Archive for Books
Singles Take Note: The Soulmate Secret
Posted by: | Comments“Somewhere someone is looking for exactly what you have to offer.” – Louise Hay
Quite frequently I get asked about finding a partner – from where to meet men or women to how to get them to commit. (And, yes, the words “land,” “reeling” and “catching” are used often.)
From now on I am sending people to the book, The Soulmate Secret, by Arielle Ford.
This book reminded me of a belief I had adopted just before I met Husband: You already have the love of The One, your soulmate, the perfect him or her. You just now have to meet them. Pretty good start, huh?
What I really loved about this book is the myriad of things to do. It isn’t just one long string of testimonials about how someone “thought into existence” their soulmate (though your thoughts count – a lot). Rather, as one of the quotes in the book says, you must learn to pray with your feet. The Soulmate Secret helps you do just that. If I were single I would do every single one of the things the author suggests.
(Oh, and she has a wonderful Web site to check out, too.)
So, if you are single, go forth and meet!
Sex.
Posted by: | CommentsThings that arrive in my inbox have no rhyme or reason. This month must be sex month, given what’s shown up. So I’m giving you all the goods. At once. (Writing about sex isn’t nearly as much fun as having it, so you get this one post, K?)
Many lists exist about what creates a long-standing marriage. I like this idea – four simple steps. Guess what number four is? Cultivate a healthy passion. Nice way to put it. Proactive. Succinct. Rich-sounding.
Cultivate = You have to nurture it. It doesn’t just happen.
Healthy = That means not hurtful, manipulative or harmful to psyche or body.
Passion = This speaks to being energetic and enthusiastic.
But, sometimes you need a little help in those areas. So below are some resources to help get you started (or keep going)
- Benchmarking Help. Wonder if you are getting more or less than others? God Bless America. Now, who’s getting laid? All charts and graphs for easy understanding. But, if 42 percent of the men report having sex on the first date and just 17 percent of the women report doing the same, how does that work exactly?
- Aging Help. Feeling a little old for all this in this department? Tips to maintain a healthy sex life later in life provides some sound advice. “Expanding your idea of sex” was one good thought.
- Seduction Help. Want to add a little spice? But, your significant other needs a little, well, help? As in, specific help? 101 Nights of Grrrrreat Sex. This book is incredible. 101 sealed pages. Half are for her and half are for him. If you open one, you are committing yourself to the seduction instructions inside. (You don’t show your partner the “assignment.” You just do it.) Terrific for getting men to think “outside the box” but in ways we females wish they would. And, Husband reports they got it right on the male side, too.
Book Recommendation Part Two: Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert
Posted by: | CommentsI wrote earlier I’d have to discuss this book in parts (part one), but I didn’t realize it would take me this long. It’s just that after getting half way through this book I needed to do something. I realized by page 201, I needed my mother.
One of my favorite parts of Gilbert’s book is where she recounts her conversations with her own mother. At that point, I simply had to stop reading to talk to my own mom about her experiences. I never outright asked my own mother about her thoughts on the subject at hand. Pieces of advice would float between us, but I never really asked the question: What is it about marriage that you like so much? I mean, my mother is the most optimistic person I know around this institution.
(She is now married to her fourth husband, “the one” who had not been married before. She lovingly describes their situation as, I am the first wife of my fourth husband. My mother has a great sense of humor.)
Also, I believed she would have lots to say because she went through some of the most tumultuous times around marriage – the 1970s. And, things were vastly different in that decade compared to today.
My mom grew up with the 1950s decree: Marry. And, soon. Additionally, her father would write “MM” at the bottom of his letters to her in college. The “MM” stood for Marry Money. This was typical when growing up in the 1950s.
Instead, she married for love, at the ripe old age of 20, to a college professor with whom she had three children (myself included) through the 1960s while the hippies raged war on convention. The 1970s and 1980s brought the women’s movement, her own divorce and remarriage. I suspected she has much to say about how one should, can or might view marriage. She did.
First, I learned my mother was sold on the idea – as so many baby boomer women were – that your marriage would be the single most important thing in your life. That is the first myth that gets busted, said mom. But you do learn, she says, that it’s a game – it has rules, obstacles and if you are lucky and work on it – rewards. When people break the rules, marriage is the saddest place to be. But, when the rules are adhered to – it’s the happiest.
I asked about what she gave up, being married. (As an LBB, I simply had to believe there were moments of her wishing she was single in there.) She said there were times she would have done things differently, if single. But, overall, she had no regrets. Being married so young she never had the luxury of setting her own agenda without having to take account of someone else. Women who get married in life, however, need to learn how to take into account another’s wishes and desires at a level they have never experienced before. I asked mom how she did it. I mean, didn’t she just want to bust out sometimes? Yes, she did. But, she still loved being married. She said “the title of that book – Committed – that’s what it’s all about.”
In the end, I concluded much of what Gilbert did. There are no conclusions. It’s a messy business, this marriage stuff. There will come a time in every woman’s life, where she will need to make peace with her choices – to marry, to not marry, to marry later, or not at all. And, having mixed feelings about your choices is not only natural, it should be expected.
And, everyone’s reasons for coupling are different. One of my friend’s favorite quotes is Nobody knows what passes between two people…nobody. And, that may be just it. It’s different for everyone – the rules, the obstacles, the work, the prizes.
As Gilbert says, “every couple in the world has the potential over time to become a small and isolated nation of two – creating their own culture their own language, and their own moral code, to which nobody else can be privy.”
There is so much more I could say about Committed. But, I won’t ruin it for you. Rather, if you are a woman who has married after age 40, read this book, cover to cover. In order. The last 30 pages or so were important for me. But, I’m sure I wouldn’t have gotten it by skipping ahead.
Happy Reading!
Book Recommendation, Part I: Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert
Posted by: | CommentsRecently someone said to me, you’re awfully obsessed with your marital status. Well, if you read this blog, I am sure it seems that way.
The truth is I am involved in a lot of different things. But, they aren’t nearly as interesting to blog about.
In truth, this commentator was partly right. I am paying attention to my relationship with Husband. I am trying to be a mindful wife. (Please forgive the awful pop reference. I know it’s bad.) But, I want to be good at marriage. I want Husband to be good at it, too (not that he isn’t).
This may be why I read so many books on the subject.
A few books I’ve read, I was sad to see end. Love in the Time of Cholera 
Gilbert’s latest book, Committed, is turning out that way, too.
First – just to get it out of the way — if you are interested in relationships, you must buy this book. By page ten, I read some things I hadn’t heard before. That’s reason enough in my book (bad pun).
I am just 103 pages into Committed (182 pages to go). By page five, I wanted to put it down and start blogging about how it was affecting me and my perspective as a later-in-life married person.
By the first 100 pages or so, Gilbert has explained the premise of the book: she and her partner, Felipe, were “forced” to get married due to his visa status. Thanks to increasing homeland security, he could not (at the point in time she is referencing) enter the U.S. again until he was married to an American. Given that they both had devastating divorces in their past, they were loathe to tie the knot again with anyone. They had promised everlasting, unmarried love prior to the run in with our border officials. But, as she writes, they loved each other enough to get married to each other so they could live together.
But, she knew that promising to marry him so they could stay together would not be enough to keep the past marital demons at bay. This book is really about her journey to make peace with the institution of marriage.
Amen, sister. I wish I had your book five years ago.
Gilbert’s ruminations on marriage and its expectations fascinated me. I ended up underlining so many parts – and even reading parts aloud to Husband (much to his chagrin) – I knew I was going to have to blog about this book in pieces. Hence, my stopping at page 103 to ruminate.
We all know that romantic love is a universal human experience. Yet, we mess it up so often. Heaven help us.
Turns out, though, Heaven wasn’t in the picture in early days.
Gilbert writes that in early Christianity, marriage wasn’t considered particularly divine. Christian leaders found marriage to involve sex, and that just wouldn’t do. She then goes on to write about how much marriage has changed in the last few millennia – its acceptance, its place in religion, its importance to society and the changes around who you are allowed to marry (from race to sexual preference). And, this malleability is key to How We Might Have Gotten Here To Today’s Marriage State.
I admit I have a special place in my heart for this malleability. For one, the fact I got married for the first time at age 42 no longer made me a spinster who finally made good (as it would have been labeled a hundred years ago). Rather, I now am considered an independent woman who is simply called a late bloomer when it comes to romantic union. A much nicer label, don’t you think?
But, then, perhaps we LBBs are really less strange and less special than we think. Perhaps we are just one subgroup in Today’s Marriage State, which is ever evolving and changing rapidly in today’s world.
Certain changes have reminded me that the relationship challenges I face, are child’s play. I could have been forced to marry a cousin to keep the family jewels in the fold, like so many women were forced to do 400 years ago.
Today’s ability to follow one’s heart instead is the norm. Often that doesn’t even include marriage. In Sweden, for instance, marriage is a diminishing trend. Today, I could even marry a woman. Gay marriage – unthinkable 100 years ago – is gaining rising acceptance. And interracial marriage – also a point of angst among conservatives just a mere 40 years ago, is no biggie today.
Regardless of its form, coupling is here to stay. But, apparently, we aren’t any better at it today, than we were 1,000 years ago. The reasons for it – and the rules — have just changed.
Gilbert talks about infatuation a lot in the first 100 pages – how some of us (her past self included) chose love impetuously, based on chemistry, lust and desires. Oh, yeah, like I don’t know that one.
It made me think, perhaps we LBBs really are recovering infatuation addicts. Maybe those of us who married later in life just finally woke up and made a decision on a mate based on something we hadn’t thought of before – stop making chemistry everything and start seeing a real person. Maybe, just maybe, we broke an infatuation cycle.
(I say this because, if I’m really honest and think about it hard enough, I know now that Husband didn’t deserve the 25 year old me. He deserved someone better, and I needed to grow up before he could even recognize me as mate material. So, there may be truth to this infatuation cycle.)
Gilbert also writes much about expectations we have of our mate once together – with or without the infatuation part. And, how that may be the enemy of our happiness. Just like what This Emotional Life said, perhaps we are asking too much of the marriage institution.
How did it go from protecting family assets (marrying cousins) to “you must complete me?”
Well, she follows the trail.
Gilbert muses, while we are now free to follow our heart’s yearnings to marry a soulmate (and all that implies), we actually have become a slave to finding that perfect one.
Maybe that’s why we LBBs sometimes struggle with merging. We waited a long time, and our expectations are high. When our spouse reveals his humanity, we aren’t always so glad to see it.
Gilbert also discusses the flip side of being able to choose someone your heart said “this is the one.” The ability to get in and out, at a whim. Having so much choice about who, where, when and how you may marry means you are free to seek out a soulmate — and when they turn out to be “just human,” well, next! That can be some heady stuff. The urge to run for the hills is strong, given how the media portrays “perfect love.”
I am eager to now read page 104. So, I’ll get back to you. I really need to finish this book.
A Late Bloomer Bride Preview for January and Beyond
Posted by: | CommentsIt is ten days into the new year and already I’m behind. Pining for a day where I can do nothing but read and write, I decided to get organized and assess all the good stuff that has come this way recently to blog about. (As if getting organized means I’m being productive somehow.)
Wow.
“Taking stock” produced a long list.
Consider this post a Late Bloomer Bride preview.
For one, I have been completely sucked into PBS’s recent special on “This Emotional Life.” It is the coolest show, which I hope doesn’t sound resoundingly un-cool to say. The show is all about how our emotions shape us and our lives – particularly our level of happiness. In coming days, I’m going to address some of the theories, scientific research, and postulates formed by the show’s researchers, host and guests and run them through a late bloomer bride perspective. They talk about love and romance a lot, so it begs for LBB consideration.
On top of that my nightstand is groaning under no less than 20 half-read books. Warren Zevon said, “We buy books under the mistaken assumption that we’re also buying time to read them. Guilty. I am officially on amazon.com restriction. (Darn. ‘Cause I have my eye on about five Swedish interior design books.)
So, expect some notes and recommendations from the book shelf:
- Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage by Elizabeth Gilbert. This book was written for me. Not really, but it seems that way.
- The Soulmate Secret: Manifest the Love of your Life with the Law of Attraction by Arielle Ford. If you are single and wish you weren’t, leave this post right now and go to her site.
- A Year in the World: Journeys of a Passionate Traveler by Frances Mayes. Because I really wish right now I was in Madrid and not freezing my booty off in Virginia. And, how you travel together counts.
- The Elegant Universe: Superstrings, Hidden Dimensions, and the Quest for the Ultimate Theory by Brian Greene. Understanding quantum physics is good for relationships.
- The Age of Miracles: Embracing the New Midlife by Marianne Williamson. I’m still not buying it, and something tells me I need to in order to have a healthy relationship.
- The Emotional Energy Factors: The Secrets High Energy People Use to Beat Emotional Fatigue by Mira Kirshenbaum. Those of us converted from long-time singlehood to marriage could use this kind of help.
- Women & Love: Finding True Love While Staying True to Yourself; the 8 Make-or-Break Experiences in Women’s Lives by Mira Kirshenbaum. Yes, I am a groupie.
- The Power of Empathy: You Can Really Connect With Him by A.R. Maslow, Ph.D. I don’t read as much self-help as it seems. Really.
- A slew of books on Scandinavia to prepare myself for the Great Vacation Trek Across the Ocean in 2011 to the land of my peeps.
- And, a couple of design books in a futile attempt to inch Husband and I closer to new-house-design compromise. Year four and we’re still musing.
Add to the pile some rather interesting developments among family and friends (don’t worry folks, no one will be “outed”), a long list of other blogs you really should be reading, and a few other surprise musings in the works, and you could say I have enough material to get us through at least winter. New year here we come!
The Year of Fun. So Be It.
Posted by: | CommentsWe’ve all read the myriad of advice columns, blog posts and articles about how New Year’s resolutions really don’t work. They are either too big or too vague or too something. They usually just set you up for more unhappiness. So, I swore of New Year’s resolutions years ago. However, being the self-help junkie that I am, I have not, however, sworn off good ideas that, in my gut, feel like they would bring progress.
A few days ago, Sister announced on her blog that she and her Husband have a New Year tradition in which they “name” their year. One year was the “Year of Travel,” in which they ended up taking 10 trips. (The fact they live in Europe tells me these trips also were not jaunts to the local park, either.) This past year was the “Year of the Book,” as Sister was writing and promoting her book, the Power of Slow. This year will be the “Year of Beauty” – surrounding themselves with beautiful things, beautiful people, beautiful experiences. (At this point in her blog post, I was thinking about how I could pull a Freaky Friday and adopt her life.)
So, not one to let a good idea go unstolen, I asked Husband If we could do the same. Not telling him my thoughts around a potential theme, I simply asked, what would you like to do more of in 2010? What would you like to dedicate the year to being?
I was particularly enthralled to hear his answer. This was because, to add to this idea of declaring how you might set yourself on a desired course, I also discovered a book last summer, The Gift of a Year: How to Achieve the Most Meaningful, Satisfying and Pleasureable Year of Your Life” by Mira Kirschenbaum. In this book, she walks you through the steps to identify what you’ve always wanted (or perhaps just need) and coaches you to take a year for yourself to finally just go do it, get it, have it, and/or be it. I was so enthralled with this book that I gave out 25 copies this year to friends at Christmastime.
So what would 2010 be about, Husband? He answered, I want to have more fun around work.
Wowsa. Over the past summer, The Gift of a Year showed me that what I really wanted – what I really needed – was more fun. I declared months ago that I would take a year to discover what brings joy to my life. I mean honest to goodness bliss. Because, I had no idea. Really.
And, here Husband’s thinking was on a similar path (even if it was attached to work). Clearly, a theme has been resonating in our life. And, thanks to this idea (or set of ideas), 2010 will be more fun. Because, isn’t it already better when you and your spouse have a common goal? Let the games begin.
What will your year be about?
Book: How To Meet A Man After Forty
Posted by: | CommentsIn keeping with this week’s theme – how to meet Mr. Right (not Mr. Perfect) — here’s a book recommendation for you. If you are a woman over age 40 and are interested in attracting a man (or men), you must read “How To Meet A Man After Forty (and other midlife dilemmas solved).”
I liked this book from the Preface. The writer, Shane Watson, provides really good advice, all wrapped up in fun and flirty stories, anecdotes and recommendations, when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex. And, no, it isn’t because by page 27 she’s talking about shopping (though I loved that part).
Whether you are married or not, this book offers some really practical advice for the, ahem, older woman. As I read, I found myself nodding my head, laughing, at a lot of what she preaches — from “know what looks good on you and not just what you want to look good on you” to how to talk to a man.
Know ahead of time that a lot of this is stuff your mother told you but you swore couldn’t be right. And, your feminist side will crucify me later. That’s okay. Cuz, guess what? A spot check with Husband and several other men friends say Watson knows of what she speaks writes.
So, take her advice or not. (You’ll probably have fun reading her stuff anyway.) Don’t worry. The author doesn’t tell you to act dumb or wear mini skirts. In fact, get ready to donate your old leather mini to Goodwill after this book.
Oh, and when Husband saw the book I was reading, he wondered out loud if I was researching for his replacement. No, silly, don’t you want me to continue to try to attract you? I answered. He liked that. Feel free to steal it when you announce to your Husband why you are glued to her pages.
Happy Reading!
Famous LBBs: I Suspect Julia Child Could Have Taught Us a Thing or Two
Posted by: | CommentsJulia Child was a Late Bloomer Bride! Okay, well, she was “just” over 35 when she got married. (And, LBBs these days are over 40.) But, in the 1940s, nothing spoke “spinster” more than turning 30 and not being married yet. So, she qualifies in my book.
Last night, I (finally) saw the movie Julie and Julia. (The book is better, though I could have watched Meryl Streep portray Julia Child for hours more.) The story is about a woman who takes a year to cook all 542 recipes in Julia Child’s Mastering the Art of French Cooking cook book and blogs about it. Yes, this included creamy sauces, aspic (ick), de-boning a full duck, and killing off a few lobsters. Oh, and butter. Lots of butter.
Movies rarely depict a person accurately. But, if this movie got even 25 percent right about Julia Child, I would have wanted to be her friend. She was tenacious (writing Mastering the Art of French Cooking took eight years), independent but fiercely dedicated to her husband (and him, to her), and full of life. She thought the French were the friendliest people she’d met – thanks to her own natural charm and wit. (And, she met a few – her husband dragged her from Paris to Oslo during their marriage.) She also managed to beautifully balance her own gig with supporting her husband. A true LBB feat, given it takes some time to learn that “compromise thang.”
So, today, I dedicate to Julia Child – a Late Bloomer Bride who would have probably had some very, very good advice on being married later in life. Cheers to Julia! Or is that, Bon Appetit?
Book Recommendation: The Five Love Languages
Posted by: | CommentsIf you are looking for a good book about how to better love someone (and how to be loved better), then look no further than The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. A wonderfully simple premise — that we tend to express our love to our partners the way we want their love to be expressed to us – this book will help you better understand yourself and what makes your partner feel your love.
The five languages include:
• Words of Affirmation
• Quality Time
• Receiving Gifts
• Acts of Service
• Physical Touch
The book is short. And, there is a survey at the end (separate ones for husbands and wives) that will help you determine your love style. (I was evenly split on two and barely registered on the other three. Lucky Husband, huh?)
It provides rather direct recommendations on how to immediately begin expressing your love to your mate, better. Or, at least in the way they can feel it. I highly recommend having the knowledge contained in this book’s pages. It’s already making a difference for me.
Book: Growing a Great Marriage
Posted by: | CommentsHere is a fun article, “How to Grow a Great Marriage,” which is basically a book review of Growing Great Marriages, by relationships expert and author Ian Grant who wrote it with his wife, Mary. I normally avoid books that are self-help in nature (notwithstanding the books I recommend on this blog), as they tend to be platitude upon platitude. But, I found the article entertaining with some interesting tid-bits.
For one, the Grant says people may be getting married younger, which is not a bad thing. Apparently he believes, “The longer you live independently, it’s sometimes difficult to be inter- dependent.” You think? Wink.
But, that wasn’t the part that got me. I like the fact he said marriage is coming back into fashion. “Great marriage,” he says, “is the black of fashion.” (And, any man who can talk fashion gets my ear.)
He also gives ten top tips for a tip-top marriage. Most of them are common sense, but I kinda liked this one: Women are significant in the first half of a marriage and successful in the second. Men are successful in the first half and significant in the second. Listen to each other.
Check out the article. See if you agree with some of the things talked about. And, let me know if you find the book. I couldn’t find it on Amazon.com. (Amazingly.) But, I did find it listed, via a Google search, on some Australian and New Zealand Web sites. Is that a long way to go for advice?
