Archive for Cohabitating
Marriage’s Little Secret: Time Alone and Stuck Thermostats
Posted by: | CommentsLately Husband and I have been like two high speed trains passing each other under a suburban sky. I think we saw each other sometime in early July.
First, we had the big kitchen renovation, which might as well have been a hiatus given the tip toeing we (wisely) did around one another.
Then, in late July, he was gone for almost two weeks to the big Oshkosh, Wisconsin fly-in. He returned to find me packing for New York City for my version of a fly-in – BlogHer10 (the mega female blogging event) for four days.
I got back just in time to start a week-from-hell at work. I’m working on a grant research project that has my nose either stuck in a book or pressed against a computer screen for weeks on end. (Why I thought I could run a public relations firm and conduct a project the equivalent of earning one’s PhD at the same time, I’ll never know.)
Between my travel, my work load and our renovation, I’m surprised I still have a husband.
But, here is marriage’s dirty little secret: sometimes it is good to be apart.
Husband is the sweetest. I mean, right now, he is downstairs cleaning the kitchen and loading the dishwasher. (Of course, this also may be because he believes he does it better. An idea I am willing to promote, by the way.)
But, still there is something to be said about “alone time.” Not to mention all the fun things you can do with Husband while away. Like sexting. Absence does make the heart grow fonder, not to mention all other body parts.
And, there are some things that are just plain better alone. Like full and complete control of the thermostat. I’ve written about this before (ad nauseum to some of you, I am sure). The truth is I only get real control when I travel.
The first thing I do when I enter a hotel room is open the curtains. But, that’s just so I can see the thermostat in better light. Then, I always – and I mean always —turn it down. The world and I do not see eye to eye on “room temperature.”
During my trip to New York last week, the world may have taken a stand. Well, at least the NYHilton. In fact, Husband and Hilton may have been in cahoots.
A valve inside the wall behind the thermostat thingee was stuck to “open.” This meant the control part didn’t work. This meant the A/C just stayed on and on and on and on. This meant it was 58 degrees in my room. (The engineering guy had a gizmo that told us this.)
Props go to the Hilton for sending engineering up right away, of course. They could hear the teeth shattering on the line. (The Hilton also offered to send up a heater until it could be fixed.)
It took three trips by engineering and about two days for me to feel my toes again regain full control. Of course, it was almost time to leave by then. At this point, I couldn’t wait to get back into bed with Husband for some snuggle time.
In fact I sexted him right away from the airport baggage carousel when I landed. “Where are you? Meet me in bed. I’ll be the naked blond under the covers.” Husband obeyed the sext and all was well. Well, at least for 24 hours.
The weatherman now tells us that Central Virginia is to reach at least 100 degrees, if not 105 degrees, this week.
Great.
There goes the control. And, the snuggling.
Baby Needs a New Bed
Posted by: | CommentsOkay, folks, give it up. Your preferred bed make and manufacturer, that is. Husband and I need a new bed. I’m not taking this one lying down anymore. We’re talking full-scale sleeping revolution.
We’re buying a king sized bed. The queen must abdicate. Exit. Vamoose. Sayonara sister.
I stand by my (very unscientific) research on the size. In last fall’s Late Bloomer Bride poll, the king sized bed was chosen by you as the ideal size for marital happiness. A full 40% chose the king. Just 25% of you preferred the queen size. Naturally, no one chose “full size.” (Do they even make those anymore?) A few of you selected “it depends,” citing a myriad of reasons, such as time of year (read: temperature) and how close you felt to your partner at the time.
I don’t need reasons. I need more room. And, less movement. And, the opportunity to enjoy covers that do not magically get whisked off my cold shoulders when Husband suddenly feels hot. (I trust having more room means he can whisk away and it won’t affect me over there.)
Bottom line, I am not above saying that we cannot stayed married unless we get a new bed.
So, what kind of king-sized bed should we be looking for? Yes, I’m crowdsourcing our bed purchase.
Someone recommended a tempurpedic, but I hear they are rubber and add to the “heat” factor (and not the good kind). Others swear by the Heavenly Bed, which you can buy from the Westin Hotel. I’ve heard an inflatable mattress can be quite an experience. I’ve already tried the water bed experience – talk about motion! And, then Consumer Reports keeps talking about bed construction…
I know we have to go plop our bodies onto one to really see. But unless they let us take it home for a week, I’m not sure even that will convince us. So, what say you? Which bed make do you believe is the best? I await your recommendations, credit card in hand.
(Ooo, and did you hear about the latest “boomer” study? A key finding was that a TV in the bedroom is more important than regular sex for Boomer women. Obviously, they didn’t interview me.)
Don’t Forget to Smile
Posted by: | CommentsSometimes it’s the simplest thing that can make a difference in your relationship.
One of my favorite authors, Mira Kirschenbaum, wrote in her book The Emotional Energy Factor: The Secrets High-Energy People Use to Beat Emotional Fatigue that smiling at your spouse first thing in the morning can positively set your whole day.
Made sense to me. And, in my book, anything Ms. Kirschenbaum says to do, I do.
So, I started. To smile, that is. Some days it feels like I’m just plastering a goofy grin on my face. It feels like it is literally cracking under me, because it just.doesn’t.want.to.smile. Other times, it comes quite naturally. But, regardless, I flash those teeth every a.m. (morning breath and all).
The fact I’ve kept it up for seven days now is kind of amazing. I am at my most immature in the morning. I’m grumpy. Don’t want to get up. And, heaven help the person who asks me a question before 9 a.m.
(Nothing can reveal pockets of immaturity like marriage. Well, I’ve heard parenting is like that, but I am unfamiliar with that territory. After being married, I have found that just when you think you’re grown up, you find more growing up to do.)
I’ve often told single women they possess one of life’s most powerful man-attracting tools – their smile. They should smile at every man they meet (leaving out the scary ones, of course). Funny it didn’t dawn on me that once you’re in a relationship that the same smile that attracted your spouse is the one you should continue to give every day.
And, you know what? It works. I find I’m in a better mood all around. Husband often smiles back, which is always uplifting. And, suddenly I find myself smiling more at strangers – like, all the time.
Now, as an experiment I am going to smile every time I greet Husband – first thing in the morning, when I walk back into the house after work, when he returns from taking out the garbage – an extra wide smile for that last one — etc.
It’s simple. But, effective.
OTT: Stuff, Stuff, and More Stuff
Posted by: | CommentsHusband recently went to San Francisco for a three-day conference on angel investing. Yes, he found this exciting. I was excited, too. But, for completely different reasons. Besides having the bed and the remote control all to myself for several days, it also meant I had a big chunk of time to take another giant step in Operation Townhouse Transformation (OTT).
It took me four years of marriage, but I finally got the hang of this change thing. If you want something different, you shouldn’t always wait for the other person to agree. You should just do it.
For the first three years I pretty much waited for agreement. As a long-time single person, I was used to doing things on my own time. But, when I got married, I didn’t think I got to anymore. No wonder the frustration mounted. All that waiting for agreement that was never going to happen.
But, finally, last year sometime I had the Big Ephipany. What was I waiting for? Don’t like something? Go for it.
So, we I began OTT. We I started with painting. (Goodbye red kitchen.) Then, a new terrace and new furniture.
Last week? A professional organizer. A new closet system was installed. And, then while Husband was talking about money in San Francisco last week, I was spending it. On more organization in the garage.
If you get married for the first time after age 40, expect a LOT of stuff to enter your life. All at once. In truckloads. Hence, our garage overflowing.
Before the grand reorganization.
After.
Our professional organizer said she knew it wouldn’t take too long to tackle this space after meeting me. (I secretly believe she thought this because Husband was going out of town.)
It only took two days, two full-car trips to Goodwill, 14 large garbage bags full of trash, two full-car trips to the recycling center, and a strong case of “Just Having Enough!” to make it work. I made decisions with lightening speed. Enough of the stuff.
Husband, had he been here, however, would have probably wanted to keep those strange pieces of wood that were stacked under the tool bench. After all, they were good pieces of wood! And, the old kitchen fluorescent light that no one in their right mind would put back up. Oh, and what about those boxes of old presentations about companies that even doesn’t exist anymore? And, let us not forget the sacred jars of screw, nails and unidentifiable bits of metal?
Some of it remained. But, some of it? Well, let’s just say it’s someone else’s turn to enjoy all that chaos.
We’re remodeling the kitchen next. I wonder when Husband is going out of town again…
How Marriage Affects the Pace of Your Life
Posted by: | CommentsThe slow movement is gaining speed. Christine Louise Hohlbaum has an entire blog devoted to our relationship to time and our too-often inability to make friends with it. Her Power of Slow concept does not say necessarily to live life slowly, but rather to live life mindfully. I like that concept. I’ve been trying it on for size.
Except I’ve run into one little wrinkle. I have learned that marriage can test your definition of time, mindfulness, and the nonspatial continuum like no other.
When looking up the definition of time, I found many:
- The duration of one’s life; the hours and days which a person has at his disposal.
- A proper time; a season; an opportunity.
- A nonspatial continuum in which events occur in apparently irreversible succession from the past through the present to the future.
- Hour of travail, delivery, or parturition.
- Performance or occurrence of an action or event, considered with reference to repetition; addition of a number to itself; repetition; as, to double cloth four times; four times four, or sixteen.
And, my favorite:
- Tense
You got that right.
Single people are often given kudos for “taking charge.” While married people are oft rewarded for staying side by side, slowing a little when needed and picking up the pace when warranted. Yet, always staying connected.
But, what happens if your nickname is “Velocity” as mine is? And, Husband’s is something that means “analyzing something until the end of time so no mistakes are made?”
I live in leaps and bounds. Husband is content to plug away, taking life in small bites. I tend to live life as if the house was on fire. Husband would never have a house fire, as he would never be so careless or unprepared or would be able to put out a flame before it dared to flare.
No way is the best way. It’s just different.
But, different is sometimes hard for the late bloomer bride. When single, things happen at your own pace. No one could stop you – or start you. And, if you have been single a long time, you develop a sort of rhythm and expectation around how quickly (or slowly) things in your life move – everything from how long you are willing to commute to work to how much deliberation should go into buying a new dishwasher.
(We just went through the latter, which involved checking the last two years of Consumer Reports, visiting several online stores, and will soon involve visiting the physical store “just to be sure.” I would have one-clicked a new washer to our house in about 20 minutes had I been single.)
Yes, expect your decision-making, movement-making, charge-taking to all change once the vows are spoken.
Two things I’ve learned in an attempt to traverse this new time territory:
- Develop your patience. Joint decision-making takes time. (There’s that word again.) It’s why people complain about all those company meetings they have to sit in. Building consensus, getting people up to speed, weighing the options, considering the alternatives – it takes something. And, not everyone reaches the same conclusion in the same time-frame as the others. So, in marriage, it can feel like a colossal waste of time, sitting there waiting for the other to have their decision epiphany. But, you’re gonna have to do it for harmony sake.
- Talk more than you think you need to. (As you can imagine, Husband is thrilled with this tactic.) However, it may be an eye opener for the LBB that there now exists a second person to consider at all. So, it deserves mentioning. We both have to remember the pace at which you live has significant impact on the other. So, you have to, literally, check in with them on things you wouldn’t have given a second thought to had you been single. And, sometimes you have to light a fire under their butt. And, that means you have to verbalize. Request. Suggest deadlines for decision-making. Have a summit. Whatever it takes to get it on the table.
Anyone else have ideas on reconciling differing “life paces?”
