Archive for Why an LBB?
1. It’s about time. (Just thought I’d get that one out of the way, right away.)
2. Well, we never thought you’d take the plunge.
3. He must be some special perfect man (read: to put up with your stubborn self) to have won you (read: because you’re so picky).
4. What changed your mind about marriage? (Note to everyone everywhere: it’s not that we didn’t WANT marriage, it’s that we waited for the RIGHT person.)
5. We were wondering if you liked men.
6. I guess we can’t call you spinster anymore. Yuk-yuk.
7. We have to meet this guy!
8. So, I guess he doesn’t want children, huh? (Thanks for pointing out that I’m shrivelling up before your very eyes.)
9. Thank goodness he has already (or insert: does not want) children. What would you have done? (Is my crone-hood that obvious?)
10. Why bother now? (Because, really, if we aren’t going to breed, what’s the point, right?)
11. Oh, your wedding is on Labor Day Weekend? Sorry, we already have plans (a year from now). But, it won’t be that big of a wedding anyway, right?
12. No, I’m not wearing that color in your wedding. (Okay, you can wear the dress you made me wear in your wedding.)
13. White, huh?
Marriage: Makes Life Interesting? Or Adds to Happiness?
Posted by: | CommentsPenelope Trunk’s blog, Brazen Careerist, gives a very interesting perspective on life. Her recent posts on happiness – the definition of it, the desire for it, and the overall pursuit of it – got me thinking about marriage, especially the “later in life” kind.
Trunk believes that people fall into two categories: those people who pursue a happy life and those people who pursue an interesting life.
I took her test in her latest blog post: Test: Is your life happy or interesting? I came out as someone who wanted to be interesting more than happy.
Her premise about happiness versus interesting made me ponder about why we get married. Do we get married because we believe it will make us happy? Or, do we commit to one person because we think it add to the “interesting-ness” of our lives?
I think women who marry later in life may be looking for a life that is more remarkable than content. And, their marital partners are committed to the same. Here’s why.
For most of us, we tend to fall into two categories around marriage: those who really want to just be married and those who want to be married to a specific type of person. Late bloomer brides (LBBs) tend to always fall in the latter category. This doesn’t mean those who got married earlier in life just settled for “whomever.” But, early marriages could be either category. LBBs definitely are in the second group and rarely in the first.
Why?
1. LBBs look for “the one.” Almost all the late bloomer brides I have come to know seem to have waited to marry someone they felt was “right.” They weren’t willing to “settle” for anyone who just popped the question or someone they could just live with. They weren’t looking for someone to make them happy or complete their life. They could do that on their own. Rather, they were holding out for someone they couldn’t live without – someone who interests them more days than not. Finding that person takes some time. Hence, the after 40 part.
2. LBBs have high standards. We explored, investigated, searched. In the meantime, we still had lots of time to ourselves. We had time to make career moves, travel, figure out favorite shoe stores, cities, breakfast foods — all by our lonesomes. We became more interesting as people because of it. Thus, the bar for a partner is raised. We want to be with people who have done things, too. We need someone who is very interesting to us.
3. LBBs will never be shackled again. When I was 10 years old, I distinctly remember having moments of absolute desperation to get somewhere – anywhere but there. I was held captive spent my childhood in a very small country town, with no money, and bound to do what all kids do – go to the same school building to sit, learn and listen for hours and hours and hours on end. I knew there was stuff going on Out There. And, I was being kept from it.
And, you know what? I was right.
There was a lot going on Out There. And, it was very, very interesting. The first week out of college felt like I had been let out of prison. And, I wasn’t going back. So, I was bound and determined not to be committed to another’s life until I was ready. I suspect many women who wait until after age 40 to get married have a similar tale to tell.
4. LBBs enjoy the journey as much as the destination. Our 20s and 30s are filled with exploring – again, career, travel, friends, experiences, hobbies, you name it. And, if a guy wanted to come along that was great. But, for the most part, we were more committed to the journey than committed to just settling down. It’s not that we aren’t goal oriented. It’s just that there is a lot of interesting scenery and pit-stops to take in. We don’t want to miss anything.
So, why would a woman who has high standards, be wary of being “shackled,” and who loves the voyage choose to get married? Because Husband was more interesting than all of that. And, he wants to do interesting things. Having an interesting life makes this LBB happy.
(Note to younger married peeps everywhere: if you got married early in life, this does not mean you are not an interesting person. For all I know, you met your soul mate in high school and still went on to all manners of interestingness that we all can only dream about.)
An LBB’s Advice in Finding Love: Seek Happiness First, Then A Mate
Posted by: | CommentsNow and again, I get a reader who writes to me asking for advice on how to land a man. (Yes, the word “land” is usually used.) They are less interested in what I’ve discovered about marriage, and more interested in how to get in the game themselves. Apparently, my getting married after age 40 for the first time, means somehow I know something.
So, I share what I know and hope they can avoid the bazillion many mistakes I made along the way.
For more than 20 years, I dated, loved, co-habitated (briefly), searched for (and systemically gave up on), pined for, cried over, lusted for, laughed with, and generally hung out with, lots of guys. I had nine serious boyfriends before I got married. Most of them were one year- to two year-long relationships. My friend Y called me a “man trainer,” because a few of them got married right after me (one of them, eloped the next day with someone he neglected to tell me he was also seeing).
So, you could say I learned a lot. But, in typical late bloomer fashion, it took me a while to really get it.
If I could go back in time and start dating all over again, below is the advice I would give myself if I was seeking to get married all over again. (I only hope that I would have listened.)
First, ask yourself something. Are you sure you want to be married? Because just “landing” someone is easy. Landing someone you want to stick around – to the bitter end — is a whole other ball game.
Secondly, know that once married you are going to have to share everything. This means from the bed to the remote control, from the food to your time. If you like having most things to yourself, your husband will quickly begin to feel an interloper. Consider what daily life might look like when married.
Now, do you want to be a wife (versus just being a mother or seeking a father figure or sugar daddy)? Everyone has a different version of what “being a wife” means, but the general rules apply – you’ll be faithful, tend to his needs (and hopefully, he’ll do the same), believe in his dreams, be physically attracted to him, generally like him, and are committed to a future with him. Ya know, the basics. Does a “wife” role — regardless of your definition — appeal to you? Because, if you really just want someone who will help out around the house, do your taxes, change your oil, etc. – hire people. It’s less trouble, trust me.
Also, if you’re just looking for a regular sex partner – find yourself a playmate. ‘Cause husbands don’t leave after the deed. So, you better have something to say (and feel) about the person afterward.
So, still ready? Well, okay, then. Get in the game. A few words of wisdom:
- Vet often, vet early. Men usually tell you who they are right away. Believe them. And, you decide if they are either in or out. Choose.
- Is he “coming at” you? Men who do not seem interested, well, they aren’t. Men either want you or they don’t. You will know. Don’t waste your time on anyone who isn’t interested. The theory born from the HBO show, Sex and the City, which tried to show women that oftentimes “he’s just not that into you,” is truth.
- Look for a man who wants to be a husband – not just someone who wants a wife, or heaven forbid, a mother. (See “do you really want to be a wife” above.)
- Find out right away how he feels about his mother. His mother was his first female relationship, and it colors most future ones. If he loves her, great. If he still has the apron strings firmly tied around his butt, walk away. If he hates her, run. Fast.
- Does he want to make you happy? (No one can make you happy, but it doesn’t hurt to have someone wanting to contribute.)
- Is he happy? Warning: Do not — I repeat — do not start a relationship with someone who is addicted to misery. They will not be happy until you are not.
- Will you allow yourself to be affected by him? And, will he allow you to affect him? Read: Change. I know all about “accepting people for who they are,” but you might as well marry a rock if your guy is immoveable and inflexible. Same goes for you.
- How’s his sense of humor? You’re gonna need a big one to stay married. Being “heavy and significant” all the time is just plain annoying.
- Does he take care of himself? This is a big clue for what his future health might hold, as well as how he will take care of you.
- How does he feel about aging? Does he make it known he pines for a Victoria’s Secret model someday? Will he still find you attractive in sweats? You don’t really need me to explain these last questions, do you? You know what to do here.
So, go forth and discover. Just remember – wherever you are in your marital status, seek happiness first. Then, someone to share it with.
Famous Late Bloomer Brides
Posted by: | CommentsFirst time brides over age 40 come in all forms, from all backgrounds. And, we are in good company! Some famous Late Bloomer Brides include:
- Kate Walsh – Married for the first time at age 40. Always plays smart characters. Guess she wanted to wait to make a smart decision.
- Marcia Cross – Married for the first time at age 44. Clearly, this desperate housewife, was not desperate.
- Julianna Marguiles – Married for the first time at age 41. Her character spent years kissing George Clooney on ER. Enough said.
- Julia Child – Married for the first time at age 37. Okay, she was “only” 37. But, in 1948, that might have been 40.
- Lisa Loeb – Married for the first time at age 41. And, they’re havin’ a baby!
Who else joins us? Any additions?
Scandinavia—Land of My Peeps
Posted by: | CommentsFor some reason the Universe keeps pointing me East. Not to the Far East. No, it’s telling me to stop far short of that. It’s whispering Scandinavia.
Everywhere I turn I am seeing, hearing, reading things about Scandinavia, especially Sweden and Denmark. So Husband and I are planning (okay, well, I am planning for us) a vacation to Sweden sometime in the next 12 months. Because, I obey the universe when it calls. Plus, how could you not want to visit the part of the world that invented the sauna, the smorgasbord (pickled herring aside), ABBA and the Nobel Peace prize?
It also appears, this is the land of my people. My LBB peeps.
Oprah recently did a show* — guys, stay with me here – taking a look at how women live in different countries. She (but mostly her crew) travelled from Denmark to Rio, from Tokyo to Dubai, to take a peek into the daily lives of families in each of these very different places. Naturally, she started with Denmark as she recently was there to help lobby for the next Olympic games to be held in Chicago (in case you haven’t heard, Rio won the bid). She was struck at how happy everyone seemed to be. A show was born.
Did you know the happiest people in the world are in Denmark**? The women I saw from there on Oprah’s show were positively glowing.
Interestingly, this country has a lot of late bloomer brides. In reality, “late bloomer” probably isn’t even a concept there. But, they do get married later or not at all. In fact, marriage is slowly going out of fashion all over Scandinavia, according to my (very unscientific Google) research.
As what one Danish woman interviewed on Oprah said, getting married isn’t a goal in Denmark. Rather, finding the right mate is. (And, we all know at least one friend in the U.S. who seemed more interested in the wedding than the marriage.)
At the same time, Scandinavians appear to have a very strong commitment to family. It’s just the paper-between-each-other-thing that has been viewed as, well, not always that necessary. What constitutes a family in Scandinavia is based on parenthood, not marriage. (Sixty percent of first-born children in Denmark have unmarried parents, according to this Weekly Standard article***.)
If you are an American woman over the age of 35, there was a high likelihood it was drilled into your head that in order to be “complete” you must get married — preferably as soon as possible. It’s a societal directive that is hard to shake. And, this silent command has put lots of women in unhappy positions**** – like working themselves to death between the office, the nursery and the home.
So, feeling the pressure? Consider Scandinavia. (Just don’t blame me about the taxes.)
P.S. Father (as in my father) is wondering how I am going to handle the famous Scandinavian cold when we arrive in Sweden. As the family geneologist, he says we have Viking in our background so he understands the pull (but that somehow my blood was corrupted along the way with my aversion to the cold). Simple, really. I plan on spending much quality time in the saunas, of which I am promised exist every 10 feet.
P.S.S. Very interesting articles on the subjects above:
*Women Around the World by Oprah and her army
**Denmark: The Happiest Place on earth, report by ABC News
***The End of Marriage in Scandinavia by Stanley Kurtz
****The Real Reason American Women Are So Unhappy by Sharon Lerner
Article: Benefits to Being a Late Bloomer
Posted by: | CommentsHere’s another fun article, 5 Benefits To Being A Late Bloomer, by Jed Mellick, for all the late bloomers out there. Unlike people who like to be “first” at everything, we late bloomers may be wise for waiting. There are benefits to not being the “early adopter” of everything, he surmises. Check it out.
Are LBBs High Maintenance?
Posted by: | CommentsI was just sent a really fun article by my friend, J, titled Four Signs She’s High Maintenance by Marcia Jedd. We found this article amusing and enlightening. He mused, are LBB’s late because they are not settling for anything less than the best or are they so high maintenance that no one has sealed the deal with them? Hmm, interesting thought. Discuss amongst yourselves…
Tomorrow, I’ll give some LBB perspective on one of the “signs” the author puts forth. Can you guess which one it might be?
(By the way, I googled “high maintenance” and was hit with a tidal wave of lists one should peruse to see if your date or partner is part of this (seeming) trend. Try it. It’s informative.)
Does Husband Read Your Blog?
Posted by: | CommentsI get regularly asked, what does Husband think of your blog? The truth is, I don’t think he reads it much. One, he doesn’t have much time because Husband is a very, very busy man, and two, he knew who he married. Only if he thought it was damaging to us would I consider taking it down.
You see, you can ask an LBB not to do something and she’ll think about it. Maybe. Because most LBBs are independent, not bending to the will of the norm. If we did, we would have married the first guy who asked, or worse, went on a M.R.S. mission and gotten married before she was 25 if it killed her. We aren’t those people. LBBs are romantics. We wait until we find The One.
This is not to say that younger brides didn’t wait for Mr. Right, either. More power to you if you found him early! We did not. So, do not take offense. We just were not settling for what was just “on sale.” Sales have their place – shoes, for instance. But, not in men.
So, I held out for Husband. And, that meant finding someone who would not squelch my need to vent my creativity. I have always written. And, while I always knew life was funny, marriage is funnier. Especially the later kind. So, I laugh. And, I write. (It also helps for those times — when I am snickering to myself — that there is the presence of a keyboard and typing. That way no one thinks I’m crazy, just seeing pink giraffes.)
(For the record, I promised Husband that I would not make look bad. How am I doing?)
When To Get Married
Posted by: | CommentsHi – it’s me again. As an add-on to yesterday’s post, I’d like to go on the record that I am not against marrying young. I’m not against marriage at any age. I also am not against staying single. I just believe you should get married when you meet someone you cannot live without. Or at least you imagine you living without. Because let’s face it, we’d be okay just like the guy in Logan’s Run who lived with all those cats for so many years in the Capitol Building.
(Digression: If you have not seen the movie, Logan’s Run, really, you should rent it. It is a hoot and it will give you tremendous insight into what people in the 1970s thought about the future. Not to mention, it apparently launched Farrah Fawcett’s career. And, those of us born in the 60s still really love Farrah and wish we had her 1970s hair. Okay, back to the real story…)
It should not matter at what age you decide to marry. So, only say “yes” when you really mean it. NOT because it adds to the GNP or you feel it’s “just time,” or it adds to grandma’s scrap book. I’m just sayin’…
What do you think?
Is Holding Out For Love Wrong? Just Say No.
Posted by: | CommentsI just got around to reading the Sunday Washington Post. (Hey, it takes some time!) And, you’ll never guess what I found. An article titled “Say Yes. What are you waiting for?”
Written by Mark Regnerus, an associate professor of sociology at the University of Texas at Austin, the article positively waxes poetic about marriage, especially the younger kind.
He states that Americans really should go back to marrying young.
First, he lists reasons why people wait. For instance, perhaps the idea of losing one’s youth, freedom and the ability to “do as they pleased” – traditionally the male’s idea of marriage – has been adopted by women. (You betcha.)
Also, another reason he lists is that people are scared off from marrying too early because they have the notion that getting married young increases the likelihood of getting divorced. But, Regnerus says our notion is flawed. “Getting married too young” really means before age 20. Apparently marriages that begin between ages 20 and 22 are not nearly as likely to end in divorce as we think. (He may be right. Rather, I’m pretty sure if I had married whoever I was dating between 20 and 22 there is a fair chance I’d be in jail before divorced. They do that when you shoot someone who drives you positively crazy.)
The author then makes some pretty compelling reasons for getting married sooner than later.
One big reason is economics. Apparently, the ability to combine incomes, such as food, gas, electricity, etc. increases one’s personal wealth base. This is considered Very Important.
(He obviously has never lived with Husband. I am not allowed to touch Husband’s laundry. I’m not allowed to sneak in my Pilates clothes while he isn’t looking either. Water savings: None. Husband also insists on driving himself everywhere in case he needs to make a hasty escape from girl talk. Gas savings? Nil. And, I’ve already blogged about the two TVs. Read: too much electricity usage. So much for the cost savings.)
But, let’s say I followed the “perspective” this article offers. I probably could have found someone in my 20s to marry that I could live with. (Jail, notwithstanding.) According to the article, I guess I was wrong to wait for someone to marry with whom I could not live without.
It’s funny that the word “love” appeared just three times in the entire 1,466 word article. Hmmm.
He concludes the article with an anecdote about “Jennifer,” one of his students, who is marrying at age 23. He praises her for her forward-thinking. She feels “affection” for her fiance, and, why should she spend her youth bar hopping?
I, on the other hand, apparently wasted my youth travelling, building a career, developing a spiritual outlook, supporting friends and family, learning to dance, write, sing….oh, and visiting clubs and bars occasionally. I guess, it was all wasted because I was single doing it with the occasional boyfriend thrown in.
So, for the good of society, I suppose it’s better for young people to find someone they feel affectionate toward and just merge. It’s only we LBBs who foolishly hold out for true love.
Sorry. (Not.)
