Archive for Merging Tips
Merging Takes Time. A Lot Of It.
Posted by: | CommentsWhen I got married, I thought I pretty much knew what I was up for. I got married for the first time at age 42, so I had been on the planet long enough, and witnessed and participated in, first hand, dozens of weddings and mergings. I also had been around enough married couples to believe I knew what it took to unite. Uh, yeah.
I had underestimated one thing quite dramatically. The amount of time it takes to merge.
First, there was the mingling of finances, retirement plans, wills, prenups, insurance and all manners of legal, tax and accounting issues that had to go on.
Then, there was the combining of households. No small feat given I had a 2500 square foot, “completed” house of my own to merge with his 2000 square foot home.
And, let us not forget the coming together of friends, family and stepchildren.
Five years later, and much of this is still going on.
I have come to realize that I was pretty settled into my life, as a single person. And, upon getting married, I was agreeing to become wholly unsettled again. This is not a bad thing, it’s just what happens.
But, if you are like me, being unsettled is quite, well, unsettling. I like organization. I like having decisions made. I like being able to wake up in the morning and feel some basic things about life are determined and we are now just enjoying them and not just striving for them. I kinda like arriving. Goal reached. Objective obtained. Done. Next!
I imagine I’m not alone. If you are certain about your mate being “the one,” the desire is strong to get settled into married life quickly and efficiently. But to all LBBs out there, I warn you.
Merging – especially later in life — takes time. Lots of it.
If you are over 40, you’ve accumulated a lot of stuff, habits, behaviors and attitudes, people, and all manners of legal “situations and scenarios” that now have to be (or could be) joined with another. So, below are some things to consider doing to help make the merging process a little more organized. (I can’t promise things will speed up, however.)
1. Make a priority list. What is most important to combine right away? This includes:
- Living together (merging your day to day) or being married right away (creating a legal and/or spiritual union). So, if a wedding takes time to plan, do you want to wait until that happens before merging your life? Or do you want to wait until after?
- Your household. Where do you want to live and how? How soon do you want to get there? Do you want to update, fix, renovate? By when?
- Your legal and financial world. This includes, but is not limited to, wills, retirement, durable power of attorney, health directives, operating accounts, savings accounts, insurances (from car to home, from health to long-term care). How will these decisions be made? By when? Where do you join, where do you maintain separation?
- Your social life, friends and family (and pets). Who do you want in your life and how much? Who gets priority? Where and when do you spend time with them?
- Your careers. How do your work schedules jive? What are the expectations for overtime, working late, or travel?
- Your hobbies, passions and pursuits. How much time do you expect each other to devote to these, together or alone?
2. Create a timeline for when decisions will be made and when things will get done.
3. Assign tasks to each other.
4. Set aside time to check in with one other. Husband and I have a regular night for a “family business” meeting.
5. Be kind when if one of you fails to keep the plan intact. Just regroup, recommit and move forward.
6. When a major milestone is reached, celebrate it. We tend to involve food at such moments, such as going out to dinner. But, do whatever makes you feel rewarded.
I know this sounds a bit business-like, but having a plan around the “coming together” process can be helpful. No matter where you are in your relationship, it’s still good to know where you’re going –and by when.
For the record, I’m still learning number five. I’m spectacular at number six. Just in case you were wondering.
Part Two: Finances and the Late Bloomer Marriage
Posted by: | CommentsLast Thursday, I wrote about how Husband and I manage our finances (mostly from a day-to-day standpoint). Today, below are some questions for you to answer that may provide direction around the larger issues, such as retirement, healthcare and insurance planning, nest eggs, children’s college education funds and other large investment-oriented decisions.
First, you are going to have to talk to each other about it. I know this seems obvious, but I cannot believe how many women don’t want to broach this subject with their “intendeds” or new husbands. The intimidation factor seems alive and well. I get the sense that many of these LBBs just don’t want to rock the boat now that they’ve found “the one.”
Well, start rocking.
I’ve learned that asking questions is a good place to start. It’s less confronting somehow. Below are some things to consider and questions to ask your partner that will help get your set up for decision-making:
- Know who you are marrying (or married to). Ask yourself what you’ve witnessed to date. Is he/she a saver? A spender? A planner? Now ask him or her who they think they are. Do they match?
- Determine your values, long-term goals, and dreams for the future. Now ask him or her what their ideas are. Do they match? If not, can that be resolved? If not, are you prepared to financially support your ideas without him or her? Are you able to watch him fund something you wouldn’t spend a nickel on? (Trust me, he or she probably thinks the same about one of your hobbies, too.)
- If children are involved (either planned for or currently around), make those financial decisions early. How do you both feel about paying for their first car? Their college? Their jail bailout? (On that last one, seriously know the answer. Life is known to throw you curve balls at the most inopportune time.)
- Know when and how you want to retire or make a career shift. At what age, ideally, do you want to stop working? Do you want to stop working altogether or morph it into something more meaningful where money is no longer the goal? By when? How much money will you need? And, are you committed to putting away enough?
- Where do you want to retire? Husband actually mentioned leaving the U.S. once to me, which begged the question – Mexican village or Swiss chalet? It makes a difference.
- Understand how you’ll deal with the larger health issues, especially the unpredictable ones. They are usually expensive no matter what way you cut it. How is your health? Do you both take care of yourselves? Could you do this better? How can you support one another here? How much insurance (health insurance, long-term care, etc.) do you need? What are your assets if you need to liquidate some to handle health issues? And, are you prepared to do that for each other?
Some of these questions may beg the obvious answer, as in well, of course I’d sell my antique baseball card collection to take care of her hospital bills.
But, not so fast. Remember, you found each other later in life. There are fully-formed ideas swimming in your partner’s brain that you may not be aware of.
What if he believes selling the house and moving to a smaller condo is the answer? And, your dream was to die in that wonderful house? You could give a flip about the baseball cards.
And, then there are the “others.” There are other people in their lives, from children to friends, some of whom may have been around longer than you. They may have opinions, carry much weight with your partner and can sway (snap) decision-making. So, if you and your partner have determined these things early (and have things in writing early), it will make those unexpected life changes easier to deal with.
Any more questions you believe are imperative to ask?
Disclaimer: Again, I am not formally providing financial (or health) advice. This is just me telling you about my experiences and what has worked for us. Please speak with your accountant, attorney, tax guy or whoever you go to for real advice around finances. 
How Marriage Affects the Pace of Your Life
Posted by: | CommentsThe slow movement is gaining speed. Christine Louise Hohlbaum has an entire blog devoted to our relationship to time and our too-often inability to make friends with it. Her Power of Slow concept does not say necessarily to live life slowly, but rather to live life mindfully. I like that concept. I’ve been trying it on for size.
Except I’ve run into one little wrinkle. I have learned that marriage can test your definition of time, mindfulness, and the nonspatial continuum like no other.
When looking up the definition of time, I found many:
- The duration of one’s life; the hours and days which a person has at his disposal.
- A proper time; a season; an opportunity.
- A nonspatial continuum in which events occur in apparently irreversible succession from the past through the present to the future.
- Hour of travail, delivery, or parturition.
- Performance or occurrence of an action or event, considered with reference to repetition; addition of a number to itself; repetition; as, to double cloth four times; four times four, or sixteen.
And, my favorite:
- Tense
You got that right.
Single people are often given kudos for “taking charge.” While married people are oft rewarded for staying side by side, slowing a little when needed and picking up the pace when warranted. Yet, always staying connected.
But, what happens if your nickname is “Velocity” as mine is? And, Husband’s is something that means “analyzing something until the end of time so no mistakes are made?”
I live in leaps and bounds. Husband is content to plug away, taking life in small bites. I tend to live life as if the house was on fire. Husband would never have a house fire, as he would never be so careless or unprepared or would be able to put out a flame before it dared to flare.
No way is the best way. It’s just different.
But, different is sometimes hard for the late bloomer bride. When single, things happen at your own pace. No one could stop you – or start you. And, if you have been single a long time, you develop a sort of rhythm and expectation around how quickly (or slowly) things in your life move – everything from how long you are willing to commute to work to how much deliberation should go into buying a new dishwasher.
(We just went through the latter, which involved checking the last two years of Consumer Reports, visiting several online stores, and will soon involve visiting the physical store “just to be sure.” I would have one-clicked a new washer to our house in about 20 minutes had I been single.)
Yes, expect your decision-making, movement-making, charge-taking to all change once the vows are spoken.
Two things I’ve learned in an attempt to traverse this new time territory:
- Develop your patience. Joint decision-making takes time. (There’s that word again.) It’s why people complain about all those company meetings they have to sit in. Building consensus, getting people up to speed, weighing the options, considering the alternatives – it takes something. And, not everyone reaches the same conclusion in the same time-frame as the others. So, in marriage, it can feel like a colossal waste of time, sitting there waiting for the other to have their decision epiphany. But, you’re gonna have to do it for harmony sake.
- Talk more than you think you need to. (As you can imagine, Husband is thrilled with this tactic.) However, it may be an eye opener for the LBB that there now exists a second person to consider at all. So, it deserves mentioning. We both have to remember the pace at which you live has significant impact on the other. So, you have to, literally, check in with them on things you wouldn’t have given a second thought to had you been single. And, sometimes you have to light a fire under their butt. And, that means you have to verbalize. Request. Suggest deadlines for decision-making. Have a summit. Whatever it takes to get it on the table.
Anyone else have ideas on reconciling differing “life paces?”
Shooting Lessons for a Late Bloomer
Posted by: | CommentsI am a serious late bloomer. I am reminded of this time and again. This week’s reminder came in the form of a firearm. On Saturday, I touched a gun for the first time in my life.
I was raised to believe that if you have guns in your life, the universe will provide a reason to use them. So, don’t have them around.
But, then I got invited to a female-only soiree of gun safety and shooting and I figured at this point in my life I should know how to handle universal intervention if it arises.
In preparation for said class, I thought maybe I should let my mother know what I was about to do. After all, she was the one who drilled into me the universal law part. And, a picture of me holding a .38 would likely end up on Facebook anyway. So I decided to be brave – in advance.
Over Himilayan buffet lunch the day before, I brought it up. (‘Tis always good to have food around during such moments.) Her response? Oh, I know how to shoot a gun. I’m a pretty good shot. Can get that can off the fence every time. At which point I choked on my Mikasa chicken.
Turns out she learned to handle a gun loooong ago. My stepfather, once he moved us to his horse farm, decided if there were going to be guns around, she was going to learn to handle them. (Which proves a point I learned long ago. You are never too old to learn new things about your parents.)
So, mother-daughter connection intact, I go to the NRA-sanctioned gun safety class on a Saturday afternoon. We spend about three hours listening to all the ways to avoid shooting yourself and others, how the gun is built, how to load, unload and store it. Oh, and a few stories about the stupid things people have done with guns in the past. Basically, it gave me a very healthy respect for what a gun can do. This was important because all my previous knowledge had been gleaned from the movies.
Then, we go out to the shooting range, and instructor by our side, we shoot at a paper target. I won’t be hitting any bulls’ eyes anytime soon, but, for the record, I hit the paper every time.
What I learned from shooting:
- The movies lie. It’s loud.
- The movies lie. It takes some arm and hand strength, using both hands, to ensure the gun doesn’t fly from your hand.
- The movies lie. It takes some serious practice to hit anything. (Hence, what my friend Ed said about the news reports you hear all the time about “police fired 25 shots, hitting the suspect 3 times.”)
- The movies lie. If someone gets hit by a bullet, they are not going to get up and run a mile to save the girl. They are down.
But, I can see the addiction. It’s a serious energy release.
It was after I fired the semi-automatic gun, that I realized this was an remarkable (and for me, probably once-in-a-lifetime) experience. And, how I wished Husband was there with me.
This is the thing about being married later in life. Sometimes these moments just are not obvious in foresight.
As a late bloomer bride, you got quite used to learning all kinds of news things, experiencing new places and people, and basically going through life by yourself. So, when opportunities arise – like learning to touch a gun for the first time – it’s not so obvious that it should be experienced any differently than when you were unattached.
The truth is, there are things you want to do with your spouse. And, there are things you want to do with your girlfriends. Discover those early.
At first I just wanted to do this with my gals. I knew they wouldn’t laugh at me and, also would let the instructor be the director not interjecting “helpful” advice every two seconds. But, then I fired. And, then I wanted to be there with both my girlfriends and Husband.
Next time, I’m going to act like a married person. Only took four years and a gun. Who knew?
Postscript: Telling people about my experience also was a lesson in just how diverse we are as a culture on the issue of guns. When I shared my experience, live, with people – some friends, some colleagues, some acquaintances — I was met with pride, disdain, fear and loathing, and downright admiration in equal measure. I see why gun control issues are such hot buttons.
Is it Time for a Marital Summit?
Posted by: | CommentsThere is much great advice around having a healthy relationship. But, sometimes I come across an idea so dazzling I am a little jealous I didn’t come up with it myself.
A few years ago, my friend Susan felt it was time to check in with her husband on a few things, and perhaps recalibrate their joint vision, mission and goals. Plus, they were planning on building their own house. A few things needed to be decided.
So, she took a survey. Of her husband’s ideas, thoughts and feelings, that is. And, then she called a Marriage Summit.
How brilliant is this?
I immediately stole the idea. Everyone in any kind of relationship should.
Husband’s response to said idea was first to raise his cute little eyebrows. Why? Finally came out of his mouth.
Well, we have stuff to talk about.
Like what? We talk all the time, was his answer.
I really, really wanted to say (but didn’t) yeah, but I don’t always like the answers.
He then added, you just don’t like my answers.
Caught.
Maybe is one of Husband’s favorite words. He doesn’t like to be locked in. But, I’m a Taurus. And, an LBB. And, a business woman. Maybe, in my book, isn’t an answer.
Husband, being the accommodating guy he can be, finally agreed to the summit idea (though not the survey). Only he doesn’t want to call it a Marriage Summit. Rather we’re calling it a Family Business Meeting. (Why this is better, I don’t know. But, I don’t care. Call it a visit to the zoo. As long as we are there. Talking.)
Here is a framework we’ve adopted:
- Organize the topics. Ours included – taxes, house, health, retirement, Operation Townhouse Transformation, and vacations.
- Prioritize them. What needs to be discussed first? You get one topic per summit, er, FBM.
- Schedule the gathering. I sent him a meeting request via Outlook. (One of the greatest things about Outlook is that it will put a meeting notice on anyone’s calendar just by sending the request. Partial buy-in!)
- Attach an agenda to the meeting request, including what each of you needs to bring. After all, you can’t talk about choosing a beach house unless you put all the options on the table. Bring your back-up. In my case, it was pictures of actual beach houses for rent.
- You meet. Hell nor high water gets in the way.
Our FBM this week was about taxes. As in doing them. Oh, joy. But, I had a small thrill of accomplishment when it was over. And, the dreaded sense of mystery about when they would get done was gone.
Next week’s FBM is going to be about our living situation – including Operation Townhouse Transformation and our soon-to-be-built house. Because, the greenery on our land really needs some company.
(See next week’s blog entry for how our meeting goes. Was it bad that I hired a professional organizer before talking to Husband? I think it’s time to let him know…)
Other Fun Blogs, Lots of (Really Good) Relationship Advice
Posted by: | CommentsI read. A lot. I’ve come across some terrific bloggers (and other sites) who have interesting perspectives, ask good questions, and provide healthy advice. Below is a very short list of some I’ve come to know and love.
- A Simple Marriage A sample blog post: How To Improve Marriage And Slow Down Life At The Same Time (Terrific advice)
- Moving From Me to We A sample blog post: The Forgotten First Step for Connecting (When self reliance can cause disconnection)
- Luvem or Leavem A sample blog post: Smart Women and Relationships (Good advice here, especially for the very successful)
- His Point of View A sample blog post: Can Your Accomplishments Cause Loneliness? (Something we LBBs struggle with)
- The Love Engineer A sample blog post: Dating After Divorce? Two Words for Ya (Funny!)
- A Good Husband A sample blog post: A New Year’s Resolution for My Marriage (Everyone, sigh with me in pure admiration for this post)
- The Guy’s Perspective A sample blog posting: Part 1: Three Guys on Cheating (You really should read the other two, as well)
- Nandoism A sample blog post: Do You Deserve a Relationship? (We have all had these thoughts)
- Your Tango A sample blog post: 10 Things Happy Couples Talk About (A few surprises here)
Anyone have others they like?
The Wedding Post-Mortem or How To Not Do What I Did
Posted by: | CommentsI have recently gotten wind of a few LBB wedding stories that have chilled my little heart. (This is a feat given the relentless, windy, frigid temperatures outside. Spring, where are you?)
It is unfortunate that so many women who have chosen to get married later in life experienced what I call the “blasé wedding blues.” Apparently, if you are over 40 and getting married for the first time, a typical response is:
- It’s about time, now just go off and do it already, or
- Good for you, now just go off and do it already.
Very few people want to make a big deal around a woman over 40 getting married for the first time, say these LBB compatriots. Such a shame.
If you are 25 and getting married for the first time, well, every person in your sphere stands at attention, awaiting orders, while secretly planning bachelorette parties, “steal the bride” moments, bridal showers, gift registry tips, wedding dress shopping dates and more.
Deep down inside, we all want people to make a fuss. It’s human nature. Now, that “fuss” may be defined differently. But, in the end, we all want people to “ooh” and “aah” over our life choices, even if in a whisper.
As for me, if I could re-do my wedding (and the months leading up to it) there are many things I would change.
- I would have had bridesmaids. (I had none.)
- I would have invited more than 43 people to our wedding.
- I would have cared less about whether everyone else was having a good time and concentrated on having a good time myself.
- I wouldn’t have planned so many things that weekend to keep everyone happy and occupied (a pre-wedding barbeque party, a rehearsal dinner for the parents, a girlfriend’s lunch, the wedding and reception itself).
- I would have asked for more hoopla leading up to the weekend wedding, itself, which I did not have to plan and execute.
And, there it is. That last little bullet. The thing I have been holding in my heart that I did not realize until a recent LBB recounted her own story of how “unmoved” her family seemed about her getting married.
My situation was nothing like hers. She literally had “relatives behaving badly” from making snarky comments to not showing up for events. They treated her wedding day as just any old event. In fact, some of her relatives treated her wedding weekend like it was their vacation, and therefore, everything and anything could be “blown off” if they didn’t feel like it.
Everyone behaved around my wedding. And, everyone seemed genuinely happy to be there.
But, the year leading up to the Big Event? Well…
The truth is, no matter your age, you do want large events in your life celebrated. I had the wedding shower (bless you, T), a small engagement party thrown impromptu by friends (bless you, K & R), the well wishes, the mandatory attendance at the Big Event itself.
But, at times I did get the sense from some folks involved (who shall remain nameless) that my nuptials were all very “been there, done that,” too.
I bear some (much) responsibility for this.
- I acted “all independent” letting everyone know I could plan and “do” this wedding all by myself. And, I did. In fact, I even told Husband all he had to do was show up. And, he did.
- I did not ask for any fanfare. I told everyone “whatever you want to do…blah, blah, blah.” And, they did.
- I believed if I was over 40 then there was to be no screaming, jumping up and down, and giggling. It was all to be dignified. And, elegant. And, mature. Oh, boy. Tons of fun.
In the end, you get what you ask for. So, all you future LBBs out there, choose what you want. Then, speak.
As for me, I’m throwin’ one helluva anniversary party at year five. There will be mandatory merry-making and whooping. Oh, and giggling. Lots of giggling.
Facebooking Couples: Are You on the Same Page?
Posted by: | CommentsHere is an interesting article about couples who “Facebook.” It contains some really good advice about transparency, avoiding “friending” ex-lovers, and thinking twice about marital venting.
Facebook’s privacy controls are growing, but there are still some dangers lurking in cyber happy land. To their list, I will add my own horror stories advice below.
(You may be asking, how much more sensitive can you be to privacy when you BLOG about things in your marriage, LBB? Oh, trust me. Facebook can be waaaay more dangerous than this blog.)
First, there are the posts that others write on my wall, pictures that get tagged, and comments that trickle their way through cyberspace. Personally, I have my FB page pretty locked down. But, the short Santa Baby dress I wore for a dance recently – well, let’s just say it made its way to Husband’s profile, which then allowed his clients to see it. (Naturally, I’m hoping Husband’s clients are thinking – how lucky is he?) I didn’t care. (It looks good.) Husband took it in stride. (He likes the outfit.) All was well.
But, then, recently, a nameless gentleman (you know who you are) posted on a listserv asking for advice on how to friend an ex-girlfriend so her husband wouldn’t find out. (What was he thinking? That, of the 1,000 people on the listserv, this matter would stay private?) One clever reader replied, tell her to also “friend” a good lawyer.
The truth is, nothing on Facebook stays private for long. So, to add to the marital Facebook-ing policies, I add my own thoughts not included in this article:
- Determine whether or not your Facebook page is for pleasure or business. And, I really, really encourage that your spouse’s and your ideas match. Why? See Santa Baby outfit example above.
- The past will find you. Remember your spouse may not know about – or have quite yet acknowledged – that you have a past. Anything you don’t want coming out? Well, be careful about friending those college buddies. They have those old pictures of you doing shooters in that awful 80s hair. Count on being tagged.
- To tag or not to tag? Did you invite everyone to your party? No? You had space restrictions like I did recently and could only squeeze in so many people? Well, know the pictures, while not necessarily embarrassing, alert everyone who wasn’t invited that, well, they weren’t invited. And your spouse may be questioned. Let them know this.
- Make sure you and your spouse agree on Facebook privacy controls. See listserv example above.
- Adhere to the golden rule. Only post on anyone’s wall what you wouldn’t mind having on your wall, having said about you, or having your spouse, boss, children or 82 year old grammie read about you. Play nice. Make your spouse proud to claim you.
Anyone else have anything they’d like to add?
Article: Strengthening Later Life Marriage. So Good! A Must Read.
Posted by: | CommentsI come across — and get sent — a lot of articles, blog posts and references on marriage. Most of them have something to offer. A few are just too clichéd. And, occasionally I come across something so good, it begs for the spotlight. This piece — Strengthening Later Life Marriage – struck me as that good. Written by Mary A. Stosich, Research Assistant, and edited by Richard Miller and Stephen F. Duncan, Professors in the School of Family Life, Brigham Young University, the practical advice they give – including the unique challenges to marriage later in life – is spot on. I would replace the specific religious references with more spiritually-inclusive terms. But overall, the guidance is sound and more sophisticated than I usually find. So, take a look. Whether you are married or not, a late bloomer or early adopter, you just might find some golden nuggets to make your relationships a little more sound.
P.S. My favorite piece of advice? “Continue personal development, balancing individuality and togetherness”. And, as you do, “keep your spouse as your top priority and maintain a loving awareness of his or her needs.”
Book Recommendation: The Five Love Languages
Posted by: | CommentsIf you are looking for a good book about how to better love someone (and how to be loved better), then look no further than The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. A wonderfully simple premise — that we tend to express our love to our partners the way we want their love to be expressed to us – this book will help you better understand yourself and what makes your partner feel your love.
The five languages include:
• Words of Affirmation
• Quality Time
• Receiving Gifts
• Acts of Service
• Physical Touch
The book is short. And, there is a survey at the end (separate ones for husbands and wives) that will help you determine your love style. (I was evenly split on two and barely registered on the other three. Lucky Husband, huh?)
It provides rather direct recommendations on how to immediately begin expressing your love to your mate, better. Or, at least in the way they can feel it. I highly recommend having the knowledge contained in this book’s pages. It’s already making a difference for me.
