OTT: Kitchen Upgrades and Acts of Love
By · CommentsAs most of you know by now, Husband and I are on a quest to make our townhouse – once considered our “temporary abode” but which has evolved into just our “long-time abode” thanks to Wall Street’s recent shenanigans– liveable. Well, the saga continues.
We’ve installed a new patio with new outdoor furniture, completed major reorganization of our garage, repainted just about everything, and invested in our own professional carpet steam cleaner. But, this summer? Well, we’ve embarked on a kitchen renovation.
The experts say that three things test a marriage the most – finances, sex and home renovation.
They were right.
But, it was worth it.
We went from this:
To this:
In just under two weeks. And, this is because Husband loves me more than he hates home renovation.
I am a huge proponent of the theories espoused by the book, The Five Languages of Love by Gary Chapman. In this book, you will discover your “love language” – those things your partner does that you make you feel loved. You also will be given insight into your partner’s love language (if you are reading it right). As the author points out, frequently, your love language and your spouse’s are often very different. And, this is where the trouble begins. But, if you know what your partner’s love language is, all can be better.
Thanks to this book, I now know that when I go flying with Husband in his tuna fish can Cessna 152 it speaks love to him. In fact, it is equal to him giving me diamonds. And, he now knows that if he would only whisper sweet nothings in my ear while kissing my neck, he basically could own me (or, for that matter, anyone else who does could, too). Simply put, our love languages are dead opposite. But, other than wishing he (or I) would express themselves differently, just knowing the other person’s love language can be helpful, too.
So, note to all singles everywhere: “buyer beware” when ordering a spouse. Make sure they understand your love language, and understand it early. Then, you can do what I did. For three days. Standing in the middle of a completely torn apart kitchen with no water. You get to see this is how Husband says “I love you.”
Husband should have been packing for a 10 day camping trip to Wisconsin to go to one of his favorite places in the world – the EAA’s Air Venture show (10,000 airplanes, more than 500,000 aviation enthusiasts). Rather, he spent two weeks – literally up to the day he left – making sure I had this:
Instead of this:
Whoever inherits this townhouse will not only get a castle, but maybe, just maybe, they will see the acts of love behind the granite.
Quote of the Week: Love Yourself
By · CommentsYou, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire Universe, deserve your love and affection. ~Buddha
Four Ways LBBs are Different From Young Marrieds. Truly.
By · CommentsI have recently encountered a spate of people who have been arguing with me. But, only about one topic. They don’t believe getting married for the first time over age 40 is any different than getting married young. So, I must defend the LBB territory.
Ways in which LBBs are different from Younger Married Women (YMW):
- To have (our own) children or not to have (our own) children. Unless we are able to pull off a medical miracle, this one has pretty much been decided for us. I know someone will comment that they were over 40 and gave birth to a beautiful baby, effortlessly. But, my lovely, you are the extreme exception. Ask any medical professional and they will tell you the same thing. If you are over 40, you’re done. So, we either already have them or aren’t going to have them (or will adopt). You youngins’, for the most part, still have options before you (and internal debating to do).
- The merging of stuff. I don’t care if you were born rich and have an entirely furnished apartment by the time you are 23. You still will never have as much stuff as we do. We have simply been on the planet longer. This means we have more personal momentos, more experiences, more people, and just plain more things than anyone under 30. And, merging all this with another is why HGTV has entire shows dedicated to cleaning out the clutter, merging spaces, and his and her design interventions. Someone’s got to keep that channel in business.
- Sense of Self. Everyone continues to evolve as they grow older, But, well, some things have been established by the time you are 40. We know who we are. And, quite frankly, if we change it’s because we want to. When you are 28, you are going to change even when you don’t want to. You have experiences ahead of you that you won’t quite know what to do with. They will impact you in a way that would not impact someone who has lived for two decades as an adult. We LBBs think we know ourselves to the level that we don’t believe we’ll change much. (Note to me: You’ve still got some evolving to do, so don’t get too comfy. You just don’t realize it.) This difference lies in our opinions about ourselves.
- Our sense of compromise may be skewed. We can’t tell (well) when compromising is, well, compromising over betraying ourselves. LBBs have been so used to doing it our way for so long, that when asked to do something differently, well, sometimes we don’t know what to do with it. Younger people seem to be more malleable. They appear more amenable to compromise. Or, in other words, they don’t feel betrayed when asked to give up their Saturdays for soccer games over shopping just because their guy just wants them there. Sitting on the couch. Doing nothing. With them cheering on Germany over Argentina. LBBs? Well, let’s just say we can’t quite figure out why it is such a big deal for us to go shopping over viewing Husband yelling at the referee for the “incredibly bad call.”
There’s more. But, that should stop the debate over whether there differences at all. There are.
Quote of the Week: Joy of Late Love
By · CommentsThis week’s quote was blatantly stolen off friend, Laurie’s, Facebook page. And, if you haven’t read her interview about getting married later in life, take a look.
The joy of late love is like green firewood when set aflame, for the longer the wait in lighting, the greater heat it yields and the longer its force lasts. ~Chretien de Troyes
LBB Interview: Work on Self First
By · CommentsAnyone who says online dating is for the birds, should really rethink that stance. I know several people who have found their mates online. And, Laurie is one of them. In fact, she’ll tell you that just in her book club alone, she is the fourth person to meet her husband on Match.com.
Laurie got married for the first time this spring after meeting her guy online two years ago. A widower — with two teenage girls to raise — didn’t stop him from acting on a good thing when he clicked on her profile. Laurie said they “met” near Thanksgiving just under two years ago, got engaged within eight months, and married this past April.
“From our first interaction it just felt different. I dated for decades. I was always dating with that glimmer of hope that something would be different and would click,” she said. “But, it just didn’t until I met my husband.”
But, she also is quick to point out that she did a lot of internal personal work in the previous few years. “I have to say I connected more with my higher power.” Laurie also states that she did not work on herself for the end goal of meeting someone, “but rather just for me,” she said. But, that was how she was now able to be in a healthy relationship.
“Prior to that it was just one unhealthy relationship after another. I felt I had little confidence in myself. And, I attracted what I felt,” she said.
Laurie said that ten years ago she wouldn’t have looked at him twice. He is from Midwest, an eagle scout, a nice normal guy, she says. “He wouldn’t have been appealing to me.” Surprise!
Read on to hear more about Laurie’s story.
The LBB: Laurie, communications professional, age 47, married for the first time this past spring
LBB: So, what ultimately attracted you?
Laurie: Before we physically met, I could tell from his first e-mail that he was different. His grammar was correct. He had a good command of the English language. When we started talking, at that time, it was just before Thanksgiving. My uncle in North Caroline had a stroke. So my father and I had gone down to see him. I remember talking to my-now-husband [[name removed to protect the Internet shy]] before we left. When I got back to my hotel room that first day, he had sent me a message, saying in case I wanted to talk I should call him (even late at night). This man is not a night owl, either. So, I knew this was different.
LBB: What do you find the most surprising about marriage?
Laurie: The comfort from knowing that person is there for me, no matter what. We can have a day where we are both highly annoyed, but he comes back to me regardless. You know that fear when you are dating that you can’t be completely yourself because you’ll turn the other person off? Well, being married, it’s part of the package and it balances out. He says all the time, I’m here for you, no matter what. I don’t have to be completely self sufficient every moment of every day. I can let go and share my vulnerabilities and he’s got my back.
Also, she added she was worried about melding her life after being on my own for so long.
“Physically being in the house with other people is hard. He has two teenage girls, and I found myself suddenly part of a family. But I thought I would be set in my ways. I think now that I’m older, I’m much more willing to let things go, which before would have been irritating to me.
LBB: What do you miss the most about single life?
Laurie: Coming into my house and being able to decompress without anyone there to engage with.
LBB: Do you have any advice for the over 40 woman seeking love and marriage?
Laurie: Put yourself out there, but have no expectations. Let things happen. Don’t force it. And, work on yourself, work on yourself, work on yourself. And, don’t just let it be about doing things in order to meet someone. If you are desperate and you just want to be with someone, you won’t get the long-lasting, soul-comforting type of relationship.
LBB: What did your family say when you got married older?
Laurie: They were over-the-moon happy. My husband is such a wonderful man. They were worried I might screw it up! They love him. And, because he was happily married for more than 22 years, he can guide me in a fulfilling marriage. It’s different to be in a relationship with someone who already was in a happy, long-lasting relationship.
LBB: One word you would use to describe marriage?
Laurie: Comforting.
1. It’s about time. (Just thought I’d get that one out of the way, right away.)
2. Well, we never thought you’d take the plunge.
3. He must be some special perfect man (read: to put up with your stubborn self) to have won you (read: because you’re so picky).
4. What changed your mind about marriage? (Note to everyone everywhere: it’s not that we didn’t WANT marriage, it’s that we waited for the RIGHT person.)
5. We were wondering if you liked men.
6. I guess we can’t call you spinster anymore. Yuk-yuk.
7. We have to meet this guy!
8. So, I guess he doesn’t want children, huh? (Thanks for pointing out that I’m shrivelling up before your very eyes.)
9. Thank goodness he has already (or insert: does not want) children. What would you have done? (Is my crone-hood that obvious?)
10. Why bother now? (Because, really, if we aren’t going to breed, what’s the point, right?)
11. Oh, your wedding is on Labor Day Weekend? Sorry, we already have plans (a year from now). But, it won’t be that big of a wedding anyway, right?
12. No, I’m not wearing that color in your wedding. (Okay, you can wear the dress you made me wear in your wedding.)
13. White, huh?
Quote the Week: Cost of Love
By · CommentsLoving can cost a lot but not loving always costs more, and those who fear to love often find that want of love is an emptiness that robs the joy from life. ~Merle Shan
Place Foot In Mouth
By · CommentsThis past weekend, as Sister and I were lounging in my mom’s pool, the subject of her upcoming (second) marriage came up. The dialogue went like this:
Sister: Well, since this is the second time, we’ve been talking about eloping.
Me: Yeah, that’s a great idea. I’d do it. The second time — just elope. I’ve already had the wedding.
Husband, overhearing from his lounger poolside: So glad you have a plan for your next husband.
Oops.
At least he laughed.
Poll: Topics Never to Discuss Outside Your Marriage
By · CommentsI could have gone my whole life not knowing a single thing about Al Gore’s sex life. But, the news media has decided to start covering the intimate details of the Gore marriage, including what he was doing outside of it. There are just some topics not worth discussing.
Speaking of which, I’ve been told there are some topics you should never talk about outside your marriage. So, what say you? Can you sense a poll coming?
Study Shows Divorce is Infectious
By · CommentsRoyalty all around us is taking the marital plunge. Princess Victoria of Sweden recently wed her former-fitness-trainer boyfriend. (You just have to love the Swede’s nature of equality.). Prince Albert of Monaco announced he’s getting married. And, of course, the speculation around Prince William of England getting engaged to Kate Middleton continues at a fever pitch. Will he pop the question soon? I mean it’s been nine years already.
At the same time, Husband and I been having a similar bout of marital changes in our sphere, but mostly around break ups.
Divorce is hard no matter which way you cut it. I haven’t gone through one myself, but Husband has. So, have my parents (more than once). And, many friends are now grappling with that decision. In our life, we’ve had several couples in our midst break up in the last year or so.
We are also about to experience two re-marriages, which has been most heartening. Both of these friends were over 40 and found, what they call, “true loves” after suffering too many years through unsatisfying relationships. So, for anyone believing love has passed them by take heart. In the words of my mother who found marital bliss after age 60 – it ain’t over ‘til its over.
As a relatively newcomer to marriage, albeit later in life, I have mixed feelings about these changes. I find these breakups – even the ones that are being reborn in the form of new and better relationships — both distressing and heartening.
First, we all want our friends and family to be happy. If something is not making you happy, then go forth and change something.
But, we also like it when the band decides to stay together. We form friendships with each other that include spouses and partners. When it changes as drastic as divorce demands, it changes the touring schedule (if you know what I mean). Who do you invite to what? Where is the couple in the breakup curve (talking, not talking, awkward, angry, settled?) How do we console them? What do you say that will not sound like a bumpersticker? Can we invite the “ex” when they might run into the “new one?”
Recent research shows that divorce is actually contagious. Another unsettling fact. When it comes to divorce, according to the study, friends have even more influence than siblings. The study goes on to report that people who had a divorced friend were 147 percent more likely to be divorced than people whose friends’ marriages were intact.
Thankfully, Husband and I never really fit into statistics, the usual molds, and patterns. We actually feel more committed than ever. But, it reminds us to stay vigilant. Stay the course – our course. A good reminder for all – your marriage is your own. Keep it that way. Prince William obviously has.
