Archive for Logistics
The Little, But Surprising, Things We Give Up Once Married
Posted by: | CommentsOne of the hardest thing I ever did once married was give up my own car insurance. I am now on Husband’s policy.
Somewhere in my subconscious I equated my car insurance (which I had with one company for more than 20 years and of which I was an “elite member”) as the hallmark of freedom I received when I could first learn to drive. Insurance=mobility.
Transportation was a prized ability where I grew up. When you lived on a horse farm out in God’s country, like I did, you wanted to be able to leave it now and again. (And, taking a horse to meet friends wasn’t allowed.) Getting my driver’s license – and subsequent insurance, which I paid myself from the get-go (unlike so many kids now-a-days) – was my ticket to freedom.
I recall vividly when Husband asked two months after we were married, why don’t you just dump [[nameless insurance company]] and go on my policy? It’s cheaper. (And, it was waaay cheaper.) Rather, I had a visceral reaction, like he suggested I go to prison or something. It took me 12 weeks to think about it before giving in.
I hardly ever think about my insurance now except when the annual payment comes up. But, to this day, it surprises me around the initial impact I experienced by giving up my elite insurance status to become a member of a family group – part of Husband’s program versus having one of my own.
What was hardest for you to give up when you got married?
The Battle of the Schedules. Got Ideas?
Posted by: | CommentsI’m busy. I’ve always been busy. When single you are given the opportunity to do all kinds of things – anytime you want, anywhere you want. You can just pile it on. Or shrug it off. Whatever. It’s fabulous.
But, then, you get married.
Giving up the ability to do whatever you want, whenever you want, is supposed to be replaced with a level of deep companionship, love and other goodies that aren’t PG enough for me to dare to post here. So, that’s the trade off right?
But, as any LBB will tell you, knowing this and doing this are two different things.
I’ve blogged before about Just Being There. This means if you want to stay married you have to physically show up for one another. Sometimes this means sitting on the couch with Husband while he’s watching the news when you’d rather be doing, well, anything else. But, you can’t be married and Be Away. (Ask any Hollywood couple who spend 95 percent of their time on movie sets away from their loved ones. They end up eventually Walking Alone Again.)
But, what about all the stuff you used to do, that you really like to do, and that you’d like to continue to do that doesn’t involve Husband?
For instance, I take Pilates class twice a week, dance classes twice a week, go to the gym, I dunno, four times a week, and attend volunteer board meetings and business networking events (fewer now than before but still regularly). Oh, and I run my own business, which involves going out of town a few days a month. And, of course there are lunches, occasional dinners, coffees and wine dates with friends to keep. Also, one-time events occur, such as office moves and car breakdowns necessitating buying a new one (as I did this month).
(I’m thinking about adding guitar lessons to the schedule. What do you think? Too much?)
With all this plus Husband’s stuff — his business, his volunteer work, his hobby of flying his own airplane — and you could say getting Husband’s and my schedules together is harder than getting the U.N. together.
And, to top it off, while the schedule might work out, the actual event that is scheduled may not be what you want.
The truth about any relationship is that no one wants to feel like they are giving anything up to be in it; they want to know they are gaining something better. It’s important to not just give up everything you love to do to adopt the other person’s version of fun activities. So, it’s important to have things you like to do together and not torture each other when you want to do things separately. But, I’d really, really, really like to know how to reconcile his interests with my interest with our interests.
Anyone got any ideas? Before I call the guitar teacher…
Get Married. Sign Here. And, Here. And, Here.
Posted by: | CommentsWell, I guess when you’re an “older” bride, certain things you only thought your grandparents did suddenly become things you do.
Let’s take insurance, for instance. When Husband and I first got together and decided we were going to stay together, the subject of “protection” came up.
When you are an LBB, you aren’t exactly bungee jumping off cliffs anymore. A more conservative lifestyle has (probably) settled in. And, protecting one’s body becomes a higher priority. But, I learned early that Husband’s idea of protecting one’s body and my idea of protecting the body aren’t exactly the same. My “protection” ideas don’t usually involve lots of attorneys. (I was just thinking no more trips to scary places in downtown to find cool new trendoid bars.)
However, Husband, is smarter than me. So, right before we got married we had the Big Insurance Talk, as in, you better have some. And, not just medical insurance in case you have to go to the doctor, either. Since, we have at least 50 more years to go on the planet, according to our parental genes, apparently we have to plan now how we were gonna grow old.
First, there is life insurance. Then, there’s a will. And, then long-term care insurance. And, durable power of attorney. And, medical power of attorney. I was practically drowning in legal documents for about 30 days.
Also, since Husband has two sons – grown but in college – they had to be considered. Should he kick the bucket prematurely, the subject of who gets what, when, was apparently a matter of utmost importance involving many legal terms. Enter the pre-nup (which really deserves its own blog post).
And, should he or I not kick the bucket in one fell swoop and we’re hanging around hooked up to all kinds of machines, well, that deserves a whole other set of documents. Of course, I made him swear in blood that I’ll never be placed in a nursing home, which gave him the perfect excuse to raise the idea of long term care insurance. I have a sneaking suspicion he doesn’t want to have to roll me over when I’m 90. Let the nurse do it. But, he’ll be over 100 then so I don’t blame him.
So, being the independent woman he married (we LBBs are like that), I have come up with an answer no attorney can plan for. We should just go the same night. Now, that’s some planning I can get behind.
Does Married Life Kill Your Social Life?
Posted by: | CommentsIn the ongoing hunt for advice for LBBs, I came across a really interesting article from 2005 that talks about how getting married kills your social life. (Diminishing Interest: Why getting married kills your social life, New York magazine, April 4, 2005)
Great.
The author, Amy Sohn, writes about how single and married friends sometimes have trouble adjusting to one another’s changing (or not changing) priorities. Evidently, once married, you can be labeled anything from being merely “unavailable” to being a “social pariah” because nobody wants to hear your petty little foibles about husband snoring when they aren’t gettin’ any.
The truth for the non-invitations is probably closer to this: everyone assumes you only want to hang with your spouse, so why bother asking you out?
Say “no” too many times and you could find yourself blacklisted on the social scene. Apparently, the frequency with which one goes out equals how much fun you are considered to be. And, it’s a hard reputation to shake.
As a single person, I had quite the social life. I mean, I used to live 15 minutes from Reagan National Airport and could (pre 9/11) grab the shuttle to NYC for dinner! And, those little spontaneous adventures only grew with added age. Let’s face it. Older singles have all the accoutrements for a rockin’ social life: Courage, a budget, no drama about what to wear, because you’re a big girl now and know exactly what to throw on. But, just when I knew exactly what restaurants to go to and how to get those great concert tickets, I got married.
End of spontaneity as we know it.
At first, it was pretty nice, actually. An excuse to stay home when you want to, a ready-made date, someone to watch movies with at home, someone who actually cared that you got home at all. But, then after a while (after the couch developed a permanent indentation of my butt), I realized just how much I missed shooting over to the wine bar for an “after work” drink out of the blue. And, how much fun it used to be to stay out to whenever with no one to check in with.
Once married, however, it becomes a negotiation with the spouse over what time you’ll be home, and whose car will be last in the driveway blocking the other, or what state you’ll arrive in when home (it was the tequila’s fault, really).
For me, it’s also an internal battle . Half of me wants to go swinging around town with the girls and the other half of me wants to stay home and snuggle with Husband and our remotes.
And, to top it off, there is the diverging interests of Husband and me. Husband doesn’t always want to do what I want to do. (What, you don’t want to do tequila shots on a Tuesday night?)
To top it off, he often doesn’t alert me to his plans (read: lack of desire to do anything) until that night. So, I’m left hunting for a companion – especially if it is a night where I am acutely aware of the butt imprint I’ve been leaving on my couch at home and I’m desperate for. something. different.
Of course, the fact that single gals aren’t used to compromising their social activities might be a big culprit. You mean I have to choose? Whhhhyyyyy?
Sigh. Who needs a drink?
Of Shoes and Parking
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I have driven Husband’s car exactly three times. And, we were married for two years before I drove it the first time. This is primarily because husband LuuuUuuuUuuuvs his car. It is a Beemer, and if you ask him what constitutes his dream car he’ll point out the window at his car sitting in the driveway. Therefore, anyone who does not LuuuUuuuUuuuv his car with equal zeal is only allowed to visit occasionally.
The other night we went out to dinner. We arrived in the restaurant’s parking lot to find many, wonderful parking spaces available to us. There was only one problem. They all had cars in the spaces next to them. This meant, if Husband parked between them, the car was in danger of getting a ding if someone opened his or her car door open too wide. Shudder.
So, he parked where he always parks: Siberia. And, I got to walk in 4 inch heels much farther than anyone should ever walk in 4 inch heels. This did not seem to bother Husband. Nor did it occur to him (or me for that matter) to have me dropped off at the front door. Rather, I stewed about the true cost comparison of parking over walking in 4 inch heels:
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Chiropractor visit for the adjustment I’d need from walking in heels from Siberia to the Bone Fish Grille: $20 (I have good insurance)
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New high heels after the current ones wore out: $400 (You think those Christian Louboutins are cheap?)
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New pedicure for the big toe’s polish wearing off on said shoe: $45
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Tip for pedicurist for listening to my shoe woes and agreeing: $6
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Extra martini for a reward: $11 (It was the Bonefish, after all)
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Extra tip for waitress for listening to my shoe woes and agreeing: $5
Total: $487 All, in all, I’d say parking closer is cheaper.
Being There. (For the Food If Nothing Else.)
Posted by: | CommentsHere’s another thing about being married. It takes up a lot of time.
It’s not enough to just be married. You actually have to physically show up. Usually at home. Just sitting there. Being with Husband. The TV is on, his laptop is affixed on his lap, laundry is churning in the dryer. But, you still have to sit there.
Why? The obvious reason is “togetherness.” But, I found another reason. Because otherwise he begins to fend for himself in the kitchen. This is a very bad thing. It throws off the entire food rotation/planning.
Remaining in control of the food was nothing I thought about until I got married.
If you’ve been single as long as I was, you are used to just popping off some very important errands after work. Like sitting on the floor of the chick lit aisle at Barnes and Noble for an hour just because you feel like it, or stopping by the Harris Teeter salad bar for dinner.
But, you have Husband at home who will eat three peaches and a hunk of cheese for dinner if you don’t get home soon. And, you must get there before that idea pops in his head. Because, then you are stuck with two options:
1 – Something else (non-cheesy) for dinner, and you really wanted cheese.
2 - You don’t care about the cheese. But, you are left with the real food. Real food requires cooking, which you didn’t really wanted to do (but, you are now 20 minutes of traffic away from the Harris Teeter salad bar).
So, that’s a very good reason for just being there. There are others, but I have to rush home now. Husband just called and asked what’s for dinner. I distinctly heard rustling and opening drawers. Must jet…
