Archive for Family
The Wedding Post-Mortem or How To Not Do What I Did
Posted by: | CommentsI have recently gotten wind of a few LBB wedding stories that have chilled my little heart. (This is a feat given the relentless, windy, frigid temperatures outside. Spring, where are you?)
It is unfortunate that so many women who have chosen to get married later in life experienced what I call the “blasé wedding blues.” Apparently, if you are over 40 and getting married for the first time, a typical response is:
- It’s about time, now just go off and do it already, or
- Good for you, now just go off and do it already.
Very few people want to make a big deal around a woman over 40 getting married for the first time, say these LBB compatriots. Such a shame.
If you are 25 and getting married for the first time, well, every person in your sphere stands at attention, awaiting orders, while secretly planning bachelorette parties, “steal the bride” moments, bridal showers, gift registry tips, wedding dress shopping dates and more.
Deep down inside, we all want people to make a fuss. It’s human nature. Now, that “fuss” may be defined differently. But, in the end, we all want people to “ooh” and “aah” over our life choices, even if in a whisper.
As for me, if I could re-do my wedding (and the months leading up to it) there are many things I would change.
- I would have had bridesmaids. (I had none.)
- I would have invited more than 43 people to our wedding.
- I would have cared less about whether everyone else was having a good time and concentrated on having a good time myself.
- I wouldn’t have planned so many things that weekend to keep everyone happy and occupied (a pre-wedding barbeque party, a rehearsal dinner for the parents, a girlfriend’s lunch, the wedding and reception itself).
- I would have asked for more hoopla leading up to the weekend wedding, itself, which I did not have to plan and execute.
And, there it is. That last little bullet. The thing I have been holding in my heart that I did not realize until a recent LBB recounted her own story of how “unmoved” her family seemed about her getting married.
My situation was nothing like hers. She literally had “relatives behaving badly” from making snarky comments to not showing up for events. They treated her wedding day as just any old event. In fact, some of her relatives treated her wedding weekend like it was their vacation, and therefore, everything and anything could be “blown off” if they didn’t feel like it.
Everyone behaved around my wedding. And, everyone seemed genuinely happy to be there.
But, the year leading up to the Big Event? Well…
The truth is, no matter your age, you do want large events in your life celebrated. I had the wedding shower (bless you, T), a small engagement party thrown impromptu by friends (bless you, K & R), the well wishes, the mandatory attendance at the Big Event itself.
But, at times I did get the sense from some folks involved (who shall remain nameless) that my nuptials were all very “been there, done that,” too.
I bear some (much) responsibility for this.
- I acted “all independent” letting everyone know I could plan and “do” this wedding all by myself. And, I did. In fact, I even told Husband all he had to do was show up. And, he did.
- I did not ask for any fanfare. I told everyone “whatever you want to do…blah, blah, blah.” And, they did.
- I believed if I was over 40 then there was to be no screaming, jumping up and down, and giggling. It was all to be dignified. And, elegant. And, mature. Oh, boy. Tons of fun.
In the end, you get what you ask for. So, all you future LBBs out there, choose what you want. Then, speak.
As for me, I’m throwin’ one helluva anniversary party at year five. There will be mandatory merry-making and whooping. Oh, and giggling. Lots of giggling.
The LBB Perspective on PBS’ This Emotional Life: Families, Friends & Lovers
Posted by: | CommentsPBS recently launched a three-part television series called This Emotional Life. Hosted by Daniel Gilbert, a social psychologist who studies happiness, it explores the emotional side of being human.
The first segment, Families, Friends & Lovers, focuses on the state of our relationships, their impact, and the level of importance in a person’s life. Normally, I would be thinking, well, didn’t I already know this stuff? But, this series goes into specifics about how our emotions are dictated by the health of our relationships to such depth, I ended up clinging to Husband on the couch.
Daniel Gilbert goes on to explain: When we come together as family, as friends as lovers, we become more than the sum of our parts. We are the most successful of all the animals on our planet because we’re the most social. …in the end, those social connections, those bonds are what it’s all about. When they are strong, we are happy. When they are threatened, we worry. When they disappear, we suffer….Our happiness is in each other’s hands.
Let the clinging begin.
How we deal with relationships is tied to how we start in the world – babyhood — and how much love and attention we receive. Then, as we move into social realms – extended families, school, friendships – things get really interesting. And, eventually, as we are led to romantic love in the form of coupling and partnership, it reaches a head. My clinging grew a little more fevered at that point.
Companionship’s importance is as high for our survival as food, water and shelter, said Gilbert. And, because we—as a society – are so good at interacting with others, we are a powerful species.
Well. Pat ourselves on the back.
But, as this show delves into all kinds of topics, profiling people and families going through some of the harder aspects of relationship, we see how sometimes we are not very good at being with others. The show looks deeply into attachment disorder, Asperger’s Syndrome, conflict, leadership, children, power struggles, bullying, cooperation, infidelity, sex, loneliness and more.
Being together may be integral to our well being, but we make – and break – each other’s hearts constantly.
For a married-later-in life woman, a few “a-ha” moments, as well as just good old fashioned vindication, were found including:
1. Give up perfection. The show reinforces what we all know: expectation management is key. This is hard for an LBB, who waited a long time—either by choice or not – to commit to the marriage level of relationship. When you do take the marital plunge, no matter how sophisticated you think you are, certain expectations exist. He is supposed to be The One, Bringing All Manners of Perfection Into Your Life.
But, Elizabeth Gilbert, one of my favorite authors, who was interviewed for this segment summed up the fallacy of seeking such expectations beautifully: It’s not enough that you have this sort of decent relationship with this person. He also has to be your best friend. He also has to be your only romantic partner. He also has to be somebody who inspires you every day. He has to be somebody who is going to help your career. He has to be somebody who co-parents with you. He has to meet you on 25 different levels of intersection. It’s this giant sack of expectation that we’ve piled on to this sort of wobbly head of this old institution that was never necessarily about that in the past.
The centuries’ old tradition of getting married continues, but our expectations have grown exponentially. Come to think about it, if this were a few centuries ago, I’d be dead by now. They did not have late bloomer brides in the 16th century. (Given how long we live, perhaps now we are striving for perfection because we’re gonna be with them for a long, long time?)
2. Conflict is natural. To paraphrase what I heard on This Emotional Life, committing yourself to live with one person invites a certain level of disagreement and opportunities for disappointment. Kind of like, if you dive into the lake, you are inviting getting wet and maybe be nibbled by some fish. If you want to be sure to stay dry (and fish free), stay out of the water. So, relationships invite the possibility of all kinds of things – both good and bad – that you didn’t have to deal with alone.
As an LBB, I had hoped all manners of things would be resolved from marriage. Rather, some things are and some things that were once resolved now become unresolved. Sleeping alone gets handled. But, then Husband introduces furniture that you wouldn’t take home for free. You go from living in your dream-decorated little condo to our place, living with an uncomfortable kitchen banquet that doesn’t fit anywhere.
3. Doing things together is marital fertilizer. Forgetting for a moment how relationships break up, the show turns to how relationships last about two-thirds in. Doing things together, building something together and just plain having some fun and excitement is the key.
Oh, and a really good sex life (as you define it).
Art Aron, Ph.D. said: What it takes to have a relationship that is vibrant, that is lively, that is exciting…from the research so far, we know 2 things that bring in the positive. One is what is called capitalization and that is getting excited about your partners successes and building on them, capitalizing on them. The other is making your life together exciting.
When couples share novel and exciting experiences together, they grow close. Good thing Husband and I are having the Year of Fun (with just a little more clinging).
There’s more, but you may just have to set your own DVRs or buy the DVD.
Stepchildren – A Window into a Future Husband?
Posted by: | CommentsI am not an expert on children. I did not have children myself.
(I’d like to take a moment of gratitude for my two sisters who had two children each, satisfying the grandparents, and, therefore, leaving me at peace. Praise the Lord and Amen.)
Instead, I married a man who had children. Well, they aren’t kids exactly. They were both X-box playing, pizza-downing teenagers when I met Husband.
I got lucky. Really lucky with my two stepsons. They were, have always been, and continue to be, polite and nice to me. In fact, Father remarked the first time he met these then-teenage boys how much he admired their manners and adult-like engagement with the mostly-adult crowd.
And, it was kind of a bonus that Stepson Number Two and I share the same musical tastes. He’s given me some great mix CDs, much to the chagrin of Husband who does not appreciate Linkin Park the way I and his son do.
So, I add this to the list of things for LBBs to consider – how are his kids? Because, his children can tell you a lot about your spouse.
How they were raised (and what stuck) gives you a little peek into what’s important to Husband and how they probably treat people. I mean, children don’t raise themselves. I know all about the “firm-ware” that comes with people – traits that they genetically inherit apparently. But, for the most part, we all know that the relationships between children and parents directly color their prowess in dealing with others. So, wouldn’t it make sense that the way children relate to others (namely – YOU) says a lot about how husband would relate to you?
P.S. I may regret not having children someday, but I wasn’t about to squeeze a baby into my 500 square foot condo back during my fertile days and do “all that” by.my.self. I held out for a man who wanted to have children with me – and who’d move me into larger space (still waiting). By the time I met Husband it was just.too.late. Ah, well. C’est la vie.
Scandinavia—Land of My Peeps
Posted by: | CommentsFor some reason the Universe keeps pointing me East. Not to the Far East. No, it’s telling me to stop far short of that. It’s whispering Scandinavia.
Everywhere I turn I am seeing, hearing, reading things about Scandinavia, especially Sweden and Denmark. So Husband and I are planning (okay, well, I am planning for us) a vacation to Sweden sometime in the next 12 months. Because, I obey the universe when it calls. Plus, how could you not want to visit the part of the world that invented the sauna, the smorgasbord (pickled herring aside), ABBA and the Nobel Peace prize?
It also appears, this is the land of my people. My LBB peeps.
Oprah recently did a show* — guys, stay with me here – taking a look at how women live in different countries. She (but mostly her crew) travelled from Denmark to Rio, from Tokyo to Dubai, to take a peek into the daily lives of families in each of these very different places. Naturally, she started with Denmark as she recently was there to help lobby for the next Olympic games to be held in Chicago (in case you haven’t heard, Rio won the bid). She was struck at how happy everyone seemed to be. A show was born.
Did you know the happiest people in the world are in Denmark**? The women I saw from there on Oprah’s show were positively glowing.
Interestingly, this country has a lot of late bloomer brides. In reality, “late bloomer” probably isn’t even a concept there. But, they do get married later or not at all. In fact, marriage is slowly going out of fashion all over Scandinavia, according to my (very unscientific Google) research.
As what one Danish woman interviewed on Oprah said, getting married isn’t a goal in Denmark. Rather, finding the right mate is. (And, we all know at least one friend in the U.S. who seemed more interested in the wedding than the marriage.)
At the same time, Scandinavians appear to have a very strong commitment to family. It’s just the paper-between-each-other-thing that has been viewed as, well, not always that necessary. What constitutes a family in Scandinavia is based on parenthood, not marriage. (Sixty percent of first-born children in Denmark have unmarried parents, according to this Weekly Standard article***.)
If you are an American woman over the age of 35, there was a high likelihood it was drilled into your head that in order to be “complete” you must get married — preferably as soon as possible. It’s a societal directive that is hard to shake. And, this silent command has put lots of women in unhappy positions**** – like working themselves to death between the office, the nursery and the home.
So, feeling the pressure? Consider Scandinavia. (Just don’t blame me about the taxes.)
P.S. Father (as in my father) is wondering how I am going to handle the famous Scandinavian cold when we arrive in Sweden. As the family geneologist, he says we have Viking in our background so he understands the pull (but that somehow my blood was corrupted along the way with my aversion to the cold). Simple, really. I plan on spending much quality time in the saunas, of which I am promised exist every 10 feet.
P.S.S. Very interesting articles on the subjects above:
*Women Around the World by Oprah and her army
**Denmark: The Happiest Place on earth, report by ABC News
***The End of Marriage in Scandinavia by Stanley Kurtz
****The Real Reason American Women Are So Unhappy by Sharon Lerner
When the Family Styles Are So Very, Very Different
Posted by: | CommentsSo, I realize you haven’t heard from me in a while. That is because my extended family has begun the summer invasion. And, I mean, serious arrivals. (Not much time has been left for blog writing. However, it has been ripe with posting material.)
In the last 30 days I have been with cousins from Zurich, my sister and her family from Munich, cousins from New Jersey, and my father and stepmother from Florida. Throw in the “locals,” such as my other sister and her family, my aunt and uncle from the other side of town, and mom and stepdad on yet the other side of town, and, well, we have quite the gatherings.
Yesterday we had a barbeque at mom’s pool and tonight we have yet another barbeque at my sister’s place. Then, in the next five days, we have a dinner at our house, a restaurant-out-adults-only dinner, and two more gatherings involving various activities. Husband is a trooper. He has only asked once if anything was “optional.”
I knew Husband’s family and my family were very different from the moment he asked on, something like our second or third date, what I was doing for Christmas. I was only half way through my answer (the list was long) when his eyes started to glaze over. I do believe his sugar level dropped dangerously from all the activity he was imagining. (Good thing we were at dinner.)
Differing “family styles” have been on my mind a lot lately, thanks to the family invasion of late.
I am grateful to be able to see family who live in such far-flung locations. But, I also realize that Husband is thrown into family dynamics that are, well, dynamic. And, very, very different from his family’s make-up.
As a late bloomer bride, I assumed older age would mean adjusting to various family styles wouldn’t be so hard. I mean, we’ve adjusted to office mates and different work cultures over the years. How hard could family be?
Bwaha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! (To this day, I am amazed at the level of naiveté in which I swam, as a single person. I mean, I’m a college graduate with a successful business. How did I believe some of these things? Anyway…)
Husband’s family is quiet. Like sitting in the living room talking about “whatever” over tea. My family is, well, hmmm, how shall I explain?
Picture a leisurely Sunday afternoon with about a dozen people of varying ages engaged in a very loud game of pool baseball (literally, in the swimming pool), with someone setting off fireworks in the horse field — because it’s not dark yet and bonfire can’t be lit until it is — with the boom box spilling out Linkin Park or Barbara Streisand (take your pick because someone will inevitably try to change it when no one else is looking) causing someone else to be singing and dancing around said pool, all the while with yet another family member trying to drum up a game of pool telephone charades because pool baseball is so last year. All at once. Oh, and someone else is shouting saying let’s do [insert a very loud, physical activity] instead.
Throw in the different languages you’ll likely here at any given moment (German, French, Swiss-German, and English), and well, you better bring ear plugs or just give in. I usually just give in.
Husband has learned to give in, too. And, this is really, really something because the level of drama that occurs at my family in one night is about a decade’s worth of drama for Husband’s family. So, I must give him kudos for showing up at all. It must feel like jetting off to Mars sometimes. (Or, as my 10 year old niece once said, when you three – meaning her mom, myself and our other sister – get together, you scare me. Apparently we talk too much alike, causing much confusion.)
I am pretty sure that marrying someone later in life who is tolerant of a different “family style” is a pretty big key on the ole marriage keychain. Either that or buy a really big set of ear plugs.
