In case you haven’t been one of the millions of women who have read it, just know that you’re going to need to “let go” about the writing. Those of you have read it know of what I write. I almost didn’t make it past chapter three. But, let yourself take a ride on the decadent wave. You just may find yourself like me: Unable to put it down (after chapter 3). At one point, I kept looking down at the page count to see how many pages were left and was so relieved that I had at least 500 pages to go. I now fret about there probably will be no more Christian Grey naughtiness. Life is cruel.

There is a reason why even Dr. Oz says this series could be good for marriages. Husband has never gotten so lucky. That is, until I had to leave for San Diego.

Warning! Reading these books on business trips can be dangerous. I should know, given I read books two and three on my trip to the left coast last week.

First there was the guy sitting next to me on my flight to California, who I swear was more interested in my iPad than his. But, that’s not the worst. Oh, noooo. The worst part is when you go to sit at your connecting flight gate at O’Hare to spot an incredibly young, hot, built, blonde God who sits down across from you. You swear he could be a good Christian Grey. But, then his wife shows up shattering all my day dreams.

But, wait, there’s more. Oh, how the universe likes to toy with me. He ends up sitting next to me on the plane. Well, across the aisle anyway. I tried not to stare. Then a very angry old guy announced I am actually sitting in his seat. After he makes quite a scene, yelling at both me and the poor flight attendant trying to help, I realize I mixed up my seat assignment with the gate number. Oops. I blame it on my Wishful Thinking. So I had to schlep back up to seat 8C, in front of the wannabe Christian Grey, annoying the dozens of passengers attempting to head to the back of the plane.

It was then I decided I needed to step away from my iPad for a while. Rather, I brought up iTunes. I had already downloaded Spem in Alium. It kept me going for the rest of the flight.

Now the speculation of who will play Christian in the 50 Shades of Grey movie is occupying me. I say Alexander Skarsgard. I also wonder how in-the-name-of-all-that-is-holy they are going to make a mainstream movie from this triology. There is no way they can make this NC-17. Try triple X. But, then again, that’s probably half the fun. Let the games begin.

Also, her perspective was clearly going to come from being married early – not a late bloomer bride like me. She talks of building a tribe together and how that is the bedrock that a couple stands on. As someone who married for the first time after age 40, however, Husband and I had long and established histories, where we pitched our marital tent on a mountain that was built with the help of and experiences from other partners and love interests. So, would this advice apply? (Spoiler alert – it does.)

But, I started reading anyway. Just in case it was good. I hate missing anything good.

First, know that the book is extremely well-written. That’s probably how I kept turning the page, actually. I appreciate fine writing. Hell, I kept reading Snow Flower and the Secret Fan for this very reason even after all those icky foot binding scenes that made me want to punch their mothers. But, I digress. . .

In the Secret Lives of Wives, Krasnow masterfully weaves her own marital story in and around the other women’s stories and ensuing advice and ideas to try on. Yet, she avoids the usual (and annoying) comparisons of herself to the others. But, rather just tells you what she thinks in an honest and forthright fashion about herself, her husband and the stories of the other wives’ relationships. (And there are some DOOZIES in this book. You’ll feel better about your own marriage after these. And, you will learn from them. Trust me.)

She talks about the “eggshell-thin line that separates bliss from despair in marriage.” She writes, “I know what it means to say ‘I love you’ at breakfast and mutter ‘I can’t stand you’ at dinner.”

Oh, yeah, sister.

She opens reminding us that “what draws a couple together is a spiritual mystery that only the two of them can understand. Yet, what keeps a husband and wife together is not so mysterious.”

The wives stories that she shares “racy and real, convince me that the only absolute truth about marriage is that no one knows what’s going on in an intimate relationship except the two people in it.”

Yet, there are things to learn from them. There are patterns and behaviors. She then goes on to describe them.

The only idea I just couldn’t buy was this notion of spending long periods of time apart.  Yes, this is one of the “lessons” that Krasnow believes long-term wives have learned that actually help the marriage. She does it herself, spending summers apart from her Husband. But, just as she couldn’t get into the sexual partner-sharing that one of the wives she interviewed is really into (EE-GADS), I just can’t get into this time-apart idea. I don’t trust it. That may be a failing on my part – to not trust that Husband and I would stay well connected if we took separate summer vacations (and Krasnow was talking about weeks and months, not just a few days!). But, you should read about it anyway even if I’m not ready for separate summer vacations.

I won’t give away much more. It’s an entertaining read, unlike many relationship and how-to books. But, I will tell you this: In the end, it all comes down to just staying in it. Yes, just staying married means just not going for a divorce. So many of the women told horrible tales of infidelity, boredom, selfishness, and years moments of falling out of love with their spouse. But, the main  difference is, they waited it out. They didn’t run to a divorce attorney. They simply waited and worked at it more until it turned around. That was it. That is how you stay married. You don’t divorce.

As Nike says, Just Do It.

Hard copy:

Kindle:

My favorite part was reading the real-life stories of women who did everything wrong and then finally got it right. (That would be me.) You can learn from their mistakes. While no one guarantees you’ll learn (ya know, leading a horse to water and all that), but at least you’ll gain some insight into how someone else corrected self-defeating behaviors and avoided those desperate acts we’ve all been prone to when we’ve. just. had. enough.

The book is really funny. And, I bet you’ll love hearing how the 3 authors, Ann Blumenthal Jacobs, Patricia Ryan Lampl, Tish Rabe, came to write this book. It all started with one lucky garter, passed on from woman to woman, with amazing results. You’ll just have to read it to learn more!

(Mira? I’ve decided I love this author so much we really should be on a first name basis.)

She walks readers through this thought process by taking you through the real-world love experiences that every woman should have, including how to think about them so that they are informative and not fear-inducing.

Mira contends that “61 percent of women over the age of thirty say they wish they’d fallen in love more; they wish they’d gotten involved with more guys; they wish they’d had more different experiences with love.” At the same time, she points out that we have conflicting ideas of love from the “get go,” which is brilliantly summarized as “love sucks and I want as much of it as possible.”

So, she encourages the reader to get the most from all the love experiences we do have.

Some of my favorite lines include:

“When it comes to love adventures in general, the biggest mistake is not having them. Don’t keep your heart in a box. As tender as it feels, it’s tougher than you think. And it needs the experience. So do you. But watch out. You don’t want to become a wanderer without a home.”

“Women who are successful at finding real love are like great clothes shoppers. They look past the surface. Their eyes seize on what others have overlooked. They go for fit, not flash. They go for quality, not drama.”

“..there are only two reasons why you got hurt. You got hurt because you didn’t see who that guy really was. Or you got hurt because you didn’t see who you were, how you really felt, what you really needed. Seeing clearly. Going slowly enough to make sure you see clearly. These are the secrets of safe driving. They’re the secrets of navigating the hairpin turns of love.”

“Become friends with guys. Get to know guys not as sexual partners, but as buddies. As people you like, who like you, and who hang out with you — just because you’re comfortable with one another. If you focus on friendship, love will come and it will be much easier for you to accept.”

And, finally, underscoring that you cannot settle for mediocre love:

“…fear that you won’t be loved…will push you into a relationship where you won’t feel loved.”

“There is a worse loneliness than being on your own. There’s the loneliness of being married to a stranger.”

First, Mira Kirshenbaum blogs!

How this escaped me I will never know. As most of you know I am a Mira groupie. This psychologist author (of Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay and many others)  is so smart, so well articulated, so dead-on about all things related to relationships that I am reading everything she’s ever written.

Well, get this. She (and a partner, Dr. Charles Foster) have a blog! Has for years! Obviously I have been too busy reading her books. So, here you go, enjoy the wisdom.

Check out our blog roll for other cool blogs, too. Need something funny to read? Blue Skies and Yellow Dogs will have you howling. The Lingerie Addict can actually teach you how to get yourself in (and out of ) a corset. (Hey, you don’t want him to see you getting into it  — just out of it — so you need to know how to pull those ribbons yourself.) Luvem or Leavem has fantastic dating advice. And, there’s more.

Finally, check out our music page. We’ve added some new playlists for your listening pleasure. We’ve built them to coordinate with certain stages of relationships or themes. See the title of the playlists at the top of the “boxes.”

We will now return to our regular programming of not drinking wine and ignoring those German cookies in the pantry.