categories: those people who pursue a happy life and those people who pursue an interesting life.
I took her test in her latest blog post: Test: Is your life happy or interesting? I came out as someone who wanted to be interesting more than happy.
Her premise about happiness versus interesting made me ponder about why we get married. Do we get married because we believe it will make us happy? Or, do we commit to one person because we think it add to the “interesting-ness” of our lives?
I think women who marry later in life may be looking for a life that is more remarkable than content. And, their marital partners are committed to the same. Here’s why.
For most of us, we tend to fall into two categories around marriage: those who really want to just be married and those who want to be married to a specific type of person. Late bloomer brides (LBBs) tend to always fall in the latter category. This doesn’t mean those who got married earlier in life just settled for “whomever.” But, early marriages could be either category. LBBs definitely are in the second group and rarely in the first.
Why?
1. LBBs look for “the one.” Almost all the late bloomer brides I have come to know seem to have waited to marry someone they felt was “right.” They weren’t willing to “settle” for anyone who just popped the question or someone they could just live with. They weren’t looking for someone to make them happy or complete their life. They could do that on their own. Rather, they were holding out for someone they couldn’t live without – someone who interests them more days than not. Finding that person takes some time. Hence, the after 40 part.
2. LBBs have high standards. We explored, investigated, searched. In the meantime, we still had lots of time to ourselves. We had time to make career moves, travel, figure out favorite shoe stores, cities, breakfast foods — all by our lonesomes. We became more interesting as people because of it. Thus, the bar for a partner is raised. We want to be with people who have done things, too. We need someone who is very interesting to us.
3. LBBs will never be shackled again. When I was 10 years old, I distinctly remember having moments of absolute desperation to get somewhere – anywhere but there. I was held captive spent my childhood in a very small country town, with no money, and bound to do what all kids do – go to the same school building to sit, learn and listen for hours and hours and hours on end. I knew there was stuff going on Out There. And, I was being kept from it.
And, you know what? I was right.
There was a lot going on Out There. And, it was very, very interesting. The first week out of college felt like I had been let out of prison. And, I wasn’t going back. So, I was bound and determined not to be committed to another’s life until I was ready. I suspect many women who wait until after age 40 to get married have a similar tale to tell.
4. LBBs enjoy the journey as much as the destination. Our 20s and 30s are filled with exploring – again, career, travel, friends, experiences, hobbies, you name it. And, if a guy wanted to come along that was great. But, for the most part, we were more committed to the journey than committed to just settling down. It’s not that we aren’t goal oriented. It’s just that there is a lot of interesting scenery and pit-stops to take in. We don’t want to miss anything.
So, why would a woman who has high standards, be wary of being “shackled,” and who loves the voyage choose to get married? Because Husband was more interesting than all of that. And, he wants to do interesting things. Having an interesting life makes this LBB happy.
(Note to younger married peeps everywhere: if you got married early in life, this does not mean you are not an interesting person. For all I know, you met your soul mate in high school and still went on to all manners of interestingness that we all can only dream about.)
Of Snails and Puppy Dog Tails*
Posted by: | CommentsIt’s true that you will continue to learn about your spouse long after you’re married – sometimes for years after the wedding vows are spoken. And, how you find out these new things about your partner can be quite an adventure.
For instance, I believe how they handle international travel speaks volumes to how they handle life. I understand building a house (or other home renovation) has erected and dismantled many marriages. (And, God willing, I’ll find out one day.)
Today, I add yet another activity to the list of How to Find Out All Kinds Of Things –and Quickly — About Your Spouse That You Didn’t Know: puppy-sitting.
I have made no secret of my pet lust. Some women’s biological clocks cry out for a baby. Mine? It whispers, puppy. In fact, it’s part of Husband’s and my marriage contract. No more new kids. So, we get to foster animals instead.
However, Husband remains firmon the timing. No animals until our house is built. (And, thanks to the lax CEOs of several financial institutions across the U.S. — who, by the way probably own three houses, each, themselves — that’s not happening anytime soon for us.)
Husband and I have very different ideas about pets, too. Husband believes all animals should:
- Stay outside, for the most part,
- Never get on the furniture,
- Be avoided altogether if they shed,
- Be independent, entertaining themselves for hours on end, and
- Never, ever get in bed with you.
I, on the other hand, believe why have an animal if you aren’t going to live with it? I mean really live with it.
Fortunately for us, we have friend with pets. And, for the last two weeks, we had been puppy sitting a 20 week-old, Cavalier King Charles spaniel named Chloe. (Or Princess Chloe, if you ask her.) Husband had hoped this would cure me of my desire for a dog. Puppies require all manners of care and attention. He thought it would put me over the edge. But, I ask you, could such a face like this put anyone over the edge?
Husband made sure I knew, when she first arrived, that puppy duty was all mine. But, years ago my friend Y told me don’t listen to what men say, rather watch what they do. That’s where you’ll find the truth. If our puppy-sitting is any indicator of that truism, I don’t know what is.
First, within the first 48 hours of our Chloe-sitting stint, she had claimed her favorite spot: Husband’s lap. Then, one day I called from work to ask about Chloe (Husband stayed home that day). He said, she’s fine. She’s sitting right here.
Where?
On my lap.
Though we had a few long nights of taking Princess Chloe out to “widdle” – even sometimes in the middle of a snow storm – she was tons of fun. She would regal us with her tricks (zooming around and around our couch with toys in her mouth, for one) and giving lots of puppy kisses.
Husband soon was playing with Chloe every night, taking her for long walks, and even giving her a bath after one particularly long and wet romp through our 30 inches of recent snowfall. (Wet snow + puppy fur = a rather distinct smell.) By the end of our two weeks he was even getting up in the middle of the night to take her out, though he swore that was going to be my job.
In essence, very quickly, Husband was putty in the paws of said puppy.
(The man with his remote and Chloe. What more could someone ask for?)
On the last morning before we were to hand her over to her rightful minions owners, without provocation, Husband got the sleepy puppy out of her crate and brought her to bed. She is a real cuddler and snoozed away with us for a few more hours, alternatively resting her head on me or Husband. Interestingly, Husband kept trying to get her to stay on his side of the bed. But, she’s an equal opportunity snuggler. I got my share of nose-nudging.
George M. Schulz was right: Happiness is a warm puppy. But, it’s also Husbands who understand, even if it isn’t always spoken outloud.
(*Note: Title of blog post is from the poem, What Are Little Boys Made Of?)
Quote of the Week: Love First
Posted by: | CommentsHappy Valentine’s Day Everyone! Tell someone today that you love them. It makes all the difference in the world to hear it spoken out loud.
Quote of the Week: Everybody forgets the basic thing; people are not going to love you unless you love them. ~ Pat Carroll
Poll: Give Me Your Body Or At Least A Part Of It
Posted by: | CommentsI have been fruitlessly searching for a piece of research I read once (about 15 years ago) that states when you break up with someone and miss them, it’s not necessarily that your miss the person. But, rather you miss their body. You are used to having regularly snuggle and cuddle time. And, when you break up, you go through body withdrawal.
A girlfriend of mine – during a long spell of no-dating – once said to me about her longing for someone, “I just want to bury my face in a guy’s neck.”
I understand this desire. I have this regularly. Oh, about every other day.
I turn to husband and bury my face under his chin. His reply usually is What. Are. You. DOING?
It’s neck time, I reply, batting my eyelashes.
As you can guess, he takes this as a much larger overture than I mean for it to be. I sincerely just want my face in his neck. He wants my face, well, elsewhere.
So, want to take our poll?
What body part, of your significant other, lover, partner, husband or wife, would you miss the most if it was no longer available to you? No sex organs, please. We’re “PG-ing” it here.
