1. Remember who you are. Some say you are the sum of your experiences. This one experience, however, does not dictate who you are. It can be tempting to beat yourself up over being a willing – albeit blind — party to such a mess. But, it doesn’t mean you are a failure. Remind yourself of all the good in you. You’re going to need all the self-esteem and courage you can muster.
2. If the con went beyond the emotional and involves the loss of money and property, file a police report. (Similarly, if you met this person on an online dating service, let them know what happpened, as well.) They might just be able to find him or her, or have a record of this person. And, it just could save the next victim. The police might not want to file a report. Do not accept answers such as “this will be impossible to prove” or “we will never catch him/her.” Rather, insist. At the same time, do your homework and check out the law in your state on fraud and shams. The more these crimes are reported, the harder it will be for the cons to get away with these things next time.
3. Get support. Lean on friends and family to get the emotional support to deal with the wreckage left behind. Talk it out. Ask for help. You don’t need to recover alone. You may be embarrassed and ashamed. The people who love you will not judge you. Rather, if they are true friends, they will be angry and hurt with you.
4. Use this an opportunity to detox your life. We all have people in our lives who aren’t the most supportive of people. They will reveal themselves right away once they learn of your misfortune. They might go so far as to ask you, “What were you thinking? How could you be so stupid?” Consider this a gift. They just showed you who they really are. And, you don’t need them. You’ll find out who your real friends are as you attempt to recover. Embrace them. Let go of the toxic people.
5. But, do ask yourself how this could have happened. I know the “lawn mower of love” quite well. It mows those red flags right down. I’ve driven a few of them myself. Now is a time to look back and see where those clues and hints emerged that showed things were not really as they seemed. Identify them and use them as lessons to, next time, see people as they really are over their potential. Know that you will be the wiser when someone presents himself or herself as someone who is too good to be true or not quite telling the whole story.
6. Make progress every day, no matter how small. Know that recovery will take some time. But, as long as you put one foot in front of the other and you can say today was a little bit better (even if just meant you got dressed), count that as a good day. Small wins add up to a larger victory – a life back on track, happy and healthy.

I am here to tell you that no one – and I mean no one – is immune from a really, really good grifter. So, guess again if you think you could have done better.

Yes, there are red flags. There always are. But, I defy any woman to be able to deflect the attention, admiration and affinity that is showered upon you by a real hustler similar to Twilight’s imprinting fantasy. They know exactly how to get in and get out.

Caption: Angelica Huston, John Cusack and Annette Benning in the film, The Grifters.

My brush with a flim flam artist was in 1999. His name is Ron (so beware, ladies), and he had a history of moving in with a new woman every 2 years, draining her of her resources (she pays for everything from rent to vacations), self esteem and hope.

I lasted 9 months, living with this guy who ever so slowly transferred all the bills to my responsibility, all the while letting me know that every move I made “wasn’t quite right” and that I needed to “learn to be with a man,” because clearly, I didn’t “know shit” about relationships. So, I worked from home (clue number one: encouraging me to isolate myself), so I could make all 3 meals for him to prove I was a “real woman” (clue number two: telling me how “real women” behave and clearly I didn’t know how).

If you are a single woman over age 35, you are the ideal target for said bamboozler. You probably have resources, are seeking a mate, and prone to listening to any and all compliments because they get fewer and fewer as you age. Scam artists know how to let older women feel seen.

I was 36 when I met Ron. I was ripe for such a scenario, but not because I was stupid. I was vulnerable because I was starving for a guy to change my life. And, he had all the right answers.

Move to Asheville and become an artist.
I think I was sent to rescue you.
You are so wonderful. What are you doing here?
All the people around you just don’t get you, don’t get how special you are.

Yes, I was an idiot.

After dumping my job, my condo, and my life in the Washington, DC area to move to Asheville, NC to start a dream life with this guy, I discovered he had spent time in jail (for assault), been married four times, and may or may not have a son in Germany. (She fled the country with said baby after discovering who he really was. Good woman.) This was the man who presented a list of plastic surgeries I should have so skillfully that I contemplated all of them. (I did not.) This was the man who threw a closet door across the room because I tried to wake him to stop his snoring. That was on a Monday. On Thursday, I left. It took just four days to move myself, my business and my stuff out.

Once I escaped, he owed me $3,400. I got off cheaply. But, I did not escape from being so emotionally and spiritually drained (and embarrassed) that I fled to my mother’s house, where I lived for 18 months until I could face the world again.

For those of you think you are immune, I still give you the list of things to watch for. You may think you are exempt from such an experience. I know I did. But, here it is just in case.

Clues He Could Be Conning You

1. He asks for money. Or, he allows you to spend your money while he does not spend his. This may seem to be a no-brainer. But, they generally start by “forgetting” their wallets, asking for a few dollars here and there, not being willing to put their name in anything that you jointly share, paying cash for things that one would normally pay with a credit card (a hotel room, for instance) and just not having any so you are left to pay for things from the rent to trips, from food to gas. Be especially careful of the men who cry poor but who have great idea of things to do together that you will end up paying for.

2. He is just too much, too fast, or what I call The Rusher. I have always said you know when a man is “into” you. He will move mountains to spend time with you. This is not what I am talking about. I am talking about him pushing that you move in together, have you change or quit your job so he can “take care of you,” talking about babies, talking about travelling extensively, and more, all way earlier than you could ever expect. You get the idea.

3. Things just do not compute. Like, he says he lived in Ohio, but later he talks about his time in California and the timeline just doesn’t add up. Or, he had a job somewhere but at the same time, wasn’t he touring the Mediterranean? You can’t seem to get a handle on his past.

4. He travels light and says all his stuff is “in storage.” Well, it might be. But, if it appears he living out of a suitcase, there has to be a significant reason for this and not just that he wants to “travel light.” What is it?

5. He displays ethical ambiguity. You’re watching a movie and he makes excuses for the villain. Something happens at work or with one of your friends and when you talk about it with him he appears to try to convince you that your perspective is wrong. He is always trying to get you to sympathize with someone who clearly has questionable values or morals. This also shows up as him acting like it is okay for him to do certain things, but it is not okay for other people to do the same.

6. You grow doubtful about almost everything — or at least about things that are important to you. I don’t mean you doubt him. No, I mean you doubt yourself and his opinions become more important than your own. You don’t know what to think unless he weighs in. You used to feel more confident and centered, but now feel a bit unbalanced and question your opinions and even sometimes your core values.

7. You don’t meet any of his friends or family. He keeps you away from anyone who “knows him.” Or, worse, you meet just one friend who goes on and on about how wonderful he is (likely a fellow con man or con woman). He also wants to isolate you from your friends. He says, They can’t possibly understand the special nature of our relationship, can they?

There is more, but that’s a good start.

Most men you meet are wonderful people. A few are jerks. And, a very small percentage are hustlers. May you never meet one of the latter guys. Or, if you do, may you be armed.

Other Resources:
• Liars & Cheaters R Us. A whole web site devoted to reporting lairs and cheaters, so other women can be warned.

• Con Man’s Game: How One Woman Lost Everything in a Relationship (Yahoo! Voices)

• How to Avoid Dating A Con Man. (Dating Online)

• Con-man Charged in Rape of Russian Woman in NYC (Staying Safe Abroad)

• 5 Tips for Spotting a Con Man (eHarmony)

• Beware of the Con Artist (Straight Shooter)

I started this blog out of desperation need, when I discovered so few resources on getting married for the first time later in life (read: over age 40). Most of the advice I found on relationships were geared toward

• women seeking a man
• people seeking their second spouse
• people trying to get the spark back after 20 years of marriage, kids and a mountain of poopy diapers and bills

In other words, not me. Now after six years of marriage, I realize there actually is quite a lot more “they” don’t tell you about this kind of relationship. Below are six things I’ve learned that I have yet to see explored deeply (or I’m not looking hard enough).

1. It takes a few years to feel married. I mean you spend a year planning for a few-hour event called The Wedding. Then, after you say the vows before the priest, rabbi or justice of the peace or whoever, you are supposedly, magically meant to feel different? It’s kind of like turning 21. It happens, you drink a lot, and then you wake up feeling kind of the same.

It took me at least four years to truly feel married. The “feeling” of being married comes in a few forms: there is an automatic checking-in thing that happens, I don’t worry about looking attractive to other men, and I am concerned about Husband all the time. It’s like everything I do or think considers this other person. It took about four years to really get there.

2. To have a good marriage you have to spend time together. This may mean endless nights of sitting  on the couch with him, as he watches the news, surfs on his laptop and talks on the phone all at once. I figured it didn’t matter if I was there or not. But, when I wasn’t there a lot, Husband got cranky. Somehow just being there is important. (Note: If you want to still go to dance class every night of the week, jet off to NYC friends whenever, and not worry about what time you’ll get home after work, take a lover not a husband.) Husbands require physical presence. So, marry one you like to spend a lot of time with.

3. Being nice to each other is important.  It’s easy to get really lazy here. Don’t. If you are more polite to the Fed Ex man that you are to your spouse, see number two above.

4. Make sure you’re having enough sex. Do not let this slip. (Right now all the single men and ladies are saying to their computer screen, What? Are you kidding me? That will never be a problem for me.) Uh, right. You will be shocked –shocked, I tell you — at how easy it is to just tell him or yourself tomorrow night, honey, I’m too tired right now. Sex is the difference between rooming with a friend and being married. Make it happen.

5. Have an inside joke. This can be anything that is just between you and him (or her). It should be personal and unexplainable to others. (Note: Do not try to explain it to others. It ceases to be powerful. Plus, they won’t get it.) Keep it sacred. Keep it between you both.

6. It’s okay to not feel like you’ll die if you don’t get to see him/her. In other words, it’s okay to want to be apart or lose that pining feeling. But, when you do, you should still like him (or her). If you don’t, you’re sunk. Likability is key to longlasting. Lust is very short term. Love is like waves – comes and goes throughout the day. Okay, that was really bad writing at the end. But, you get my drift, er wave.

So, next!

But, there are just sooooo many to choose from. I am way behind my E! Television watching, so I don’t know all the gossip. And, quite frankly, I haven’t done too well selecting my fantasy husband by my lonesome.

(Fair warning: I take no responsibility for any hyperventilating, hot flashes or symptoms that send you to the hospital from this point forward.)

The eight front runners, in no particular order:

1. Alexander Skarsgard
2. Edward Norton
3. Colin Firth
4. Adam Levine
5. Denzel Washington
6. Hugh Jackman
7. Ryan Reynolds
8. Gerard Butler

First, there is Alexander Skarsgard, Sweden’s gift to all women kind. Even as Eric the vampire sheriff – all pale and bloodthirsty - he’s hot. I’d let him bite me anytime. I am sure Kate Bosworth won’t mind sharing, right?

Edward Norton? What? Too intense, maybe?

But, then, what about Colin Firth? Yeah, maybe too English. Oh, but that smile.

And, have you gotten a load of Adam Levine? Yes, he has full tattoo sleeves. But HolyHellToTheEyes, says my friend Holly. Plus, he can sing. (Who cares if he’s with a Victoria’s Secret model. What’s she got on me? Bwaha-ha-ha-ha!)

Denzel Washington. Do I even need to justify his place on the list? If Denzel walked into the room I am sure my clothes would fall off. No tequila needed.

Hugh Jackman. HolyMotherOfAllThatIsLustful. He can sing. He can act. He can dance. And, I’m pretty sure he can hold a conversation. In fact, my clothes are threatening to blow off right now. (Sorry Denzel.)

Ryan Reynolds. Four words. What was Scarlett thinking? Dumping such a hottie back into the market may be the stupidest move she’s made to date. But, hey, more for me.

Gerard Butler never made gladiators appear so hot. (Sorry Russell.) You haven’t seen the movie 300? Oh, lordy, go to your Netflix que right now and add it to the number one spot.

Still with me? Still breathing? Good. So, who else should be on the list?

First, know that I’m not allowed to touch Daniel Craig as he is the Zadge’s. (I never glom onto another’s fantasy husband. I have my morals.) Plus someone had the stupidity to make him into a popsicle recently and, quite frankly, they cast the wrong half of him.

You can forget Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Brad Pitt (who is NOT aging well), and Matthew McConaughey (already spoken for by my friend Clare). Just not my types. But, other than that, I am all ears.

Oh, choices, choices.

So, here’s my advice to anyone who wonders who they should marry. Marry someone who understands that spending six hours helping you resusitate a laptop is a good use of time.

It started out like an ordinary day. Get up. Turn on the computer.

Wait, what’s that error message? Oh, you won’t let me in? No way, no how?

I literally drag Husband from his shower to beat my laptop back into submission. He has technical skills like that.

Except this time, said laptop wasn’t feeling it. So he went to work devising a technical band-aid thingee that involved dragging and copying my most-treasured files to another user profile (don’t ask me what this is all about), so I could at least get in. My hard drive is now officially full. Husband spent six hours attempting to make my laptop semi-useable.

(Yes, I’m shopping for a new one now. Husband is leaving for a three day trip tomorrow and that means it will start on fire as soon as his plane takes off. It likes to piss me off like that when he is away.)

Then, I discover the bank-who-shall-remain-nameless had messed up our house loan and it was going to delay things. Again.

And, a client-who-shall-remain-nameless owes me tons of money and didn’t send it like they said.

To add insult to injury, I headed to the gym to work off some steam (and burn off the chocolate I ate to deal with the stress) only to notice half way through my work out that I had my Lululemon yoga pants on backwards. I’m surprised my ass fit into what is supposed to be the front panel.

Then, I go for some post-workout wine (after the day I had? You better believe it) only to break the cork.

So, I did what any grown woman would do. I switched to hard liquor. And, funny, how vodka can turn a Tuesday into a Wednesday like magic. And, that’s another piece of advice you can take to the bank.