Archive for Merging Tips
The Wedding Post-Mortem or How To Not Do What I Did
Posted by: | CommentsI have recently gotten wind of a few LBB wedding stories that have chilled my little heart. (This is a feat given the relentless, windy, frigid temperatures outside. Spring, where are you?)
It is unfortunate that so many women who have chosen to get married later in life experienced what I call the “blasé wedding blues.” Apparently, if you are over 40 and getting married for the first time, a typical response is:
- It’s about time, now just go off and do it already, or
- Good for you, now just go off and do it already.
Very few people want to make a big deal around a woman over 40 getting married for the first time, say these LBB compatriots. Such a shame.
If you are 25 and getting married for the first time, well, every person in your sphere stands at attention, awaiting orders, while secretly planning bachelorette parties, “steal the bride” moments, bridal showers, gift registry tips, wedding dress shopping dates and more.
Deep down inside, we all want people to make a fuss. It’s human nature. Now, that “fuss” may be defined differently. But, in the end, we all want people to “ooh” and “aah” over our life choices, even if in a whisper.
As for me, if I could re-do my wedding (and the months leading up to it) there are many things I would change.
- I would have had bridesmaids. (I had none.)
- I would have invited more than 43 people to our wedding.
- I would have cared less about whether everyone else was having a good time and concentrated on having a good time myself.
- I wouldn’t have planned so many things that weekend to keep everyone happy and occupied (a pre-wedding barbeque party, a rehearsal dinner for the parents, a girlfriend’s lunch, the wedding and reception itself).
- I would have asked for more hoopla leading up to the weekend wedding, itself, which I did not have to plan and execute.
And, there it is. That last little bullet. The thing I have been holding in my heart that I did not realize until a recent LBB recounted her own story of how “unmoved” her family seemed about her getting married.
My situation was nothing like hers. She literally had “relatives behaving badly” from making snarky comments to not showing up for events. They treated her wedding day as just any old event. In fact, some of her relatives treated her wedding weekend like it was their vacation, and therefore, everything and anything could be “blown off” if they didn’t feel like it.
Everyone behaved around my wedding. And, everyone seemed genuinely happy to be there.
But, the year leading up to the Big Event? Well…
The truth is, no matter your age, you do want large events in your life celebrated. I had the wedding shower (bless you, T), a small engagement party thrown impromptu by friends (bless you, K & R), the well wishes, the mandatory attendance at the Big Event itself.
But, at times I did get the sense from some folks involved (who shall remain nameless) that my nuptials were all very “been there, done that,” too.
I bear some (much) responsibility for this.
- I acted “all independent” letting everyone know I could plan and “do” this wedding all by myself. And, I did. In fact, I even told Husband all he had to do was show up. And, he did.
- I did not ask for any fanfare. I told everyone “whatever you want to do…blah, blah, blah.” And, they did.
- I believed if I was over 40 then there was to be no screaming, jumping up and down, and giggling. It was all to be dignified. And, elegant. And, mature. Oh, boy. Tons of fun.
In the end, you get what you ask for. So, all you future LBBs out there, choose what you want. Then, speak.
As for me, I’m throwin’ one helluva anniversary party at year five. There will be mandatory merry-making and whooping. Oh, and giggling. Lots of giggling.
Facebooking Couples: Are You on the Same Page?
Posted by: | CommentsHere is an interesting article about couples who “Facebook.” It contains some really good advice about transparency, avoiding “friending” ex-lovers, and thinking twice about marital venting.
Facebook’s privacy controls are growing, but there are still some dangers lurking in cyber happy land. To their list, I will add my own horror stories advice below.
(You may be asking, how much more sensitive can you be to privacy when you BLOG about things in your marriage, LBB? Oh, trust me. Facebook can be waaaay more dangerous than this blog.)
First, there are the posts that others write on my wall, pictures that get tagged, and comments that trickle their way through cyberspace. Personally, I have my FB page pretty locked down. But, the short Santa Baby dress I wore for a dance recently – well, let’s just say it made its way to Husband’s profile, which then allowed his clients to see it. (Naturally, I’m hoping Husband’s clients are thinking – how lucky is he?) I didn’t care. (It looks good.) Husband took it in stride. (He likes the outfit.) All was well.
But, then, recently, a nameless gentleman (you know who you are) posted on a listserv asking for advice on how to friend an ex-girlfriend so her husband wouldn’t find out. (What was he thinking? That, of the 1,000 people on the listserv, this matter would stay private?) One clever reader replied, tell her to also “friend” a good lawyer.
The truth is, nothing on Facebook stays private for long. So, to add to the marital Facebook-ing policies, I add my own thoughts not included in this article:
- Determine whether or not your Facebook page is for pleasure or business. And, I really, really encourage that your spouse’s and your ideas match. Why? See Santa Baby outfit example above.
- The past will find you. Remember your spouse may not know about – or have quite yet acknowledged – that you have a past. Anything you don’t want coming out? Well, be careful about friending those college buddies. They have those old pictures of you doing shooters in that awful 80s hair. Count on being tagged.
- To tag or not to tag? Did you invite everyone to your party? No? You had space restrictions like I did recently and could only squeeze in so many people? Well, know the pictures, while not necessarily embarrassing, alert everyone who wasn’t invited that, well, they weren’t invited. And your spouse may be questioned. Let them know this.
- Make sure you and your spouse agree on Facebook privacy controls. See listserv example above.
- Adhere to the golden rule. Only post on anyone’s wall what you wouldn’t mind having on your wall, having said about you, or having your spouse, boss, children or 82 year old grammie read about you. Play nice. Make your spouse proud to claim you.
Anyone else have anything they’d like to add?
Article: Strengthening Later Life Marriage. So Good! A Must Read.
Posted by: | CommentsI come across — and get sent — a lot of articles, blog posts and references on marriage. Most of them have something to offer. A few are just too clichéd. And, occasionally I come across something so good, it begs for the spotlight. This piece — Strengthening Later Life Marriage – struck me as that good. Written by Mary A. Stosich, Research Assistant, and edited by Richard Miller and Stephen F. Duncan, Professors in the School of Family Life, Brigham Young University, the practical advice they give – including the unique challenges to marriage later in life – is spot on. I would replace the specific religious references with more spiritually-inclusive terms. But overall, the guidance is sound and more sophisticated than I usually find. So, take a look. Whether you are married or not, a late bloomer or early adopter, you just might find some golden nuggets to make your relationships a little more sound.
P.S. My favorite piece of advice? “Continue personal development, balancing individuality and togetherness”. And, as you do, “keep your spouse as your top priority and maintain a loving awareness of his or her needs.”
Book Recommendation: The Five Love Languages
Posted by: | CommentsIf you are looking for a good book about how to better love someone (and how to be loved better), then look no further than The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. A wonderfully simple premise — that we tend to express our love to our partners the way we want their love to be expressed to us – this book will help you better understand yourself and what makes your partner feel your love.
The five languages include:
• Words of Affirmation
• Quality Time
• Receiving Gifts
• Acts of Service
• Physical Touch
The book is short. And, there is a survey at the end (separate ones for husbands and wives) that will help you determine your love style. (I was evenly split on two and barely registered on the other three. Lucky Husband, huh?)
It provides rather direct recommendations on how to immediately begin expressing your love to your mate, better. Or, at least in the way they can feel it. I highly recommend having the knowledge contained in this book’s pages. It’s already making a difference for me.
Learning About Men. From Traveling.
Posted by: | CommentsYou can learn a lot about men by traveling with them. Traveling with Husband is vastly different from going somewhere with girlfriends (my main travel companions when I was single for all those years). So, I was quite naïve, being the LBB, when it came to what to expect when traveling with a member of the opposite sex. (I had weekend trips with boyfriends, of course. But, it’s just not the same,either.)
For one, you don’t have to fight with your girlfriends about taking a taxi to the cool restaurant. This is because they are wearing heels, too. They also understand that the cute outfit you lovingly packed and schlepped across the Atlantic Ocean clashes horribly with the subway train. Husbands do not get the big deal around this.
(Lest you think I am a wuss, I believe in public transportation during sightseeing and the greater the hiking, climbing and stair-climbing the better. It’s hard enough to get a workout in during travel. You might as well get it in during cathedral hopping.)
In general, Husband and I travel well together (provided we don’t ever enter France. We had a bad experience in Charles de Galle airport. Or, shall I say, a series of bad encounters. Enough said.)
Traveling well together is a very good thing, too. Because there is a long list of romantic (and some too scary to go to without a man) places I am dying to visit. And, with Husband, I also get help with my bags, money exchange, and other romantic things not PG enough to mention here.
But, nothing will test your marriage mettle like international travel (house-building, aside). Our destinations are always fabulous. But, getting from point A to B can be taxing.
My sister says the best travelers are those comfortable with uncertainty. Add the following items and you’ve got an ordeal ahead of you: sleep deprivation, snotty French guards people tired of dealing with the international public all day, negotiations over who sits in the middle seat on the red-eye, dehydration, different languages, culture and people, differing ideas of what constitutes adequate guest space, exchange rates, and I won’t even go into airline food because comedians all over the world have it covered.
So, I put on the list of things all LBBs must do before they get married – travel internationally with Mr. Potential Husband. All kinds of things come up that are telling.
For example:
- Does he do well with the unexpected? (My sister says the best traveler understand that nothing ever goes as planned. Period.)
- How well does he do in long lines? (Patience is a virtue. And, this comes in handy when he has to wait for us for just about anything.)
- Will he make you take the middle seat every time when flying “trans-atlantically”? (To me, this is a sign of chauvinism if he insists the woman must always sit in the middle. A friend of mine lovingly dubbed the middle seat the “sausage seat.” So, what are we, chopped liver?)
- How does he deal with the snotty French guards persons of authority who clearly are so over dealing with the public? (This is yet another sign of how he might deal with, say, moments of weakness we might display when woken up too early.)
- Does he understand the cardinal rule of traveling? Thou can only be cranky if the other person isn’t. One at a time, please. And, yes, this goes for us, too.
- Does he offer to help you with your bag, even if it weighs a ton? (I say if he does this willingly, a knight exists in there somewhere.)
- Does he make a mad dash for Customs, leaving you in the dust? (The answer to this one doesn’t even require explaining.)
- Will he consult a map when you’re deep in the maze of Barcelona’s gothic district? (Enough said there, too.)
- Does he understand the importance of food and watering during long treks around cities and country sides? (Offers to stop at cafes now and again for replenishment are another caring sign.)
- And, last but not least, does he roll his eyes when you want to buy those great Italians boots in the highway robbery very expensive airport shop in Rome? (So long as it is your money, who cares?)
What other things would you add to the list? Do tell!
I Want a Wife. For the Laundry, if Nothing Else.
Posted by: | CommentsI want a wife. One who handles the bed linens, specifically.
I ask for this because just for fun I tried an experiment. I left a laundry basket full of just-washed sheets and pillowcases in the middle of our living room. For a week. Just to see if Husband noticed that they needed folding.
Seven nights later, I gave in and folded them myself. It was time to change the sheets and our supply was getting dangerously low. (Ever since Oprah declared she has her minions change her sheets every other day, I feel guilty if we go four days. Apparently, she doesn’t like it when they aren’t “crisp” feeling anymore and suddenly I felt an ongoing need for “crispness,” too. Oprah’s got some power.)
Personally, I believe Husband does not believe bed linen laundry is in his domain. Somehow it is my job. Add that to the fact his Man Brain Chemicals – you know the ones that say “she might want to do something special with that and I might be messing it up upping the odds I’ll get yelled at” – kicked in. Or maybe it was his Man Eye Shields. You know the ones that make unfolded laundry – even baskets of it sitting in the middle of the living room – disappear. Or, perhaps it was Real Men Don’t Fold Sheets Week. Whatever.
No one told me that “chore domains” get established really quickly in marriage. I wish I had been warned. I would have been sure to choose which “duties” were mine and which were his much quicker. (Warning to all future LBBs – choose your side quickly. Otherwise, you’ll get stuck with the ones no one wants to do.)
Fortunately for me organizing the garage ended up with him. He did a wonderful job moving the recycling around today. (The bags of empty bottles, cans, newspapers and cardboard are still with us, but at least now we can get to the garbage can – also in his domain.) Hmmm. Maybe next time I should put the laundry in the garage?
It’s Alive! The Married, Joint-Decision-Making Brain Cell
Posted by: | CommentsAnd, another thing… Exactly at what point in married life do you hand over the ability to make decisions all on your own? Apparently, pretty early into it. Years ago I would have sneered about what I’m about to share with you. But, today?
Well, it’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, for meeeee….
I used to think when I was single that all those married women, standing in line before me at some cashier’s counter or before a sales person – taking up space and time – were wimps. Seriously. Calling their husbands to ask them what they thought about XYZ? Puh, lease. Grow some cajones.
I now know better. These women were high-level strategists. Machiavelli mavens. Sheer geniuses. Forgive me, oh, goddesses.
You see, yesterday I bought a new car. Okay, it was a new used car. But, new to me, nonetheless.
This wasn’t the first time I’ve bought a car. Rather, it was my sixth trek to the car nursery to pick up a new baby, all of which were handled on my own. I started as I always do. I knew what I wanted, did my research, and went to CarMax where I knew I wouldn’t be hassled with those stupid selling techniques. (May I take your credit card to my manager to show you are serious? And, let me check with my manager to see what I can do. Blah, blah, blah. Then, 14 hours later you’re still sitting there haggling over $100.)
So, per my past experience, I ordered the car online from www.carmax.com, showed up, drove it, decided to buy it. Simple. Well, yesterday, something additional clicked in. I did not realize this change until I found myself dialing Husband’s cell phone number for the eighth time to ask him a question during the car buying spree.
I had questions about trade in value (for my old car), insurance, extended warranties, key location (where on earth did you put the extra key that they now want to reclaim? for the car I was trading in), and, if I should declare the new car as “commercial” since I use it for business. I could have made educated guesses myself, easily. However, something inside me whispered eerily, Waaaaait a second. Caaaalll Husband, Caaaalllll Husband.”
Interestingly, my sales guy praised me for this non-stop calling. (By the way, Salesguy had the same first name as Husband. Do you think they plan that sort of thing?). I apologized for calling so many times in front of him. But, he said, oh, no, don’t apologize, I’m actually impressed. My wife would never do that. She’d just say either you are on board or you aren’t.
(I need to talk to this woman. She needs to be clued in on the genius-ness of “checking in.”)
You see, it’s not that I don’t have my own answers or opinions about car selling and buying. It’s just that a “brain cell” (obviously only awakened by a marriage certificate) came alive providing some very important insight during my visit to Carmax. All those calls to Husband? Well, I was just subscribing to what all those women, who I sneered at years ago, know: if you don’t loop them early into the decision making you are left alone with said decisions when you return home. This could be a very, very bad thing.
Rather, these “check-in” women are Avoid and Share the Blame Responsibility Experts – as in avoiding the dreaded why did you do that? questions or looks when you do it yourself. By asking Husband lots of questions, anything that gets decided (or brought home) is now a joint decision or at least a joint purchase. I checked in with you, say these sly ladies who know the drill. If you wanted to know whether or not it had cruise control, ya’ should have asked me when I was on the phone with you for the 18th time!
See?
So, now my new old victim car sits in our drive. And, last night, when Husband came home, he just parked his own car, peeked in the windows of my new one as he walked by, and strolled right into the house. Not a word said. Not a single question. Ah, peace.
Side Note: I actually teared up a bit when I handed over the keys to my old BMW X5. Me and the X5, well, we’ve been through a lot together. Albeit, they were very expensive memories. In five years I replaced the entire cooling system at least three times, replaced gaskets (Don’t be fooled by the innocent-sounding little things. They are evil incarnate when they blow.), twice had the electrical system worked on, twice replaced the tires and brakes (at more than $1,000 a pop), and just last week, the alternator. Come to think of it, I must be suffering from Stockholm Syndrome. I understand the ole X5 is going to auction. Payback’s a bitch.
LBBs and the Urge To Run for the Hills
Posted by: | CommentsOkay, I realize that lately I have been lobbing books, podcasts and articles at you a bit much. But, I can’t help but throw another one on to the pile. Time magazine recently published an article titled Is There Hope for the American Marriage? Before reading, I thought, great, another article about the demise of marriage in America and how we are all going to hell and a handbasket for it. But, I took the plunge anyway.
Basic question it poses: Do we have far too many “outs” to stay “in?” Of course, famous marriage mix-ups from Jon and Kate (of the Plus 8 fame) and ridiculous governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford, are held up as recent examples of marital meltdown. And, how it was just so durn easy to take the path not recommended, from affairs to feeding one’s own discontent.
Made me ponder. (Surprise!)
This urge to run may not be unique among marital partners. But, I’ll tell ya’ late bloomer brides may be fighting this battle even more than our younger married counterparts.
You see, LBBs usually come with an interesting trait. The proven ability to live all alone, perfectly happily. Also, if you add a number of years of bad (or at least wrong-for-you) boyfriends and dates, and you’ll find most LBBs have developed an intricate web of escape routes. I mean, we had to. If not, I would have been married to either T. or (shudder) R. right now. Husband would not have been on the menu at all. So, the ability to run was necessary in order to avoid mistakes.
However, now as a happy LBB, we sometimes find old habits die hard. Things get tough? The adrenaline rushes, the imagination goes wild (Hmmm, if I was single, I really could just buy that chair he hates), and plans begin to be mulled over. All this happens in a nano-second, of course. We then are snapped back into reality. Do we really want to leave? Of course not. I have found that most LBBs are, if anything, hopeful.
But, LBB’s fantasy life was at center stage a lot when single, and this has made the desire to change things that are less than perfect, very, very strong. (See posts on fantasy and movies to better understand this desire to split when things aren’t perfect.)
The urge to run also can get ingrained because it feeds our desire to stay independent. We don’t act on it. But, it pounds on the heart nonetheless. Perhaps another skill an LBB might want to consider working on is putting these “running” thoughts in their proper place — on the back burner. We want to marry men who would find it easy to be faithful to us. But, shouldn’t that also mean we are women who would find it hard to run?
(For the record, Husband knows that I’m with Jon Bon Jovi’s wife. Jon was famously quoted as saying that the secret to his long-standing marriage is that his wife declared that if he ever left her, she was going to come with him.)
You and Me Against the Problem
Posted by: | CommentsMany marriages would be better if the husband and the wife clearly understood that they are on the same side. ~Zig Ziglar
That’s a pretty smart quote. I learned this the hard way.
It’s easy to find yourself pitted against one another. Or, when trying to get the other to do something or believe something that they do not. It can feel so, well, competitive.
I’m used to living my life however I want. But, now I have someone else to consider. Getting them “on board” isn’t the same as with friends and family, either. Because this is someone you live with, whose ideas and beliefs affect your day to day life in ways others’ do not. So, being able to build a common vision (and belief system) is key.
I had an “issue” a little while ago. And, it wasn’t small, either. After a few days of doing the usual (ranting, begging, removing oneself to go shopping instead), something occurred to me. If he spent half the energy on helping me rather than fighting me, we’d win. Then, another domino fell. Husband is a great ally. Why aren’t I tuning in to his natural competitiveness and solutions-oriented nature? If we were fighting for the same thing, we’d win. No question. It occurred to me that we really should be teammates on this. What a concept.
It’s you and me against the problem, I finally said.
Oh, he responded. (A much better response than before. Trust me.)
The next thing I knew we were having a civilized and adult conversation. Amazing what the right seven words can do. And, since then, I have found anytime I approach issues with this in mind, things go much, much better. Huh.
Your Happy Ending: Have you written it yet?
Posted by: | CommentsMarriage doesn’t solve all life’s challenges.
Well, crap.
I know this fact seems obvious – especially to all you long-time marrieds. And, you are probably shaking your head right now, wondering just how deep does delusion run through this LBB? (Pretty deep, actually.)
The truth is, for those of us new to this game called “being married,” the fact that the prince and princess don’t actually ride off into the sunset upon signing the contract may have only been obvious in the abstract. I know several LBBs—myself included – for whom it did not stop us from hoping marriage would have been a little bit like the fantasy.
Because you see, as a long-time single person, you are able to – and quite frankly, had lots of time to — fantasize and entertain all kinds of ideals around love and commitment. I am not an expert in marriage, but I dare say I have earned my PhD in “imagination run amok.” In fact, I wrote the curriculum.
And, may I suggest some reading as part of this program? I just finished reading a love story series – known as the Twilight series – by author Stephenie Meyer. I know, I know, it was written for teens. But, my sister and cousin said I had to read them. So, I obeyed.
Ten days later, I had plowed through all four books. Nonstop. I finally understood why the series sat on the New York Times bestseller list for 143 weeks in total. They sold more than 42 million copies worldwide in 37 countries. And, apparently it’s turned into quite the franchise, including a Hollywood movie. Who knew?
In the first book, Bella Swan, an ordinary teenager, moves to the rainiest town in America, Forks, Washington, where she meets and falls in (mutual) love with a vampire, Edward Cullen. Throughout their time together (four books worth), Bella and Edward face enormous challenges (his unquestionable thirst for her blood aside). I won’t spoil the ending for you, if you haven’t read them. But, suffice to say for about 10 seconds I wished I was a vampire, living in a perfect romance with the hottest thing on the planet.
Then I closed the book.
Then I began to wonder. Is it good to read love stories or do they just whet our appetite (no pun intended) for what we don’t have?
Unlike real life, while I journeyed through the Twilight series’ love story, I kinda knew from the beginning it would all work out. Why? Well, the author has fans. Lots of them. And she probably wants to keep them. (And, let’s face it, even though we live in a world where 13 years olds know more than our parents probably did at age 30, most likely she knew teenagers were not ready to be that disappointed about love if Edward and Bella didn’t work out.)
In essence, all that tragedy I read was okay, because I knew, in my heart, that Stephenie Meyer had my back. She would not leave me in tears, though she may extract some along the way.
Alas, we do not live inside a novel. The truth is fantasies are lazy, where your paramours do all the work, are veritable mind readers, say all the right things at the right time, and, bottom line, take on all the responsibility for making it work.
On the other hand, real life partners have no super human capability, but rather will excel at disappointing, scaring, and being seemingly obtuse. Just when you think you want to throw up your hands, they will do something that will make you not want to give up. So, you don’t. Just in case.
Real life romance, especially the later kind when you have years of building the fantasy, shatters a lot of dreams. No one’s got your back. You must design your relationship and author your own story.
So, I decided – not to be bested by Edward and Bella – I would write my own happy ending . It’s one page long, single-spaced, and it goes into great detail about Husband’s and my love story finale, 40 years from now. It’s perfect. Why not? After all, if we don’t start manifesting our own grand finales, who will?
I might even have it framed.
