Oh, Lordy, the mistakes that get made by moi. Mea Culpa! Here goes nuthin’.

1. Not spending enough time with Husband.

If you get married for the first time over age 40, you came to your marriage with a life. And, I’d bet  it came with all kinds of ways to entertain yourself. These things may or may not be condusive to having another person around. For instance, I loooooove to be in dance class. Husband is not allowed to attend burlesque class, so I spend one to two nights a week away from him. That would be okay, but that’s not all I do. Add friends, business networking events, stops to the gym, the mall and the grocery story on the way home, etc. and suddenly, I am only home one night a week. Not good.

2. Letting my mind dwell on the things I had when I was single that are impossible to have when married.

For instance — and this is going to sound so stupid – but I really miss having full control of the television remote. I really, really do. Namely, I miss being able to control the “off” button. I like being able to turn that damn thing off when I am in sensory overload. But, I also like Sex and the City reruns and jumping around my favorite movies all afternoon to just watch my favorite bits.  Husband does not. So, I have to compromise (said with a not-too-small-amount of whining).

(I also miss having the bed to myself from time to time.)

3. Taking out my frustration with clients, traffic, the Whole Foods parking lot, real estate agents, traffic, my body’s refusal to just drop the damned vacation lbs, Wall Street, did I mention traffic?, and Wells Fargo’s stupid fee structure on Husband. 90 percent of the time it’s not him. It’s me. No, wait, it’s them. Oh, hell, it’s just not Husband.

4. Like Gretchen, demanding gold stars from Husband.

Husband comes from a conservative, low(er)-communication, low(er)-acknowledging family. My family, on the other hand, is over the top. No, wait. It’s acknowledgment central. I am used to being told good things when I do good things. Husband is not that verbal. I try to make up for it by being doubly verbal. This also can be a mistake.

5. Not discouraging behaviors that are not good for the relationship. Okay, being lazy.

This means having us eat dinner in front of the TV news every night instead of the table. This means doing work on weekends until we can’t remember the last time we actually did anything else on a weekend. It also means getting really, really lethargic about a lot of things.

So, I try to be do things differently, think about different things, and be grateful for what I do have. But, I don’t always succeed. I wonder if men think about this?

If I had taken that poll before we left for Europe, I would have answered “make sure you ask if you are planning on wearing a dirndl and listen to him.”

You see it all started with Oktoberfest.

On the final leg of our European adventure last month, we stopped off at Munich where Sister and Brother-in-Love live to attend (the real) Oktoberfest (in September, by the way). This was my little bribe to get Husband to visit Scandinavia, which he really wasn’t in the mood for. Husband is always in the mood for a mas of real German beer. So, off we went.

This time, however, I was determined to not look like a tourist. This meant I was going to wear a dirndl. And, Husband was going to wear lederhosen.

Did you know that on every street block there is a dirndl and lederhosen store? I am talking about stores dedicated to the push up cleavage and mountain hiker look. We found a cool vintage drindle store across the street from our hotel. After trying on several onmygodIwillneverbreathagain corsetted dirndls, I finally found one in my size. It was black with a red (sequined!) apron. Black! Fabulous. Black makes you look thinner right?

Au contraire mon frau. Not in Germany.

Of course, I am standing next to my very thin and beautiful friend Kim and Sister. Yes, we are standing in front of a beer truck. Yes, I am look wider than those kegs of better behind us.

Oh, and we had to wear nude hose. @Marijean once tweeted (I think from an airplane) that flight attendants were the only profession left that had women wear nude hose. Well, add Oktoberfest to that list, cuz that’s what the dirndl-selling ladies told us we had to wear. And, when the dirndl-shop clerks tell you to do something, you do it.

But, I got over my pleated hips and nude covered legs. After all, it was festival time!

There was beer to drink!

And, songs to sing in our tent!

But, then we returned home. I downloaded the pictures (first mistake). Then, I mentioned at a family dinner one night about how the drindl made me look a little chubby (second mistake). Husband, without missing a beat between bites of crab cake AGREED.

Should have taken the poll before we left. Should have remembered that pleats don’t look good on anyone.

When Husband and I found our dream property (and by the grace of God managed to buy it), the first thing he did was set up four security cameras. Three face outward and one faces into the main part of the house.

This is our view from the front porch.

The security cameras capture movement (change in pixels, corrected Husband – whatever) and send us each, to our e-mail inbox, a 5 second video snippet of what it caught on camera.

During a lightning storm, we’ll get hundreds of these in an  hour.  I’ve watched the landscape guys  cut the lawn and trim the hedges, cars drive up our driveway and promptly turn around when they must be stalking the place realize they don’t really live there. And, if you follow me on Facebook you get to see my postings of the wildlife we capture on our security  camera – deer, birds, stinkbugs, aliens more bugs.

Well, I’ve found a new reason to celebrate Husband’s  security paranoia. I know exactly what he’s up to over there.

The other day husband moved over his old king sized bed (can  I get an hallelujah?) for some impending out of town guests to lay their weary heads. Later  that morning I get a text and v/m, asking me which room I wanted it in. What??  We already decided that. And, of course, I get said text and v/m an hour later.

I sent a frantic text and left a v/m, hoping surely he would get it. After three hours, no answer. It occurred to me to check the security alerts. Yep, there he  was – on camera – putting the bed in the right room.

Later that night:

Me: Did you get me message about the bed?

Husband: Yes.

Me: Why didn’t you call me back?

Husband: I figured you’d see me putting it in the master bedroom on the security camera.

Like I said – our communication to each other got one step stranger.

Compromise.

All marriages require a level of give and take. But, we Late Bloomer Brides sometimes have trouble with this one.

For one, as you grow older, you naturally begin to collect things. When single, you also get to collect those things without compromise, input or negotiation.  From furniture to kitchen utensils, you may grow quite fond of your collections. There also are things we gather over the years that aren’t as readily apparent – from setting our own thermostats to our political ideas.

In marriage you have to reconcile your ideas, your experiences, and your preferences, with another human being who is going to be witnessing, sharing, and caring about how what you believe, how you feel, and what you want to do.

If you are 23 and just figuring out your preferences – with a mate by your side – I submit it’s a far different experience than someone who is over 40 and just now having to deal – daily – with another’s mindset. We LBBs have gotten comfortable in those areas – or at least like to navigate them a certain way. So, have our mates.

For instance, I married someone who considers my idea of “flow” – putting money back into the economy (like how I made shopping sound altruistic?) – is just “spending.” Husband is a saver. Reconciling our financial styles has put our ideas about money on the table, forked and splayed open. Yes, it’s that pretty.

But, if you give in to his way? Well, sometimes compromising can feel like cheating on your ideals. For harmony you will need to learn to accept another’s perspective, deeply and daily. I dare say a younger marital couple will view this as part of the growing experience. A late bloomer bride might say it’s more like negotiating.

Best advice I’ve received:

• Balance your compromises with some set boundaries.
• Know what you can compromise and which areas feel like you are chipping away at who you are.
• Also, be sure your spouse (or intended) understands your deal-breakers.

How have you handled this aspect of marriage? What compromise have you found more difficult (or easier) than expected?

If you knew the things I chose not to write about, it could fill a library. For the record, Husband could probably say the same even though he doesn’t have a blog.

Everyday something happens that I think, hmmm, if I blogged about that it could be really useful to someone. (Sometimes I also think, Hmmm, this could be really useful for me to vent about. )

Then, I remember my marriage is more important than this blog. I step away from the keyboard.

These include things like how I drove myself to the emergency room at 10 p.m. one night with a raging UTI, while Husband stayed to watch TV. In all fairness, I didn’t ask him to drive me. And, I was bitchy. These two characteristics guaranteed a solo visit. Then, I think, shouldn’t the one NOT in pain be the bigger person, suck it up and take care of the other person even though bitchiness reigned? Then, I start to question the level of care I receive, overall. Soon, I am believing the only time anyone pays attention to me is when they need something. Shortly thereafter, the rabbit hole threatens to swallow me whole. These are the things I don’t talk about.

But, this leads to a very interesting question: No matter the social media channel (Facebook, Twitter, blogs), it is sometimes hard to know where the line is around sharing how you really are and sharing what you think people want to hear.

I know the basic rules of online relationship behavior:

• No open fighting online.
• Same is true for not asking people to alloy their affinity for the other (i.e. suggesting your spouse be “unfriended”)
• No sharing intimate details about the bedroom or medical conditions (oops)
• No outing the other about strange habits like how I can’t leave the house without curling my eyelashes first

But, what about everything else?

This is where the popularity of reality TV shows messed me up.  We’re a society of nosey parkers. People like to peer into other’s lives. We get attention and glory and friendships based on how open we are. To be interesting you need to be authentic (the new business buzzword). Even the word authentic is beginning to sound inauthentic because it means so many different things to so many different people.

Just like marital issues. You are sure other couples struggle with something, you blog about it and people are like, what? And, Husband is more like, what the hell?  And, now I’m stuck second guessing even the really benign stuff like temperature wars and travel breakdowns.  

I am now beginning to see that perhaps blogging is not for the faint of heart. Kind of like marriage.