Archive for Husband Material
Funeral for a Friend: The T3
Posted by: | CommentsWe have had to abort the T3 Tourmaline 83808 Professional Featherweight Ceramic Ionic Hair Dryer resurrection attempt of yesterday. Time of death: 8:50 p.m.
A moment of silence, please.
After a valiant attempt at resuscitation, Husband could do no more to save my beloved friend. And, for the record, he refused to call the time of death. I had to. After hours of it being hooked up to his little gizmo to see if any electrical current was being had at all, I finally called it quits.
It turns out the problem wasn’t a short circuit, a bad switch or any of the other electronic components that Husband understands (but I am clueless to). The actual motor – probably $190 of the total $200 price – decided to save the life of a 99 cent circuit by blowing first. (Guess it just couldn’t handle the heat.)
Husband asked if I was going to buy a new one. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I “one-clicked” a new one hours before, and it was winging its way to our house now. (I guess shopping really was the answer.)
But, he did say “Good.” Because now we’ll have spare parts if the new one decides to blow.
He would like to consider the T3, now laid to rest in a box in the garage, a future “organ donor” (his words).
Like I said, marry a set of skills. It comes in handy.
Oh, and a sense of humor during tense hair moments.
P.S. Services will be held tonight in the main bathroom, as I unwrap the new T3 whisked to me by the miracle of overnight delivery, compliments of Amazon.com. The hair must go on.
On Agreement and A Hair Dryer
Posted by: | CommentsHusband and I had dinner with a few other couples Saturday night. Somehow it came up that, if I added up all the footwear I own — slippers, hiking boots, specialty dancing shoes, the works — it adds up to about 100 pair. At which point, a girlfriend of mine turned to her spouse and said “you are so lucky to be married to me.” She only has 30 pairs. He agreed to his luck.
This is an important anecdote because something else happened this morning, to which I needed to fess up yet another number to Husband.
This morning my $200 hair dryer blew up.
Well, not exactly blew up, but stopped working after making sputtering and hissing noises. And, I had just gotten started in the drying department. (My “extra” hair dryer – the one Husband believed I didn’t need – saved the day and finally earned the room it took up over the last two years.)
I have written before that women should be sure to take inventory of their man’s skills before saying “I Do.” This becomes imperative in the LBB world. We have lots of uses for skills. Thankfully, today Husband’s electronic skills (he has his electronic engineering degree from Georgia Tech) came in handy.
(Right now, I am acutely aware that the women are still with me at this point. But, the men? They are still stuck on the number after the dollar sign above. Right now all the men reading this are thanking the universe that they are not married to me. $200 for a blow dryer?
Yes. It’s a good one. A T3 Tourmaline 83808 Professional Featherweight Ceramic Ionic Hair Dryer.)
Husband believes he can resurrect the T3, now that he knows its price tag.
When I came home after work tonight, spewed across our kitchen table, was a soldering iron and a plethora of electronic bits and pieces surrounding my hair dryer corpse, now laid open like an autopsy was being performed. Do you have idea what the inside of a blow dryer looks like? It’s like a cyborg.
But, more importantly, I also realize how this is a rare occasion. Where a man and a woman were agreeing upon something without negotiation, conciliation, or the Imago Relationship Couples Dialogue. Bottom line, a $200 hair dryer deserves saving. Ah, the little things.
P.S. I notice that Amazon.com is having a T3 sale. It’s down to $109. Husband does not believe this price reduction is enough to abort the resurrection, however, and for once I agree that shopping may not be the answer.
Other Fun Blogs, Lots of (Really Good) Relationship Advice
Posted by: | CommentsI read. A lot. I’ve come across some terrific bloggers (and other sites) who have interesting perspectives, ask good questions, and provide healthy advice. Below is a very short list of some I’ve come to know and love.
- A Simple Marriage A sample blog post: How To Improve Marriage And Slow Down Life At The Same Time (Terrific advice)
- Moving From Me to We A sample blog post: The Forgotten First Step for Connecting (When self reliance can cause disconnection)
- Luvem or Leavem A sample blog post: Smart Women and Relationships (Good advice here, especially for the very successful)
- His Point of View A sample blog post: Can Your Accomplishments Cause Loneliness? (Something we LBBs struggle with)
- The Love Engineer A sample blog post: Dating After Divorce? Two Words for Ya (Funny!)
- A Good Husband A sample blog post: A New Year’s Resolution for My Marriage (Everyone, sigh with me in pure admiration for this post)
- The Guy’s Perspective A sample blog posting: Part 1: Three Guys on Cheating (You really should read the other two, as well)
- Nandoism A sample blog post: Do You Deserve a Relationship? (We have all had these thoughts)
- Your Tango A sample blog post: 10 Things Happy Couples Talk About (A few surprises here)
Anyone have others they like?
Marriage: Makes Life Interesting? Or Adds to Happiness?
Posted by: | CommentsPenelope Trunk’s blog, Brazen Careerist, gives a very interesting perspective on life. Her recent posts on happiness – the definition of it, the desire for it, and the overall pursuit of it – got me thinking about marriage, especially the “later in life” kind.
Trunk believes that people fall into two categories: those people who pursue a happy life and those people who pursue an interesting life.
I took her test in her latest blog post: Test: Is your life happy or interesting? I came out as someone who wanted to be interesting more than happy.
Her premise about happiness versus interesting made me ponder about why we get married. Do we get married because we believe it will make us happy? Or, do we commit to one person because we think it add to the “interesting-ness” of our lives?
I think women who marry later in life may be looking for a life that is more remarkable than content. And, their marital partners are committed to the same. Here’s why.
For most of us, we tend to fall into two categories around marriage: those who really want to just be married and those who want to be married to a specific type of person. Late bloomer brides (LBBs) tend to always fall in the latter category. This doesn’t mean those who got married earlier in life just settled for “whomever.” But, early marriages could be either category. LBBs definitely are in the second group and rarely in the first.
Why?
1. LBBs look for “the one.” Almost all the late bloomer brides I have come to know seem to have waited to marry someone they felt was “right.” They weren’t willing to “settle” for anyone who just popped the question or someone they could just live with. They weren’t looking for someone to make them happy or complete their life. They could do that on their own. Rather, they were holding out for someone they couldn’t live without – someone who interests them more days than not. Finding that person takes some time. Hence, the after 40 part.
2. LBBs have high standards. We explored, investigated, searched. In the meantime, we still had lots of time to ourselves. We had time to make career moves, travel, figure out favorite shoe stores, cities, breakfast foods — all by our lonesomes. We became more interesting as people because of it. Thus, the bar for a partner is raised. We want to be with people who have done things, too. We need someone who is very interesting to us.
3. LBBs will never be shackled again. When I was 10 years old, I distinctly remember having moments of absolute desperation to get somewhere – anywhere but there. I was held captive spent my childhood in a very small country town, with no money, and bound to do what all kids do – go to the same school building to sit, learn and listen for hours and hours and hours on end. I knew there was stuff going on Out There. And, I was being kept from it.
And, you know what? I was right.
There was a lot going on Out There. And, it was very, very interesting. The first week out of college felt like I had been let out of prison. And, I wasn’t going back. So, I was bound and determined not to be committed to another’s life until I was ready. I suspect many women who wait until after age 40 to get married have a similar tale to tell.
4. LBBs enjoy the journey as much as the destination. Our 20s and 30s are filled with exploring – again, career, travel, friends, experiences, hobbies, you name it. And, if a guy wanted to come along that was great. But, for the most part, we were more committed to the journey than committed to just settling down. It’s not that we aren’t goal oriented. It’s just that there is a lot of interesting scenery and pit-stops to take in. We don’t want to miss anything.
So, why would a woman who has high standards, be wary of being “shackled,” and who loves the voyage choose to get married? Because Husband was more interesting than all of that. And, he wants to do interesting things. Having an interesting life makes this LBB happy.
(Note to younger married peeps everywhere: if you got married early in life, this does not mean you are not an interesting person. For all I know, you met your soul mate in high school and still went on to all manners of interestingness that we all can only dream about.)
Twenty-Nine Percent of Women Spend More Time Looking for Shoes Than a Life-Long Partner?
Posted by: | CommentsThe Love Engineer blog recently published some interesting facts about men, women and relationships. One long list of stats, this post includes some real surprises (see the reference to shoes below). A few highlights:
- 44% of all American adults are single. I would have thought that number would be much, much lower. But, this means all you singles out there looking for love, well, the playing field is wider than you thought. But, know that, according to this list that, for every 100 single women in the U.S. there are also “just” 86 single men.
- 8 out of 10 single people think the first kiss is a good indication of how the rest of the relationship will be. I happen to believe this one. So, get out those breath mints.
- 29% of women spend more time looking for shoes than a life long partner. Really? I mean, I like shoes and all…
- Worldwide, women prefer to marry men who are older than they are and vice versa. In Finland, Sweden and Norway the man is 1-2 years older. (Another reason to love Scandinavia.) In Nigeria, 6.5 years older. In Zambia, 7.5 years older.
- In the US, men in their 30s prefer a woman 5 years younger; in their 50s, a woman 10-20 years younger. In the US, on average in the first marriage, the man is 3 years older; in the second marriage 5 years older; in the third marriage, 8 years older. Surprise, surprise.
- Also, the #1 cause of divorce worldwide is infidelity. But, the #2 cause of divorce worldwide is infertility. (I suspect certain countries that-shall-remain-nameless are responsible for this one). The #3 cause of divorce worldwide is unkindness. So, play nice.
An LBB’s Advice in Finding Love: Seek Happiness First, Then A Mate
Posted by: | CommentsNow and again, I get a reader who writes to me asking for advice on how to land a man. (Yes, the word “land” is usually used.) They are less interested in what I’ve discovered about marriage, and more interested in how to get in the game themselves. Apparently, my getting married after age 40 for the first time, means somehow I know something.
So, I share what I know and hope they can avoid the bazillion many mistakes I made along the way.
For more than 20 years, I dated, loved, co-habitated (briefly), searched for (and systemically gave up on), pined for, cried over, lusted for, laughed with, and generally hung out with, lots of guys. I had nine serious boyfriends before I got married. Most of them were one year- to two year-long relationships. My friend Y called me a “man trainer,” because a few of them got married right after me (one of them, eloped the next day with someone he neglected to tell me he was also seeing).
So, you could say I learned a lot. But, in typical late bloomer fashion, it took me a while to really get it.
If I could go back in time and start dating all over again, below is the advice I would give myself if I was seeking to get married all over again. (I only hope that I would have listened.)
First, ask yourself something. Are you sure you want to be married? Because just “landing” someone is easy. Landing someone you want to stick around – to the bitter end — is a whole other ball game.
Secondly, know that once married you are going to have to share everything. This means from the bed to the remote control, from the food to your time. If you like having most things to yourself, your husband will quickly begin to feel an interloper. Consider what daily life might look like when married.
Now, do you want to be a wife (versus just being a mother or seeking a father figure or sugar daddy)? Everyone has a different version of what “being a wife” means, but the general rules apply – you’ll be faithful, tend to his needs (and hopefully, he’ll do the same), believe in his dreams, be physically attracted to him, generally like him, and are committed to a future with him. Ya know, the basics. Does a “wife” role — regardless of your definition — appeal to you? Because, if you really just want someone who will help out around the house, do your taxes, change your oil, etc. – hire people. It’s less trouble, trust me.
Also, if you’re just looking for a regular sex partner – find yourself a playmate. ‘Cause husbands don’t leave after the deed. So, you better have something to say (and feel) about the person afterward.
So, still ready? Well, okay, then. Get in the game. A few words of wisdom:
- Vet often, vet early. Men usually tell you who they are right away. Believe them. And, you decide if they are either in or out. Choose.
- Is he “coming at” you? Men who do not seem interested, well, they aren’t. Men either want you or they don’t. You will know. Don’t waste your time on anyone who isn’t interested. The theory born from the HBO show, Sex and the City, which tried to show women that oftentimes “he’s just not that into you,” is truth.
- Look for a man who wants to be a husband – not just someone who wants a wife, or heaven forbid, a mother. (See “do you really want to be a wife” above.)
- Find out right away how he feels about his mother. His mother was his first female relationship, and it colors most future ones. If he loves her, great. If he still has the apron strings firmly tied around his butt, walk away. If he hates her, run. Fast.
- Does he want to make you happy? (No one can make you happy, but it doesn’t hurt to have someone wanting to contribute.)
- Is he happy? Warning: Do not — I repeat — do not start a relationship with someone who is addicted to misery. They will not be happy until you are not.
- Will you allow yourself to be affected by him? And, will he allow you to affect him? Read: Change. I know all about “accepting people for who they are,” but you might as well marry a rock if your guy is immoveable and inflexible. Same goes for you.
- How’s his sense of humor? You’re gonna need a big one to stay married. Being “heavy and significant” all the time is just plain annoying.
- Does he take care of himself? This is a big clue for what his future health might hold, as well as how he will take care of you.
- How does he feel about aging? Does he make it known he pines for a Victoria’s Secret model someday? Will he still find you attractive in sweats? You don’t really need me to explain these last questions, do you? You know what to do here.
So, go forth and discover. Just remember – wherever you are in your marital status, seek happiness first. Then, someone to share it with.
Stepchildren – A Window into a Future Husband?
Posted by: | CommentsI am not an expert on children. I did not have children myself.
(I’d like to take a moment of gratitude for my two sisters who had two children each, satisfying the grandparents, and, therefore, leaving me at peace. Praise the Lord and Amen.)
Instead, I married a man who had children. Well, they aren’t kids exactly. They were both X-box playing, pizza-downing teenagers when I met Husband.
I got lucky. Really lucky with my two stepsons. They were, have always been, and continue to be, polite and nice to me. In fact, Father remarked the first time he met these then-teenage boys how much he admired their manners and adult-like engagement with the mostly-adult crowd.
And, it was kind of a bonus that Stepson Number Two and I share the same musical tastes. He’s given me some great mix CDs, much to the chagrin of Husband who does not appreciate Linkin Park the way I and his son do.
So, I add this to the list of things for LBBs to consider – how are his kids? Because, his children can tell you a lot about your spouse.
How they were raised (and what stuck) gives you a little peek into what’s important to Husband and how they probably treat people. I mean, children don’t raise themselves. I know all about the “firm-ware” that comes with people – traits that they genetically inherit apparently. But, for the most part, we all know that the relationships between children and parents directly color their prowess in dealing with others. So, wouldn’t it make sense that the way children relate to others (namely – YOU) says a lot about how husband would relate to you?
P.S. I may regret not having children someday, but I wasn’t about to squeeze a baby into my 500 square foot condo back during my fertile days and do “all that” by.my.self. I held out for a man who wanted to have children with me – and who’d move me into larger space (still waiting). By the time I met Husband it was just.too.late. Ah, well. C’est la vie.
I Chose Husband For His Smell?
Posted by: | CommentsWith all the talk about H1N1 virus (have you gotten your flu shot yet?), it seems fitting to talk about the real reason we end up together – our germs. At least that’s what Discovery News will have us believe. Technology is being developed to match people up based on their immune system – and how they smell. Apparently, this is important stuff. (At least to a group of investors seeking to set up a new dating service.)
According to the companies highlighted in this article, research shows a person’s odor tells you – however subtly – if their immune system matches yours or not. If it’s a match, you are less likely to be a fit. This is because you need someone whose immune system is, well, different. In other words, their immune system needs to fill in your immune system’s gaps. As in, you complete me. Just like Jerry McGuire said. (See? I can find romance in anything – including combative immune systems.)
If your immune system is too similar, that’s not good. You need their germs. And, there you have it. The real reason we end up with Mr. or Mrs. Right. How they smell.
So, everyone, put down that cologne. Let your true self shine through.
P.S. I don’t know if this research is right, but I always did feel, when I was dating, that if a person smelled “right” they had potential. Oh, go on. Admit it. When you were dating you could tell by how they smelled – good or just “off” – as to whether or not they’d be “right.”
Scandinavia—Land of My Peeps
Posted by: | CommentsFor some reason the Universe keeps pointing me East. Not to the Far East. No, it’s telling me to stop far short of that. It’s whispering Scandinavia.
Everywhere I turn I am seeing, hearing, reading things about Scandinavia, especially Sweden and Denmark. So Husband and I are planning (okay, well, I am planning for us) a vacation to Sweden sometime in the next 12 months. Because, I obey the universe when it calls. Plus, how could you not want to visit the part of the world that invented the sauna, the smorgasbord (pickled herring aside), ABBA and the Nobel Peace prize?
It also appears, this is the land of my people. My LBB peeps.
Oprah recently did a show* — guys, stay with me here – taking a look at how women live in different countries. She (but mostly her crew) travelled from Denmark to Rio, from Tokyo to Dubai, to take a peek into the daily lives of families in each of these very different places. Naturally, she started with Denmark as she recently was there to help lobby for the next Olympic games to be held in Chicago (in case you haven’t heard, Rio won the bid). She was struck at how happy everyone seemed to be. A show was born.
Did you know the happiest people in the world are in Denmark**? The women I saw from there on Oprah’s show were positively glowing.
Interestingly, this country has a lot of late bloomer brides. In reality, “late bloomer” probably isn’t even a concept there. But, they do get married later or not at all. In fact, marriage is slowly going out of fashion all over Scandinavia, according to my (very unscientific Google) research.
As what one Danish woman interviewed on Oprah said, getting married isn’t a goal in Denmark. Rather, finding the right mate is. (And, we all know at least one friend in the U.S. who seemed more interested in the wedding than the marriage.)
At the same time, Scandinavians appear to have a very strong commitment to family. It’s just the paper-between-each-other-thing that has been viewed as, well, not always that necessary. What constitutes a family in Scandinavia is based on parenthood, not marriage. (Sixty percent of first-born children in Denmark have unmarried parents, according to this Weekly Standard article***.)
If you are an American woman over the age of 35, there was a high likelihood it was drilled into your head that in order to be “complete” you must get married — preferably as soon as possible. It’s a societal directive that is hard to shake. And, this silent command has put lots of women in unhappy positions**** – like working themselves to death between the office, the nursery and the home.
So, feeling the pressure? Consider Scandinavia. (Just don’t blame me about the taxes.)
P.S. Father (as in my father) is wondering how I am going to handle the famous Scandinavian cold when we arrive in Sweden. As the family geneologist, he says we have Viking in our background so he understands the pull (but that somehow my blood was corrupted along the way with my aversion to the cold). Simple, really. I plan on spending much quality time in the saunas, of which I am promised exist every 10 feet.
P.S.S. Very interesting articles on the subjects above:
*Women Around the World by Oprah and her army
**Denmark: The Happiest Place on earth, report by ABC News
***The End of Marriage in Scandinavia by Stanley Kurtz
****The Real Reason American Women Are So Unhappy by Sharon Lerner
Learning About Men. From Traveling.
Posted by: | CommentsYou can learn a lot about men by traveling with them. Traveling with Husband is vastly different from going somewhere with girlfriends (my main travel companions when I was single for all those years). So, I was quite naïve, being the LBB, when it came to what to expect when traveling with a member of the opposite sex. (I had weekend trips with boyfriends, of course. But, it’s just not the same,either.)
For one, you don’t have to fight with your girlfriends about taking a taxi to the cool restaurant. This is because they are wearing heels, too. They also understand that the cute outfit you lovingly packed and schlepped across the Atlantic Ocean clashes horribly with the subway train. Husbands do not get the big deal around this.
(Lest you think I am a wuss, I believe in public transportation during sightseeing and the greater the hiking, climbing and stair-climbing the better. It’s hard enough to get a workout in during travel. You might as well get it in during cathedral hopping.)
In general, Husband and I travel well together (provided we don’t ever enter France. We had a bad experience in Charles de Galle airport. Or, shall I say, a series of bad encounters. Enough said.)
Traveling well together is a very good thing, too. Because there is a long list of romantic (and some too scary to go to without a man) places I am dying to visit. And, with Husband, I also get help with my bags, money exchange, and other romantic things not PG enough to mention here.
But, nothing will test your marriage mettle like international travel (house-building, aside). Our destinations are always fabulous. But, getting from point A to B can be taxing.
My sister says the best travelers are those comfortable with uncertainty. Add the following items and you’ve got an ordeal ahead of you: sleep deprivation, snotty French guards people tired of dealing with the international public all day, negotiations over who sits in the middle seat on the red-eye, dehydration, different languages, culture and people, differing ideas of what constitutes adequate guest space, exchange rates, and I won’t even go into airline food because comedians all over the world have it covered.
So, I put on the list of things all LBBs must do before they get married – travel internationally with Mr. Potential Husband. All kinds of things come up that are telling.
For example:
- Does he do well with the unexpected? (My sister says the best traveler understand that nothing ever goes as planned. Period.)
- How well does he do in long lines? (Patience is a virtue. And, this comes in handy when he has to wait for us for just about anything.)
- Will he make you take the middle seat every time when flying “trans-atlantically”? (To me, this is a sign of chauvinism if he insists the woman must always sit in the middle. A friend of mine lovingly dubbed the middle seat the “sausage seat.” So, what are we, chopped liver?)
- How does he deal with the snotty French guards persons of authority who clearly are so over dealing with the public? (This is yet another sign of how he might deal with, say, moments of weakness we might display when woken up too early.)
- Does he understand the cardinal rule of traveling? Thou can only be cranky if the other person isn’t. One at a time, please. And, yes, this goes for us, too.
- Does he offer to help you with your bag, even if it weighs a ton? (I say if he does this willingly, a knight exists in there somewhere.)
- Does he make a mad dash for Customs, leaving you in the dust? (The answer to this one doesn’t even require explaining.)
- Will he consult a map when you’re deep in the maze of Barcelona’s gothic district? (Enough said there, too.)
- Does he understand the importance of food and watering during long treks around cities and country sides? (Offers to stop at cafes now and again for replenishment are another caring sign.)
- And, last but not least, does he roll his eyes when you want to buy those great Italians boots in the highway robbery very expensive airport shop in Rome? (So long as it is your money, who cares?)
What other things would you add to the list? Do tell!
