Archive for Communication
Don’t Forget to Smile
Posted by: | CommentsSometimes it’s the simplest thing that can make a difference in your relationship.
One of my favorite authors, Mira Kirschenbaum, wrote in her book The Emotional Energy Factor: The Secrets High-Energy People Use to Beat Emotional Fatigue that smiling at your spouse first thing in the morning can positively set your whole day.
Made sense to me. And, in my book, anything Ms. Kirschenbaum says to do, I do.
So, I started. To smile, that is. Some days it feels like I’m just plastering a goofy grin on my face. It feels like it is literally cracking under me, because it just.doesn’t.want.to.smile. Other times, it comes quite naturally. But, regardless, I flash those teeth every a.m. (morning breath and all).
The fact I’ve kept it up for seven days now is kind of amazing. I am at my most immature in the morning. I’m grumpy. Don’t want to get up. And, heaven help the person who asks me a question before 9 a.m.
(Nothing can reveal pockets of immaturity like marriage. Well, I’ve heard parenting is like that, but I am unfamiliar with that territory. After being married, I have found that just when you think you’re grown up, you find more growing up to do.)
I’ve often told single women they possess one of life’s most powerful man-attracting tools – their smile. They should smile at every man they meet (leaving out the scary ones, of course). Funny it didn’t dawn on me that once you’re in a relationship that the same smile that attracted your spouse is the one you should continue to give every day.
And, you know what? It works. I find I’m in a better mood all around. Husband often smiles back, which is always uplifting. And, suddenly I find myself smiling more at strangers – like, all the time.
Now, as an experiment I am going to smile every time I greet Husband – first thing in the morning, when I walk back into the house after work, when he returns from taking out the garbage – an extra wide smile for that last one — etc.
It’s simple. But, effective.
How Marriage Affects the Pace of Your Life
Posted by: | CommentsThe slow movement is gaining speed. Christine Louise Hohlbaum has an entire blog devoted to our relationship to time and our too-often inability to make friends with it. Her Power of Slow concept does not say necessarily to live life slowly, but rather to live life mindfully. I like that concept. I’ve been trying it on for size.
Except I’ve run into one little wrinkle. I have learned that marriage can test your definition of time, mindfulness, and the nonspatial continuum like no other.
When looking up the definition of time, I found many:
- The duration of one’s life; the hours and days which a person has at his disposal.
- A proper time; a season; an opportunity.
- A nonspatial continuum in which events occur in apparently irreversible succession from the past through the present to the future.
- Hour of travail, delivery, or parturition.
- Performance or occurrence of an action or event, considered with reference to repetition; addition of a number to itself; repetition; as, to double cloth four times; four times four, or sixteen.
And, my favorite:
- Tense
You got that right.
Single people are often given kudos for “taking charge.” While married people are oft rewarded for staying side by side, slowing a little when needed and picking up the pace when warranted. Yet, always staying connected.
But, what happens if your nickname is “Velocity” as mine is? And, Husband’s is something that means “analyzing something until the end of time so no mistakes are made?”
I live in leaps and bounds. Husband is content to plug away, taking life in small bites. I tend to live life as if the house was on fire. Husband would never have a house fire, as he would never be so careless or unprepared or would be able to put out a flame before it dared to flare.
No way is the best way. It’s just different.
But, different is sometimes hard for the late bloomer bride. When single, things happen at your own pace. No one could stop you – or start you. And, if you have been single a long time, you develop a sort of rhythm and expectation around how quickly (or slowly) things in your life move – everything from how long you are willing to commute to work to how much deliberation should go into buying a new dishwasher.
(We just went through the latter, which involved checking the last two years of Consumer Reports, visiting several online stores, and will soon involve visiting the physical store “just to be sure.” I would have one-clicked a new washer to our house in about 20 minutes had I been single.)
Yes, expect your decision-making, movement-making, charge-taking to all change once the vows are spoken.
Two things I’ve learned in an attempt to traverse this new time territory:
- Develop your patience. Joint decision-making takes time. (There’s that word again.) It’s why people complain about all those company meetings they have to sit in. Building consensus, getting people up to speed, weighing the options, considering the alternatives – it takes something. And, not everyone reaches the same conclusion in the same time-frame as the others. So, in marriage, it can feel like a colossal waste of time, sitting there waiting for the other to have their decision epiphany. But, you’re gonna have to do it for harmony sake.
- Talk more than you think you need to. (As you can imagine, Husband is thrilled with this tactic.) However, it may be an eye opener for the LBB that there now exists a second person to consider at all. So, it deserves mentioning. We both have to remember the pace at which you live has significant impact on the other. So, you have to, literally, check in with them on things you wouldn’t have given a second thought to had you been single. And, sometimes you have to light a fire under their butt. And, that means you have to verbalize. Request. Suggest deadlines for decision-making. Have a summit. Whatever it takes to get it on the table.
Anyone else have ideas on reconciling differing “life paces?”
Is it Time for a Marital Summit?
Posted by: | CommentsThere is much great advice around having a healthy relationship. But, sometimes I come across an idea so dazzling I am a little jealous I didn’t come up with it myself.
A few years ago, my friend Susan felt it was time to check in with her husband on a few things, and perhaps recalibrate their joint vision, mission and goals. Plus, they were planning on building their own house. A few things needed to be decided.
So, she took a survey. Of her husband’s ideas, thoughts and feelings, that is. And, then she called a Marriage Summit.
How brilliant is this?
I immediately stole the idea. Everyone in any kind of relationship should.
Husband’s response to said idea was first to raise his cute little eyebrows. Why? Finally came out of his mouth.
Well, we have stuff to talk about.
Like what? We talk all the time, was his answer.
I really, really wanted to say (but didn’t) yeah, but I don’t always like the answers.
He then added, you just don’t like my answers.
Caught.
Maybe is one of Husband’s favorite words. He doesn’t like to be locked in. But, I’m a Taurus. And, an LBB. And, a business woman. Maybe, in my book, isn’t an answer.
Husband, being the accommodating guy he can be, finally agreed to the summit idea (though not the survey). Only he doesn’t want to call it a Marriage Summit. Rather we’re calling it a Family Business Meeting. (Why this is better, I don’t know. But, I don’t care. Call it a visit to the zoo. As long as we are there. Talking.)
Here is a framework we’ve adopted:
- Organize the topics. Ours included – taxes, house, health, retirement, Operation Townhouse Transformation, and vacations.
- Prioritize them. What needs to be discussed first? You get one topic per summit, er, FBM.
- Schedule the gathering. I sent him a meeting request via Outlook. (One of the greatest things about Outlook is that it will put a meeting notice on anyone’s calendar just by sending the request. Partial buy-in!)
- Attach an agenda to the meeting request, including what each of you needs to bring. After all, you can’t talk about choosing a beach house unless you put all the options on the table. Bring your back-up. In my case, it was pictures of actual beach houses for rent.
- You meet. Hell nor high water gets in the way.
Our FBM this week was about taxes. As in doing them. Oh, joy. But, I had a small thrill of accomplishment when it was over. And, the dreaded sense of mystery about when they would get done was gone.
Next week’s FBM is going to be about our living situation – including Operation Townhouse Transformation and our soon-to-be-built house. Because, the greenery on our land really needs some company.
(See next week’s blog entry for how our meeting goes. Was it bad that I hired a professional organizer before talking to Husband? I think it’s time to let him know…)
Talking Trash. Just Don’t.
Posted by: | CommentsSingle people have an advantage. They can converse about their life at will. And, this freedom to talk about whatever, whenever to whoever was usually also taken for granted. I know I did.
When I was single, I had a long list of confidantes that I shared things with. And, what I shared was completely up to me.
Then, I got married.
Before, if I had an issue with a guy, I knew who to go to in order to vent: girlfriends. (This was all before Facebook, too. Today, you can get the masses up to speed on your complaints in a nanosecond.)
For instance, let’s say said romantic partner, oh, forgot for the eight hundredth time that I was going to be at dance class on Thursday night. In fact, I have been going to said dance class for three years. At the same time. To the same place. So, when the phone calls comes in from Husband asking me what we’re doing for dinner when he’s been fending for himself on Thursday for three years, I feel a vent coming on.
But, what to do? Spew on Facebook? Tweet my torments? Blast e’m on the blog? Chew up the telephone lines? Text my troubles? E-mail their errors? Ah, angst.
At what point is sharing shameful? Is telling tales out of school? Is making your significant other look bad? Is violating the sanctity of marriage?
Little did we know when we got married that 40 years of gushing, prattling, chattering, chatting, discussing, talking, gossiping, venting, conversing, sharing, blubbering, and overall general blabbing at will would need to come to an end.
Unbenownst to me when I was single that there exists an unspoken marital code: thou shall make the other person look good at all times. Even when they aren’t good. This is imperative to staying (happily) married.
I believe figuring this out is not as difficult for people who get married at a younger age. This is because our younger counterparts learn communication styles together as they move through adulthood. But, those of us who grew through adulthood, single, well…
I know there must be a happy medium. So I came up with some simple rules (learned the hard way), that other LBBs (and their spouses) may want to consider. See below.
(Additionally, I include a “disloyalty scale rating.” This rating means, if you violate the rule, you are displaying betrayal – at some level. It is based on a scale of 1-10, with ten being the most heinous. Yeah, I am making all this up. But, who else is gonna?)
- If you have a blog, column or other public “display” related to your relationship, let your significant other read your entries about them before making them public. If you violate this rule, expect at least a “7” on the disloyalty scale, depending on the topic. (Husband believes this rating should be higher.)
- If you have a blog, and you write about your relationship, be sure to talk about yourself 95 percent more than you tell about your significant other. Violating this rule puts you at an average of “6” on the disloyalty scale, depending on how much you skew the ratio.
- If you talk about your relationship publicly, let it be a learning experience not a venting experience. Disloyalty scale rating: “8.”
- Seek advice from friends, verbally, if you have the honest intention to improve things so that someday you can shut up about it already. Disloyalty scale rating: “0″ (Provided you really do shut your trap eventually.)
- Call up friends to vent about him or her so you don’t flatten your partner. But plan to talk with him or her reasonably about it later. Disloyalty Scale rating: “2”. (Letting anyone in on the details of your disagreements does show off imperfections that perhaps your significant other doesn’t want shown,hence the rating not earning a “0.”)
- Do not vent about your loved ones on Facebook. Ever. Period. Even alluding to discontent isn’t okay. Violation? Disloyalty scale rating: “8.” This rises to a “10” if you talk about sex. You don’t really need me to explain this one, do you?
- Remember that once written down in an e-mail, forever in an e-mail (that could likely get shared). Disloyalty scale rating: Well, it depends on the content. But, if you talking significant trash about your significant other, you get a “9.” If you are seeking advice on how to change the person, you earn a “3.” If you are seeking advice about how to communicate better with them, you earn a “0.”
- Nobody on Twitter cares about the state of your marriage. Really. Disloyalty scale rating: “8” (and more for the disloyalty you are showing your followers with your boring tweets on whose underwear was left on the floor last.)
Bottom line? Revamping your communication style doesn’t come easy. But, it is essential to at least examine it when getting married. Learn effective, direct communication.
Below is probably some better advice:
The Wedding Post-Mortem or How To Not Do What I Did
Posted by: | CommentsI have recently gotten wind of a few LBB wedding stories that have chilled my little heart. (This is a feat given the relentless, windy, frigid temperatures outside. Spring, where are you?)
It is unfortunate that so many women who have chosen to get married later in life experienced what I call the “blasé wedding blues.” Apparently, if you are over 40 and getting married for the first time, a typical response is:
- It’s about time, now just go off and do it already, or
- Good for you, now just go off and do it already.
Very few people want to make a big deal around a woman over 40 getting married for the first time, say these LBB compatriots. Such a shame.
If you are 25 and getting married for the first time, well, every person in your sphere stands at attention, awaiting orders, while secretly planning bachelorette parties, “steal the bride” moments, bridal showers, gift registry tips, wedding dress shopping dates and more.
Deep down inside, we all want people to make a fuss. It’s human nature. Now, that “fuss” may be defined differently. But, in the end, we all want people to “ooh” and “aah” over our life choices, even if in a whisper.
As for me, if I could re-do my wedding (and the months leading up to it) there are many things I would change.
- I would have had bridesmaids. (I had none.)
- I would have invited more than 43 people to our wedding.
- I would have cared less about whether everyone else was having a good time and concentrated on having a good time myself.
- I wouldn’t have planned so many things that weekend to keep everyone happy and occupied (a pre-wedding barbeque party, a rehearsal dinner for the parents, a girlfriend’s lunch, the wedding and reception itself).
- I would have asked for more hoopla leading up to the weekend wedding, itself, which I did not have to plan and execute.
And, there it is. That last little bullet. The thing I have been holding in my heart that I did not realize until a recent LBB recounted her own story of how “unmoved” her family seemed about her getting married.
My situation was nothing like hers. She literally had “relatives behaving badly” from making snarky comments to not showing up for events. They treated her wedding day as just any old event. In fact, some of her relatives treated her wedding weekend like it was their vacation, and therefore, everything and anything could be “blown off” if they didn’t feel like it.
Everyone behaved around my wedding. And, everyone seemed genuinely happy to be there.
But, the year leading up to the Big Event? Well…
The truth is, no matter your age, you do want large events in your life celebrated. I had the wedding shower (bless you, T), a small engagement party thrown impromptu by friends (bless you, K & R), the well wishes, the mandatory attendance at the Big Event itself.
But, at times I did get the sense from some folks involved (who shall remain nameless) that my nuptials were all very “been there, done that,” too.
I bear some (much) responsibility for this.
- I acted “all independent” letting everyone know I could plan and “do” this wedding all by myself. And, I did. In fact, I even told Husband all he had to do was show up. And, he did.
- I did not ask for any fanfare. I told everyone “whatever you want to do…blah, blah, blah.” And, they did.
- I believed if I was over 40 then there was to be no screaming, jumping up and down, and giggling. It was all to be dignified. And, elegant. And, mature. Oh, boy. Tons of fun.
In the end, you get what you ask for. So, all you future LBBs out there, choose what you want. Then, speak.
As for me, I’m throwin’ one helluva anniversary party at year five. There will be mandatory merry-making and whooping. Oh, and giggling. Lots of giggling.
Married Thoughts Versus Single Thoughts
Posted by: | CommentsThere are a number of thoughts I have now as a married person, that I am quite certain I did not think when I was single.
What should we have for dinner? That’s one.
Another is please, please, please let the dishes in the dishwasher be dirty. This is because I just want to throw in that spoon and not worry about it. (Admit it, you have this thought.) If they are clean, well, then someone has to unload them. I hate unloading the dishwasher. Guess who unloads the most? When single, I could go a whole month without having to do that deed. Or, just wash them again. What the heck.
Another consideration is how can I get Husband away from that computer to the dinner table? Yes, I have become that woman, the one who yells up the stairs, dinner is ready in 10 minutes. Then, I yell, 5 minutes. And, then I spend the next 15 minutes actually trying to tear him away from his office before the chicken parmesan I’ve prepared gets cold.
Others include:
Do I have time to go to the gym after work before Husband gets home?
Has that towel been used?
Hmm, I wonder if Husband will leave first tomorrow morning and I should pull into the driveway first. But, then I might want to go the gym. Naaa, I should just pull in so he can pull in behind me. But, then again he might take that conference call tomorrow from home and then…
Should I put a note on that cheese (do not eat)?
I was here first, so hands off the remote.
Should I put a note on that dark chocolate (don’t you dare eat)?
Will he remember about my dance class tonight so he has to fend for himself for dinner (even though I’ve been going to this same class for three years now)?
Do we need milk? (But, only when I’m standing in milk aisle of the grocery store. When I was single, I always knew what was in the refrigerator. Nothing.)
Like that.
And, then, of course there is when are you coming home? I miss you.
The Dance of Desires, Wishes and Dreams – Who is Supposed to Lead?
Posted by: | CommentsThe parallel between marriage and ballroom dancing has been drawn many times. So, I probably can’t add much. Except for the fact that I may declare here and now that whatever “they” have said is probably true—how you are on the dance floor is how you are in life.
Husband and I took about six months of ballroom dancing – learning the foxtrot, the waltz, swing, nightclub 2 step. (Tango was out given how much we struggled with the simple foxtrot.)
During that six months, Husband was vindicated in more ways than he could count. But, then again, so was I.
For one, I am terrible at following (which basically tracks with the rest of the time). He knew he married an independent woman. But, independence is not rewarded on the dance floor. Following is rewarded.
In most ballroom dancing, men are in charge. Women are to be led. And, as our teacher said, if he stops, you stop. You don’t do anything until he tells you to, all with his hand and sometimes the placement of his hips – which, by the way, I’m not supposed to watch. I’m just supposed to somehow “feel it.”
My real job was to follow his hand, keep the frame (the space between us), and maintain “tone” in my outstretched arm. (So much for all that Pilates. Five minutes of that and my arm was screaming at me.)
Most of the time, it turned out Husband wasn’t interested in leading me anywhere (which also basically tracks with the rest of the time). He’d rather I just follow without him having to do anything. Or, just do whatever I want to do. But, this does not work on the dance floor. He must command.
(Additional trouble included the fact it took us four lessons before I realized the hand I was supposed to be following was the one on my back – not the one at the end of my screaming outstretched arm. And, while following his supposedly ever-present hand on my shoulder blade was hard enough, Husband’s hand kept falling down to my waist, which meant now my torso was attempting to chase said hand around the dance floor. We looked like two ostriches attempting to mate.)
This lead-follow technique is an interesting concept around daily life. If you are a late bloomer bride – married for the first time over age 40 – you have led your own life for a long time. You would have never gotten in the dance otherwise. But, now married, learning when to lead and when to follow can be confusing. For instance, when you want something in your life – and it’s something you wished for, for a very, very long time, who is supposed to take the lead on the wish fulfillment?
I was recently told by someone that I “oversold” the fact I wanted a dog. And, this meant I wouldn’t get it. In an attempt to answer Husband’s question – “what do you want for Christmas?” — apparently the fact I was honest – and honest often – meant I was being too something. Maybe I was trying to lead when I should have been following?
Yet, all the advice I’ve received about discussing your desires include
- You are to be honest at all times,
- Drop the manipulation,
- Don’t expect your spouse to be a mind reader, and
- Men don’t do subtle. You must be direct.
In other words, lead them. But, maybe there is a “just lead them enough” clause that I missed in the marriage contract? Or, are there some dances you’ll never get to dance with your spouse no matter what? So, it doesn’t matter who leads or follows? Just sign me “wanting to learn, but so confused.”
Of Driving and Divorce Predicators
Posted by: | CommentsIt is official. I have become a nag.
But, only in one place. The car.
Who knew that marriage could cause such a personality shift?
When I was single, never in a million years would I have dreamed I’d be one of those women. The backseat driver, the cantankerous why-did-you-take-this-route-lady, the hassler. But, there I was, Christmas Eve, headed toward my sister’s place. Husband in the driver seat. Me, in the nag seat. Telling him how to drive. (Actually, more than that.)
It had snowed – heavily – in previous days. The roads were okay that night, but not great. It was misting, making everything mushier and darker than usual. So, when Husband – who is a silent but stealthy driver – was speeding along the major highway like he always does, it made me nervous. (Husband believes every road is a version of the German autobahn.)
Add to the fact he was not paying any attention to what I was saying, and I grew even more anxious. (Actually, naggier.)
This is because somewhere in my subconscious, I must have believed the pestering needed acknowledging. So, the harassment got louder. Because he might not hear me from eight inches away. So, it grew. (Actually, exploded.)
Husband, slow down!
Why are you going this way? We’ll be late.
Watch that guy!
Stop speeding up to every light and then braking (which is kind of a stupid thing to say, given if you are speeding, you want them to eventually brake)
Careful, Husband. That’s a patch of ice.
What? Are? You? Doing?
You’re going to give me a heart attack!
Sort of like that. (Actually, louder.)
Do you ever have one of those out-of-body experiences where you know your behavior just isn’t right, and you’re looking down on yourself from the ceiling, debating inside why you are continuing with said behavior? Well, it was one of those nights.
I recently came across an article on the best divorce predictors. The number one reason why people split up? Conflict avoidance. I guess we should not be worried. Husband eventually told me to cut it out. (Actually, less subtly.)
Facebooking Couples: Are You on the Same Page?
Posted by: | CommentsHere is an interesting article about couples who “Facebook.” It contains some really good advice about transparency, avoiding “friending” ex-lovers, and thinking twice about marital venting.
Facebook’s privacy controls are growing, but there are still some dangers lurking in cyber happy land. To their list, I will add my own horror stories advice below.
(You may be asking, how much more sensitive can you be to privacy when you BLOG about things in your marriage, LBB? Oh, trust me. Facebook can be waaaay more dangerous than this blog.)
First, there are the posts that others write on my wall, pictures that get tagged, and comments that trickle their way through cyberspace. Personally, I have my FB page pretty locked down. But, the short Santa Baby dress I wore for a dance recently – well, let’s just say it made its way to Husband’s profile, which then allowed his clients to see it. (Naturally, I’m hoping Husband’s clients are thinking – how lucky is he?) I didn’t care. (It looks good.) Husband took it in stride. (He likes the outfit.) All was well.
But, then, recently, a nameless gentleman (you know who you are) posted on a listserv asking for advice on how to friend an ex-girlfriend so her husband wouldn’t find out. (What was he thinking? That, of the 1,000 people on the listserv, this matter would stay private?) One clever reader replied, tell her to also “friend” a good lawyer.
The truth is, nothing on Facebook stays private for long. So, to add to the marital Facebook-ing policies, I add my own thoughts not included in this article:
- Determine whether or not your Facebook page is for pleasure or business. And, I really, really encourage that your spouse’s and your ideas match. Why? See Santa Baby outfit example above.
- The past will find you. Remember your spouse may not know about – or have quite yet acknowledged – that you have a past. Anything you don’t want coming out? Well, be careful about friending those college buddies. They have those old pictures of you doing shooters in that awful 80s hair. Count on being tagged.
- To tag or not to tag? Did you invite everyone to your party? No? You had space restrictions like I did recently and could only squeeze in so many people? Well, know the pictures, while not necessarily embarrassing, alert everyone who wasn’t invited that, well, they weren’t invited. And your spouse may be questioned. Let them know this.
- Make sure you and your spouse agree on Facebook privacy controls. See listserv example above.
- Adhere to the golden rule. Only post on anyone’s wall what you wouldn’t mind having on your wall, having said about you, or having your spouse, boss, children or 82 year old grammie read about you. Play nice. Make your spouse proud to claim you.
Anyone else have anything they’d like to add?
The Gift That Needs Forgiving. Or, How to Say Out of the Dog House.
Posted by: | CommentsThe Wall Street Journal published an article the other day, titled, The Gift That Needs Forgiving. I immediately counted my blessings that Husband has never given me a nightgown four times too large wrapped in a Wal-Mart bag. (You have to read the article to really understand that last bit).
The other day I blogged about marital gift giving and how difficult it can be when you are a late bloomer bride (or husband) because:
- You mostly have what you want already
- The “older you” wants tend to run in the expensive to very expensive category. (For instance, my friend “E” says all her husband wants is a helicopter for Christmas. Guess what he’s not getting again this year?)
- Surprises are harder to develop because your likes and dislikes are so, well, established.
Husband always asks for a wish list. It is supposed to help. But, I lament that he shouldn’t need a list. He laments about what I put on the list. (Have I mentioned before I’d like a puppy?) But, after reading this Wall Street Journal article, about the bad gifts some women have been subjected to, I am thinking differently about Husband’s viewpoint around this whole wish list thing.
While I view holiday shopping as an opportunity to surprise and delight, Husband views it quite differently. I am finding that most men view gift giving as shopping for the other person (hence the list). Apparently, this is helpful in avoiding the “gift that needs forgiving.”
So, I offer more help – in addition to this article – in dealing with differing perspectives around holiday present producing:
- Yes, women, provide a Christmas wish list. But, prioritize the list, as well. This comes from experience. Husband will pick out the one electronic gadget on it, otherwise. He says he understands how to research that one. He will ignore anything that involves a size, a choice (color, etc.) or a trip to the lingerie department. Also, do not be shy about providing hyperlinks to exact items.
- Yes, men, you have to produce a really mushy, beautiful Christmas card with your gift. It will take any sting out of the one utilitarian gift you’re likely to pick off the wish list.
- Expensive isn’t the issue. Personally, I’m hoping for more time with Husband as my Christmas gift this year. A day where we just spend it with each other, doing fun things.
- Men, consider sharing the story around why you picked out a certain gift. We like that you actually thought about it. Yes, this involves talking.
- Ladies, love the story he gives. This is encouraging, and perhaps someday they will discover that communicating is not the death sentence that it can sometimes feel like.
In the end, remember the reason for the season. (But, don’t forget the card.)
