Archive for Miscellaneous Musings
Four Ways LBBs are Different From Young Marrieds. Truly.
Posted by: | CommentsI have recently encountered a spate of people who have been arguing with me. But, only about one topic. They don’t believe getting married for the first time over age 40 is any different than getting married young. So, I must defend the LBB territory.
Ways in which LBBs are different from Younger Married Women (YMW):
- To have (our own) children or not to have (our own) children. Unless we are able to pull off a medical miracle, this one has pretty much been decided for us. I know someone will comment that they were over 40 and gave birth to a beautiful baby, effortlessly. But, my lovely, you are the extreme exception. Ask any medical professional and they will tell you the same thing. If you are over 40, you’re done. So, we either already have them or aren’t going to have them (or will adopt). You youngins’, for the most part, still have options before you (and internal debating to do).
- The merging of stuff. I don’t care if you were born rich and have an entirely furnished apartment by the time you are 23. You still will never have as much stuff as we do. We have simply been on the planet longer. This means we have more personal momentos, more experiences, more people, and just plain more things than anyone under 30. And, merging all this with another is why HGTV has entire shows dedicated to cleaning out the clutter, merging spaces, and his and her design interventions. Someone’s got to keep that channel in business.
- Sense of Self. Everyone continues to evolve as they grow older, But, well, some things have been established by the time you are 40. We know who we are. And, quite frankly, if we change it’s because we want to. When you are 28, you are going to change even when you don’t want to. You have experiences ahead of you that you won’t quite know what to do with. They will impact you in a way that would not impact someone who has lived for two decades as an adult. We LBBs think we know ourselves to the level that we don’t believe we’ll change much. (Note to me: You’ve still got some evolving to do, so don’t get too comfy. You just don’t realize it.) This difference lies in our opinions about ourselves.
- Our sense of compromise may be skewed. We can’t tell (well) when compromising is, well, compromising over betraying ourselves. LBBs have been so used to doing it our way for so long, that when asked to do something differently, well, sometimes we don’t know what to do with it. Younger people seem to be more malleable. They appear more amenable to compromise. Or, in other words, they don’t feel betrayed when asked to give up their Saturdays for soccer games over shopping just because their guy just wants them there. Sitting on the couch. Doing nothing. With them cheering on Germany over Argentina. LBBs? Well, let’s just say we can’t quite figure out why it is such a big deal for us to go shopping over viewing Husband yelling at the referee for the “incredibly bad call.”
There’s more. But, that should stop the debate over whether there differences at all. There are.
1. It’s about time. (Just thought I’d get that one out of the way, right away.)
2. Well, we never thought you’d take the plunge.
3. He must be some special perfect man (read: to put up with your stubborn self) to have won you (read: because you’re so picky).
4. What changed your mind about marriage? (Note to everyone everywhere: it’s not that we didn’t WANT marriage, it’s that we waited for the RIGHT person.)
5. We were wondering if you liked men.
6. I guess we can’t call you spinster anymore. Yuk-yuk.
7. We have to meet this guy!
8. So, I guess he doesn’t want children, huh? (Thanks for pointing out that I’m shrivelling up before your very eyes.)
9. Thank goodness he has already (or insert: does not want) children. What would you have done? (Is my crone-hood that obvious?)
10. Why bother now? (Because, really, if we aren’t going to breed, what’s the point, right?)
11. Oh, your wedding is on Labor Day Weekend? Sorry, we already have plans (a year from now). But, it won’t be that big of a wedding anyway, right?
12. No, I’m not wearing that color in your wedding. (Okay, you can wear the dress you made me wear in your wedding.)
13. White, huh?
Place Foot In Mouth
Posted by: | CommentsThis past weekend, as Sister and I were lounging in my mom’s pool, the subject of her upcoming (second) marriage came up. The dialogue went like this:
Sister: Well, since this is the second time, we’ve been talking about eloping.
Me: Yeah, that’s a great idea. I’d do it. The second time — just elope. I’ve already had the wedding.
Husband, overhearing from his lounger poolside: So glad you have a plan for your next husband.
Oops.
At least he laughed.
Study Shows Divorce is Infectious
Posted by: | CommentsRoyalty all around us is taking the marital plunge. Princess Victoria of Sweden recently wed her former-fitness-trainer boyfriend. (You just have to love the Swede’s nature of equality.). Prince Albert of Monaco announced he’s getting married. And, of course, the speculation around Prince William of England getting engaged to Kate Middleton continues at a fever pitch. Will he pop the question soon? I mean it’s been nine years already.
At the same time, Husband and I been having a similar bout of marital changes in our sphere, but mostly around break ups.
Divorce is hard no matter which way you cut it. I haven’t gone through one myself, but Husband has. So, have my parents (more than once). And, many friends are now grappling with that decision. In our life, we’ve had several couples in our midst break up in the last year or so.
We are also about to experience two re-marriages, which has been most heartening. Both of these friends were over 40 and found, what they call, “true loves” after suffering too many years through unsatisfying relationships. So, for anyone believing love has passed them by take heart. In the words of my mother who found marital bliss after age 60 – it ain’t over ‘til its over.
As a relatively newcomer to marriage, albeit later in life, I have mixed feelings about these changes. I find these breakups – even the ones that are being reborn in the form of new and better relationships — both distressing and heartening.
First, we all want our friends and family to be happy. If something is not making you happy, then go forth and change something.
But, we also like it when the band decides to stay together. We form friendships with each other that include spouses and partners. When it changes as drastic as divorce demands, it changes the touring schedule (if you know what I mean). Who do you invite to what? Where is the couple in the breakup curve (talking, not talking, awkward, angry, settled?) How do we console them? What do you say that will not sound like a bumpersticker? Can we invite the “ex” when they might run into the “new one?”
Recent research shows that divorce is actually contagious. Another unsettling fact. When it comes to divorce, according to the study, friends have even more influence than siblings. The study goes on to report that people who had a divorced friend were 147 percent more likely to be divorced than people whose friends’ marriages were intact.
Thankfully, Husband and I never really fit into statistics, the usual molds, and patterns. We actually feel more committed than ever. But, it reminds us to stay vigilant. Stay the course – our course. A good reminder for all – your marriage is your own. Keep it that way. Prince William obviously has.
Romance and the Movies. Not Such a Good Deal?
Posted by: | CommentsRepeat after me: The movies are a terrible place to gain insight around relationships.
Over the weekend, Husband and I saw the movie, Sex and the City 2 (SaTC). I wanted to see it mainly for the fashion and a dose of glamour. Husband went because I wanted to go. Neither of us were quite expecting what we got.
I tried hard to love this movie, because I loved the last SaTC movie and the previous TV show. But, this one? Well. Can you spell f-a-n-t-a-s-y? It was a bit over the top even for me. And, that’s sayin’ something.
The main character, Carrie Bradshaw, was finally settled into married life with her infamous Mr. Big (John Preston). And, she was an LBB (having married for the first time over age 40).
*** Spoiler alerts ***
The movie picks up two years into their marriage, over which time she wrote a book about being married called “I Do. I Do?” Cute title. I got it immediately.
Throughout the movie, the four main characters – Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda –go through the usual angst of “what does it all mean?” and “how do we keep the twinkle in our lives?” and “how do I balance my relationship with my savvy, wonderful self-ness?” You know. All the usual LBB fodder.
Then, it struck me about half way through this movie.
- LBBs, the world over, are the same.
- LBBs don’t like to “settle.”
- LBBs kinda want it all.
But, in truth, it’s hard to feel sorry for the SaTC women.
In Sex and the City land, the characters all got what they wanted. They have men adoring them (and I mean over. the. top. adoration), have a wardrobe and shoe collection that rivals a sheik’s wife, robust careers of their choice, and live in very large, gorgeous NYC apartments (really stretching the truth there). Yet they still aren’t completely satisfied and happy.
Carrie’s angst in this particular movie is around how to keep the “sparkle” alive after marriage. Early in the movie she complains of takeout food and Husband sitting on their to-die-for couch with the TV on, and instead pining for invitations to movie premieres and a different restaurant every night.
(This made Husband and I laugh because we have regular arguing rounds over 1) our TV being on too much, and 2) not having a comfortable couch. At least Carrie and Big had one out of two.)
So, what do the SaTC ladies do? Why, go for an all-expense PR trip to Abu Dhabi because PR diva Samantha met some rich Arabian hotelier in a bar during which he suddenly had to have her – working for him, that is.
(They nearly lost me at this point in the movie. I am a public relations consultant myself and have never been flown via first class to the jewel of the Middle East to stay in a $22,000 night suite to have one meeting to see if I could work some PR magic for their hotel.)
But, I did empathize with the overall “internal questioning” these women were going through. I just do it in the hellish townhouse comfort of my own home in sweatpants versus their Middle Eastern backdrop of a billowing tent overlooking a six acre pool with a cosmo in one hand.
The big question seemed to be – is this it? How do we have a satisfying home life AND not give up the things we love? Like getting together with girlfriends. Having a major shoe collection. Having a career that gives us purpose. How do we keep the love alive between spouses (and children)? Am I losing myself? Really, is this it?
All of my married friends keep telling me, well, yes, it is. And, you don’t get to do it all.
And, this is where the LBB’s brain starts to combust. Really? We can’t have it all?
Of course, in the end of the SaTC movie, Carrie – the most angst-ridden of them all — “sees the light.” It helped that, when she returned home from her tripping through the Middle East, that her Husband said all the perfect things and gave her the perfect (3 carat) black diamond to seal the deal. Just because she’s special.
I would have settled for their comfortable couch.
How Our Compressor is Getting Us to the Movies
Posted by: | CommentsSometime in the middle of the night last night, our compressor died. Ya know the thingee that makes the A/C work? Yeah, that one. Nothing like having the A/C go out in Virginia right before Memorial Day Weekend.
Husband was complaining last night (as usual) about how hot it was when we went to bed (and, no, he wasn’t talking about me). He said, quite plainly and innocently, our compressor is dying. So, it did what all life-dependent pieces of technology in one’s life then do when you badmouth it. It obeyed.
Of course, before Husband could finish his cereal at 7 a.m. this morning, he was already on the phone with a technician. (If only I could get him to move that quickly on other things. Sigh.) Someone is coming tomorrow at 8 a.m., but Husband said it’s not looking good for anything to be fixed before the weekend.
Shhh. Be careful what you say. You’re pretty powerful there, Husband, I remarked. (But, on the other hand, maybe I can get him to start talking about our new house and it might build itself?)
And, just yesterday I was talking about how we needed to do more fun things and not work so much. Something simple, like just go to the movies more, I suggested. Who knew we were so powerful with our words? Movie theatres are notoriously overly air-conditioned. Methinks our declarations are in cahoots.
The Celebrity Clause: Taking Applications for Who’s Next in Line
Posted by: | CommentsMuch fun has been made about marital “celebrity clauses.” In case you’ve been under a rock the last 20 years, a celebrity clause in the marriage contract means that if the celebrity you’ve been secretly fantasizing about all these years suddenly shows up at your doorstep and offers themselves, you are perfectly within your rights to do “whatever” with them. Of course, you’re only allowed one night under the contract. So, make it count.
As a woman who married for the first time after age 40, I had plenty of time to lust after Matthew, Brad, Hugh, Johnny, and Denzel. And, who knew? Someday I really could meet Antonio Banderas. I travelled. I was single. (I never said feasibility was necessary for my imagination to run wild.)
But, then I got married (past my Antonio prime years). I thought all crushing would disappear. Ha.
Ask anyone who has been married a long time and you will find that you still have those little urges toward the bold and the beautiful. You just now have two people in your imagination (not necessarily at once) – Husband and [[Insert Notable Name]].
Of course, as you grow older you realize a star crush, in particular, is totally unrequited, which for me personally means my interest wanes after about a year of mooning. I can only take so much ignoring, even from George Clooney.
And, then, of course, you have to separate the roles they play on screen and stage from the real person. I have had a few hopes dashed by the tabloids when I realized that beautiful mask they adopt for audiences was much more attractive than what the paparazzi dishes up after catching them off guard (stepping out of In-n-Out Burger in Santa Monica, hung over and disheveled).
Today, I find myself “in between” celebrity crushes. In other words, I am up for grabs. (Hey, celebrity world, anyone need a new groupie?) I am presently taking interviews.
Unlike me, Husband has been able to hold his crush for a while. Her name shall remain anonymous to protect Husband. The only time his interest waned a bit is when she emerged from a hiatus with some Gawd awful plastic surgery. But, Husband’s loyalty could not be completely swayed. Not even those joker lips could stop him from swooning a bit. I, on the other hand, am quite fickle.
Who is your celebrity crush? I’m taking names…
Of Love and Mourning Doves
Posted by: | CommentsSpring has finally made its way to Virginia. And, not only does a man’s thoughts turn to love during this season, but a woman’s, too. The warmer weather has me waxing poetic about all kinds of romantic things. All we have to do it take a look in our backyards to the birds to find evidence that nature is right with us, too.
Husband and I were gifted a bird feeder for a wedding present from our friend Gretchen. And, we have found the various birds who visit us regularly now are quite romantic. The Mourning Doves are some of my favorites (also known as Western Turtle Doves).
Soft gray, always having a pleasant look on their “face,” making big round cooing sounds, and apparently prolific breeders, these particular birds amuse me for all kinds of reasons. For one, they are, well, how shall I put this? a tad zaftig.
If there are eating disorders in the bird kingdom, our mourning doves don’t seem to be bothered. The dove’s roundness dwarfs the other birds – the petit house wrens, the delicate sparrows, and the even the bully blue jays. But, regardless, they are quite social and clearly aren’t feeling the peer pressure. They will come flying in, like a bull in a china shop, booting off the other birds from our bird feeder, unselfconsciously, and look around like, What? Did I do that?
They also travel in pairs. They appear quite loyal to one another.
First, the doves come in for a birdfeeder landing together. If they didn’t, the bird feeder would swing like an amusement park ride, leaving one mourning dove hanging on for dear life until it came to a standstill. As I mentioned they are quite stout.
So, they alight, one on each side, for maximum balancing. They wait until the bird feeder, now gently swaying under their weight, comes to a stop and then they start the business at hand. Eating.
These birds will eat themselves into a food coma. They chow down on bird seed until they plop, beak first, into the pile of empty seed shells on the little bird feeder shelf. Their little fluffy feathers billowing out over the tray. They will snooze for about 15 minutes like that (I’ve timed them), which has to be an eternity in bird years.
They stick together after feasting, too. One will not take off until the other emerges from their seed stupor. They then fly off together, quite quickly for such plumpness, probably on to their next feeding stop.
Amazed by this loyalty, I did a little research. Did you know a whopping 95 percent of birds are at least socially monogamous (even if just for a season)?
Having gotten married later in life – and very unlike the bird world — I visited quite a few feeders before I committed. No, we humans have to learn to be together. But, the birds? They seem to just know what’s gonna work. None of the “is he my soulmate?” stuff. They just go for whoever can balance out the bird feeder best. Ah, the simple life. Somedays, I wonder. Who is ultimately happier?
Would You Rather be a Baffona or Layogenic?
Posted by: | CommentsTres Sugar has a fun post about foreign language words and phrases that mean something around dating, romance and relationships. My favorite is Baffona, which is the Italian word for an attractive mustachioed woman. Not that I want to be one, mind you. But, leave it to the Italians to find almost anything beautiful. God bless them!
Read the comments, too. Some nice additions there.
I would add “fika,” which is Swedish. It means to take a break to have coffee with friends or family but also may or may not be a date. Apparently this is as close as you’re gonna get to romance in Sweden.
It appears that Swedish coupling is a very slow process, even though Sweden has the highest birth rate in Europe. Even the Swedes will tell you it’s a mystery. If you want to read more about Swedish dating and mating habits, read this hysterical post, called Dating in Sweden, by American blogger Kommissarie F. Curiosa at The Local.
Of course, I also add “LBB” which means Late Bloomer Bride. This is a woman who got married for the first time over age 40. Even though it’s in English, I offer it up as something “foreign” to too many.
Do you have any fun non-English words to add?
“Winning” with the Marriage Ref
Posted by: | CommentsI hate most reality shows. They are just so stupid. Providing 15 minutes of fame to someone who is willing to bare their soul (read: look like an idiot because that’s what brings in ratings) to millions of strangers in TV land. But, there is one show that is proving to be quite interesting – The Marriage Ref.
When I heard Eva Longoria Parker was going to be one of the first celebrity panelists. I thought either she really is a Desperate Housewife, or this show has got some muscle behind it.
So, we watched. It’s not bad. In fact, it’s actually really funny without being laborious or too condescending.
The show has a simple premise: A couple has a long-standing issue. They allow their disagreement to be filmed. A panel of celebrities then weighs in on the issue and gives advice to The Marriage Ref, Tom Papa, who ultimately declares who’s right. The Marriage Ref provides what we all want. A winner. End of fight.
The celebrities so far have included some heavy weights – Madonna, Ricky Gervais, Alec Baldwin, Larry David, Kelly Ripa, Jerry Seinfeld, and, of course, Eva.
An added bonus is I feel really good about Husband.
I am fortunate that I am not married to a man who wants to stuff his dog (it died) and put it in the living room. Or, that he wants to keep a prosthetic leg of his former (now dead) spouse. Or, that he has a dining room table that we’re only allowed to use once a year (Thanksgiving). Otherwise, it sits empty, though fully “dressed,” looking pretty. Or, that he treats the pet Iguana better than me. These are the things other married couples are dealing with.
(At one point Ricky Gervais noted, this is madness. This is the weirdest show I have ever been on. Like I’ve always said, marriage — it’s funny.)
So, got an issue? NBC is seeking couples who want what we all want – a final answer. I understand its permanent home will be Thursday night, 10 p.m. Eastern, on NBC.
