Archive for Finances
Gird Your Loins. Marriage and Taxes.
Posted by: | CommentsI am a word person. Always have been. You can play with them, re-order them, make them say all kinds of interesting and creative things. Numbers? Well, I only like them when they are really, really big, sitting in my checkbook not committed to anything in particular. Just waiting for me to log on to www.zappos.com.
Husband is a numbers person. Taxes, financials, accounting. He does it all. He likes to order them, file them, basically beat them into submission. I do believe I have married the only man on the planet who gets positively giddy when the UPS man delivers the new year’s tax code book. Seriously. See this?
That’s Husband holding the tax code. He is smiling, he says, because this rather thick book is filled with all kinds of goodies about deductions.
When Husband first brought up marriage with me, he quickly backtracked saying we should just live together. It’d be cheaper, he announced. He’s right. Marriage has not been kind to our tax status.
Recently, I came across an interesting article from the UK on how couples are wedding later in life. The line that got me was: The figures sparked, once again, a debate over whether married couples should enjoy tax breaks.
In the U.K., according to this article, it has been calculated that approximately 1.8 million low-earning couples are materially worse off than their single parent counterparts, losing on average £1,336 a year because they live together.
I made a huge mistake in mentioning this to Husband. (One thing you learn early in marriage is that timing is everything. You have to know when to bring up stuff.)
Mentioning this blog post, in development, gave him an excuse to rail about Congress, the current administration, the mounting national debt (or the national black hole), and how I still haven’t printed out some report form Quickbooks that he needs, like, yesterday.
But, this is not unusual. Every time tax time comes around, Husband grumbles about how much more money we’d make it we were just legally single and living together.
According to this year’s tax code, the marriage penalty starts, Husband says, somewhere between $86,000 and $137, 000 – jointly. Quite a spread. And, if we made the low end, well, we’d have to live with my mother. Forget being married.
The tax ramifications around marriage are different for every couple. So, just for grins, I googled.
- Marriage and Taxes from the Groom Grove (don’t ya just love that title)?
- Bad Tax Idea: Getting married without checking on the tax ramifications, by Profitable
- The Marriage Calculator: Financial Consequences of Marriage Decisions by the US Dept of Health & Human Services
- The Myth of the Marriage Penalty by Liz Pulliam Weston on MSN Money
- Getting Married by TurboTax
- Marriage Penalty: I don’t think so by Living Single blogger Bella DePaulo, published by Psychology Today
Read it and weep.
(Note to all readers: I am NOT giving out tax advice. You’ll need someone much smarter with numbers than me for that. Talk to your accountant.)
Shifting Financial Roles in Today’s Marriage
Posted by: | CommentsI’m not sure how I feel about this. A new report from Pew Research Center came out this month that shows Husbands around the country are making financial gains by being married. This is new, apparently. Wives are bringing bacon to the table like nobody’s business and men are, economically-speaking, the better for it.
Historically, women had to get married to reach certain economic thresholds. But, now due to women making their own money (and sometimes lots of it), they are actually adding to men’s financial status (versus the other way around). Also, as of December 2009, women account for 47.4% of the workforce – a new record.
Yeah, for us.
I am cheering inside that women are finally making gains in the workforce, being paid higher (though still not equal) wages, and having more choice than ever around career, motherhood and marriage. (Another threshold has been hit: a marked decline in the number of Americans who are married at all. Among U.S.-born 30- to 44-year-olds, 60% were married in 2007, compared with 84% in 1970. In other words – if you want to get married, go ahead. If you don’t, don’t.)
Another part of me grew worried about this economic trend. And, I think it has to do with the way the news is being reported. It all sounds like men and women are, once again, being pitted against one another. Like who is winning and who is losing, who brings the most and who doesn’t. Ick.
Don’t get me wrong. I was raised by a feminist (seriously – she was part of the League of Women Voters and everything). I appreciate the gains made in male-female relationships and roles. So do a lot of people – men included.
About million years ago (being facetious), my college poetry teacher talked about the women’s movement one day in class. He said he was so relieved. It meant the full burden of being the breadwinner, the strong one, the everything in a relationship was being lifted. He could finally share “the load.” At the time it sounded quite enlightened. (He was interested in my roommate at the time, so there may have been some other intentions there, too. But, I digress.)
However, I do believe, if I was single I would have heard this news in one way. (Again, yeah, for us.) Now that I’m married I hear this news under a different perspective. I am thinking – how can I make sure Husband – who also has heard of this news — continues to be empowered to 1) do fulfilling work and 2) bring home lots of bacon for it? I mean, I don’t want him to feel emasculated. (He tells me he’s not that delicate.) I also don’t want women to feel the pressure either. Something more equal would be nice. I really only want one leg of the marital pants – not the whole garment.
This Pew report was carried everywhere (newspapers, on Good Morning America, online, you name it). Some of the headlines simply talked about how marriage was becoming more equal, economically speaking. Other headlines were waving a flag like we’ve won a war or something. “Marriage Benefits Men More Than Women,” “The Rise of Wives,” “Modern Marriages: The Rise of the Sugar Mama,” and “Women’s Earning Power Shifts Economics of Marriage” to name a few.
In society we have rewarded men for their ambition. They must all want to be CEOs to be considered valuable. (Personally, I take issue with this. Ambition comes in all forms.) But, we may have created an impossible scenario for them, leading us to believe that this news (women actually adding to the marital pot of gold) is actually really, really big news. Not only should they all be CEOs, but they all should watch out because women are hot on their tails (economically speaking, that is).
I’m not so sure it’s nice to imply a group (in this case: men) are falling behind. And, that someone else is winning. I want equality, not overtaking.
Am I being oversensitive?
Below are some reports, research and commentary on this whole topic, if you’d like to read more:
- Pew Research Center Report: Women, Men and the New Economics of Marriage (executive summary)
- Women’s Earning Power Shifts Economics of Marriage (Discovery News)
- Marriage and Women Over 40 (New York Times Well blog, by Tara Parker-Pope)
- College Educated Women More Likely To Stay Married (Science News)
- She Works. They’re Happy. (New York Times, by Tara Parker-Pope)
- Four Wrong Assumptions About Women and Marriage (Jezebel, by Anna North)
- The Impact of the Current Economic Downturn on Women: Testimony to Joint Economic Committee (http://www.iwpr.org/pdf/B260jec.pdf) (by Heidi Hartmann, Ph.D.) (Note: 2005 research)
- Pepperdine Report on women and the labor force
Marital Gift Giving: ‘Tis the Season for Expectation Management
Posted by: | CommentsAh, ‘tis the season for making merry, singing carols, drinking liqueurs you normally wouldn’t touch, and giving presents.
The gift giving is one of my favorite parts. I love Christmas shopping. Always have. After all, we’re talking justified shopping. I love every aspect of it – the lights, the crammed shops, the hunt for that perfect something. Total glee.
Husband, on the other hand, positively, absolutely despises any kind of shopping. He complains every Christmastime that he doesn’t know what to give. (The fact that Husband has given me some of the most amazing presents I have ever received belies this angst. But, hey, you feel what you feel.)
As December creeps along, I begin to see the wrinkles start in Husband’s forehead as we draw nearer to December 25. Husband asks for my Christmas wish list. I oblige. I tell him the truth – I don’t care, as long as it comes from him. In fact, don’t get me anything. (Oh, but do get me a card. He gives the best cards.) Husband continues to worry. Nothing I say seems to matter.
Apparently – if you are Husband — giving your spouse that perfect little something can drive you mad.
I understand some of this. For one, when you are someone who has gotten married later in life, you have already filled your life with things you love. You’ve had a lot of earning years, not to mention physical years on the planet, to accumulate. So, your wants are fewer. This makes for an interesting conundrum around giving to your new spouse.
When older, three major “categories” of desires emerge. You are left with:
- Things you want. But, since you can afford it yourself, you just go buy it.
- Things you want. But, these wants are pricier and a little more luxurious so you hesitate to gift yourselves with such extravagance. (Like jewelry, for me.)
- The surprises. Things you didn’t even know you’d like but somehow someone saw it, thought you’d be into it, and gifted you with it. You’re thrilled.
So, really, you’re left with two and three. Category three freaks out Husband. He doesn’t like surprises and wants to know what will thrill me. Yes, this is a good thing. But, it also leaves us with category two, which makes me feel a bit greedy, needy and guilty. I mean the world is in economic chaos at the moment. Do I really need a diamond tennis bracelet? No. Want one. But, will live without it.
But, we’ve taken an oath of honesty – that we’ll tell each other the truth – so I hurl verbally provide Husband with the “A” list at first. (Or, now known as the four horses of the gift-giving apocalypse.)
- A puppy
- A house
- A diamond eternity ring
- A trip to Sweden
Not necessarily in that order, either.
I also feel guilty in this honesty. (Did I mention the economic chaos?) I tell him, I’ll live without any one of them, was not expecting him to deliver the entire list, and, really, he shouldn’t feel the need to stick to that list at all. To add to my remorse for providing such an extravagant set of desires, he e-mails me me for a Christmas wish list again. This means, List A didn’t pass muster. (Or, he didn’t think I was serious.)
So, I try to be realistic. I give him a list that spans the economic – and kindness — scale. I try to get creative when Husband asks what I’d like to receive as a gift. I suggest
- A “day of romance” (Can you hear Husband’s eye rolling on that one?)
- A day where we go to the Washington, DC Design Center to look at furniture (No buying required. However, I demand he finally point out what he means by a quality couch since after three years I’m still clueless as to what he is talking about.)
- Detailing my car
- A big coffee table book on Sweden
- Less expensive jewelry (I had to sneak that one in.)
I ask Husband what he would like from me. No answer. I’m left with figuring him out. But, I’m not worried. I can shop ‘til I drop.
I don’t hear back on this later wish list. This is a good sign. But, the silence kills me, and for some reason makes me feel even guiltier for asking for anything – because the worried brow is still there. So, I tell him don’t get me a present, which is where we started. I up the ante. I say, let’s not exchange presents at all.
But, then he also knows, no matter the good intentions, I won’t be able to stick to this. I’ll see something that’s perfect for Husband and be compelled to get it.
So, he continues to worry.
And, I continue to worry about him.
To make myself feel better I go Christmas shopping.
Women Earning More than Their Men Folk
Posted by: | CommentsI imagine this could easily be a scenario for a late bloomer bride. I mean, we had many years to do, well, whatever. And, that often included a focus on career. Usually without children (though not always). So, this article on women earning more than men, was really interesting to me.
Did you know that one third of women now out-earn their husbands? Given the number of board rooms I have visited in the last 30 days, I believe it. Women – no more the token conference room “art” – were big contributors to the discussion around the many meetings I’ve attended recently.
But rumor has it, when you get home is where the rubber meets the road. How one deals, domestically, with imbalances in paychecks is a hot topic these days. Of course, if the man makes more, then no one blinks an eyelash. But, if the woman hauls home a larger piece of the bacon, well, all kinds of psychological head-messing starts to emerge.
This article by Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D., thankfully, does not go into much hand-wringing over this issue. But, rather launches right into “what do to about it.” (Because, apparently, there is something to “do about it.”)
My favorite piece of advice included keeping in mind that the work load – not the players — is a common problem. This fits in nicely with my idea that when problems arise, you should view it as “you and me” against the problem to avoid being pitted against one another. So, if the woman is bringing home a bigger paycheck , the fact is the dishes still need get done. And, who does them shouldn’t have anything to do with salary. Figure out what needs to get done, and work together to see that it gets done.
Another sound piece of advice from this article is you should keep money out of “chore talk.” After all, both people – if they have full-time jobs – are working 40 hours a week at least. So, how much money one makes has less to do with what chores they should take on. Everyone should just pull their own weight. (So, YOU, over on the couch, it’s your turn to take the recycling.)
But, personally, I find the psychological aspects of this more daunting than the “who takes out the trash” part. I can hire someone to clean. (And, yes, of course we do. I’ve got better things to do than wand out the toilet bowl.)
Rather, I wonder about the psychological hit anyone (man or woman) takes when they bring home less money.
In the U.S., too often men are judged by the size of their paycheck. That is a hard burden to lift. And, we women who have married later in life are usually married to men who have lived with this idea for a while. Couple this (no pun intended) with the fact LBBs could easily be high-earners just by the simple fact we flew solo for a while (thereby giving us many opportunities and choices), and the probability of the woman earning more than the man grows exponentially. And, quite frankly, we aren’t about to put our light under a bushel.
(Before you launch into me, know that I think anyone should earn anything they want. I am an American capitalist, after all. I don’t care if you are male or female. Go for it. Just be legal. Oh, and give back.)
But, I would really like to hear what you do – either in practice or psychologically. ‘Cause I know some of you LBBs out there are wrestling with this issue. Do tell…
Money, Money, Money!* Must be Funny, in a Rich Man’s World…
Posted by: | CommentsFinances are a sticky-wicket for most LBBs. For one, we’ve made some money. But, so has the significant other. Combining our hard-earned cash was, well, a process. And, it should be.
If you’ve been the sole holder of the checkbook for a while, well, let’s just say, having it wrested from your grasp sharing it with someone else isn’t going to be the easiest thing you’ve ever done. Take it from this LBB…
Whether or not you got married at age 21 or 51, money is at the heart of many arguments according to the experts. Apparently, money is a number one reason why couples even break up for good.
A few resources for you if you are wrestling with how to join finances (as well as hands):
Six Financial Mistakes Couples Make
How Late Bloomers Marry Assets
The Pre-Nup Yes, you should have one. I don’t care if you arrived with just a suitcase of cute shoes. You want to be able to keep them. When Husband first brought up the idea of a pre-nup, I was sure the romance was over. But, now I am grateful. Cuz no one – and I mean no one — is gettin’ Grammie’s tea set but the descendants. And, besides with a third of working women nationwide now out-earning their husbands, you could end up being the one to pay alimony as easily as he is. And, who wants that?
*Money, Money, Money by Abba
Which Box Do I Check?
Posted by: | CommentsGiven I do 99 percent of the cooking (and cleaning up), the social calendar organizing, travel scheduling (we’re going to Munich and Barcelona in September!), and of course maid service scheduling, is it too much to ask Husband to tell me which box to check when the Old Workplace sends me 27 pages of who-knows-what asking where I’d like my old pension funds placed?
I found out last night that sometimes it is.
I realize that Suze Orman would have had my head. She believes all women should be able to do anything and everything financially related. And, when I was single I did. But, now that I’m married, is it wrong to want a little help? Isn’t that the point of getting married – you’re not in it alone?
Plus, Husband is Financial Genius. So, when Old Workplace says I have two weeks to tell them where to transfer the old pension plan, I naturally gravitate to Husband.
Last night I handed over the two pages that included about eight different options – boxes to check – to basically tell Old Bank where to deposit the funds, when and how. (The other 25 pages were to explain the options. Sure, I’m so much clearer now.)
Husband whipped up a new excel spread sheet to do whatever financial wizardry one does with excel. One hour later, he presented the options. Again, I asked, so which box do I check?
This apparently pushed him over the edge. Husband got immediately frustrated that 1) he had to spend an hour figuring this out at 9 p.m. and 2) I didn’t want to do this myself.
I gently reminded him that he is not the only one who does stuff around here.
Bad move.
We then got into a showdown of Who Does What. Quite frankly I thought I had him when I said, I planned the entire wedding and you just had to show up! He replied, sounds fair to me.
(Note to men everywhere: if you wish to remain married, that is not the right answer. “Showing up” may be half of marriage, but believing that is all you have to do is, well, asking to be single again.)
So, men, around the world, know this: just because we may have 20 years experience around doing stuff ourselves, we don’t always want to. Sometimes we really do want you to just tell us what box to check. (And, that way, men everywhere can stop complaining about older women – how we don’t need you.)
Husband redeemed himself. He did tell me which box to check. Problem solved. Funds transferred. Egos intact. Sigh.
Did You Remember To Ask About Retirement Upon Wedding Vows?
Posted by: | CommentsAccording to a recent Fidelity Survey, 80% of couples disagree about their retirement plans, making it a larger issue than politics, religion or household chores. (Okay, they might be biased). But, still, I kinda get it.
With the latest U.S. economic news and the dire predictions for the country’s superpower future, Husband recently surprised me by suggesting we might end up retiring outside the U.S. After I recovered from such an unusually bold statement from Husband, I naturally asked to where? He had no answer for that. But, it put me on alert that perhaps we hadn’t discussed our happy ending well enough. I mean was he talking Mexico village or Swiss chalet?
Getting married older means you probably arrived at the altar with some retirement plans of your own already simmering on the back brain cells. And, I have to be honest, learning a new language at age 75 so I could just buy some groceries was not being considered. I pictured the home we are supposed to be building as where we’d park ourselves for the duration. (I know how to get to Tysons Corner from here. And, I like it.)
However, Husband is clearly open to other living possibilities. And, it is directly linked to what’s-left-in-the-accounts-after-the-government-has-its-way-with-it. As in, if America becomes a country where more than 50% of the population is taking more out of the government than putting into it, we’re leavin’.
Well, am I? Do I get a say?
(By now you can guess, Husband is fiscally conservative. I am not, though I do save for retirement and have savings. But it’s nothing compared to Husband. I’m only hoping he is in a sharing mood when we are old and gray.)
How exactly does a couple determine where they land, anyway? It used to be the man’s job to declare the location of the home site. Women just had to clean it. But, now, well, it’s different. And, if you are an LBB, it’s really, really different. (We have maid service, for one.) Plus, couples nowadays tend to act with more equality, especially if you found each other after you already found yourself.
But, are retirement plans determined by who has the larger bank account? Or by whomever brings in the most cash flow on a monthly basis? Or is it something else? Hmmmm…. And, I ponder, is his retirement fund my retirement fund, and visa versa? Is this something we share evenly or do we start a list on the refrigerator of whose turn it is to buy the Metamucil?
Something to talk about…
