Getting married “older” is on the rise in the United States. Approximately 28 million single women over 35 in the United States exist, according to the 2000 U.S. Census, with 6.2 million never having been married before (versus widowed or divorced). Most of the more highly educated women in this category will contemplate — or actually get—married in the next 10 years, according to the Council On Contemporary Families.

But, will they be prepared? Yes, older single women are better educated, more economically and financial stable, and are more accomplished and successful than ever before. But, navigating marriage? This is a whole new ballgame.

Since saying “I do” five years ago, I’ve discovered that getting married after age 40 is different from getting married, say, in your 20s. It’s vastly different. I believe this because my “younger married” friends think I’m either incredibly wise or incredibly crazy when I raise certain marital issues.

To get answers I found I had to do my own research. I googled. I visited bookstores. I asked experts. Guess what?

If you need dating or getting-married advice, thousands of blogs, articles, and whole book sections exist. If you are divorced, widowed or embarking on a second marriage, you’ll meet the same excess of resources. But, navigating marriage for the first time over age 40? I found so little guidance, I had to start this blog.

I was hoping to entice other “late bloomer brides” (LBBs) out of the wood work to start talking. And, they did, underscoring what I suspected all along – marriage is both easier and harder for us.

I submit that three aspects of marriage are perceived differently by an LBB from a younger bride. And, I’m going to blog about them all week. They include:

• Compromise
• The Pace of Life
• Sharing Space

Stay tuned for how these aspects of marriage unfold for an LBB.

My friend, the St. Louis Working Mom, has a similar experience when people find out she has teenagers.

To those individuals who told me “it’s about time” I got married, when we announced our engagement, I might now say, “yeah, well I was waiting for my harem of lovers to give me permission to add one more. But, they are kinda selfish about me…” I try to be as kind as I can to the stupid people. But, every once in a while I just want to retort.

So, below is a list  for all you LBBs out there needing some good responses for all the positively crass things people might say to you. I recommend printing it out and having it made into a wallet size. ‘Cause if you haven’t heard these yet – you very will could. This one’s for you StLWM!

1. The remark: Well, we never thought you’d take the plunge. The nice response: Thanks for thinking I’m so special. The response I really want to give: Yeah, it’s tough being wanted by so many men. It was just so hard to choose, you know? Oh, well, maybe you don’t.
2. The remark: He must be some special perfect man to have won you. The nice response: Why, yes, he is. I held out for the best. The response I really want to give:  Yeah, what happened in your case? I mean, [[insert his/her spouse’s name]], really??
3. The remark: What changed your mind about marriage? The nice response: I waited for the right man. The response I really want to give:  I saw just how miserable everyone else was being married, I thought I’d join all of you.
4. The remark: We were wondering if you liked men. The nice response: I always did. The response I really want to give:  Actually, I like both. [[insert name of new husband/fiancé] and I both do (wink-wink) if you know what I mean.
5. The remark: I guess we can’t call you spinster anymore.  The nice response: Do they even have those anymore?  The response I really want to give:  Does that mean I can’t call you a bitch anymore?
6. The remark: We have to meet this guy. The nice response: He’s dying to meet you, too. The response I really want to give:  No. You’re not allowed.
7. The remark: So, I guess he doesn’t want children, huh? The nice response: We aren’t going to talk about our deeply personal business outside of our relationship. The response I really want to give: Actually, our adoption papers just came in. We’re taking over for octo-mom.
8. The remark: Thank goodness he has already (or insert: does not want) children. What would you have done? The nice response: I guess that means we’re perfect for each other. The response I really want to give: Probably killed myself, because that’s what you’re supposed to do when you don’t have children, right?
9. The remark: Why bother now? The nice response: It’s never too late for love. The response I really want to give: I asked myself that very same thing when you told me you were getting a new job, new boyfriend, new house, new car, new [[insert]].
10. The remark: Oh, your wedding is on Labor Day Weekend? Sorry, we already have plans (a year from now). But, it won’t be that big of a wedding anyway, right? The nice response: We’ll miss you. The response I really want to give: Sooo glad I threw you two bridal showers, a bachelorette party and wore that paisley dress in your wedding when I was only making $800 a week. Oh, but you were 28 and that means your wedding was more special, huh?
11. The remark: No, I’m not wearing that color in your wedding. The nice response: Please? For me? The response I really want to give: Okay, you can wear that chartreuse green dress you made me wear in your wedding. It’s a size 4, so start starving.
12. The remark: White, huh? The nice response: Yes. The response I really want to give: I thought about wearing scarlet red. You know like you did. But then I thought, hmmm, that’s really not my best color.

 And, the final thing you might hear, courtesy of Laurie, the LBB:

 13.  Stupid remark: Thank goodness. We were worried who was going to take care of you. The nice response: No need to worry, I’ve been fine. The response I really want to give: What, are you from the 50s or something? Who do you think has been paying the mortgage all these years? Santa Claus?

Ways in which LBBs are different from Younger Married Women (YMW):

1. To have (our own) children or not to have (our own) children. Unless we are able to pull off a medical miracle, this one has pretty much been decided for us. I know someone will comment that they were over 40 and gave birth to a beautiful baby, effortlessly. But, my lovely, you are the extreme exception. Ask any medical professional and they will tell you the same thing. If you are over 40, you’re done. So, we either already have them or aren’t going to have them (or will adopt). You youngins’, for the most part, still have options before you (and internal debating to do).
2. The merging of stuff. I don’t care if you were born rich and have an entirely furnished apartment by the time you are 23. You still will never have as much stuff as we do. We have simply been on the planet longer. This means we have more personal momentos, more experiences, more people, and just plain more things than anyone under 30. And, merging all this with another is why HGTV has entire shows dedicated to cleaning out the clutter, merging spaces, and his and her design interventions. Someone’s got to keep that channel in business.
3. Sense of Self. Everyone continues to evolve as they grow older, But, well, some things have been established by the time you are 40. We know who we are. And, quite frankly, if we change it’s because we want to. When you are 28, you are going to change even when you don’t want to. You have experiences ahead of you that you won’t quite know what to do with. They will impact you in a way that would not impact someone who has lived for two decades as an adult. We LBBs think we know ourselves to the level that we don’t believe we’ll change much. (Note to me: You’ve still got some evolving to do, so don’t get too comfy. You just don’t realize it.) This difference lies in our opinions about ourselves. 
4. Our sense of compromise may be skewed. We can’t tell (well) when compromising is, well, compromising over betraying ourselves. LBBs have been so used to doing it our way for so long, that when asked to do something differently, well, sometimes we don’t know what to do with it. Younger people seem to be more malleable. They appear more amenable to compromise. Or, in other words, they don’t feel betrayed when asked to give up their Saturdays for soccer games over shopping just because their guy just wants them there. Sitting on the couch. Doing nothing. With them cheering on Germany over Argentina. LBBs? Well, let’s just say we can’t quite figure out why it is such a big deal for us to go shopping over viewing Husband yelling at the referee for the “incredibly bad call.”

There’s more. But, that should stop the debate over whether there differences at all. There are.

2. Well, we never thought you’d take the plunge.

3. He must be some special perfect man (read: to put up with your stubborn self) to have won you (read: because you’re so picky).

4. What changed your mind about marriage? (Note to everyone everywhere: it’s not that we didn’t WANT marriage, it’s that we waited for the RIGHT person.)

5. We were wondering if you liked men.

6. I guess we can’t call you spinster anymore. Yuk-yuk.

7. We have to meet this guy!

8. So, I guess he doesn’t want children, huh? (Thanks for pointing out that I’m shrivelling up before your very eyes.)

9. Thank goodness he has already (or insert: does not want) children. What would you have done? (Is my crone-hood that obvious?)

10.  Why bother now? (Because, really, if we aren’t going to breed, what’s the point, right?)

11.  Oh, your wedding is on Labor Day Weekend? Sorry, we already have plans (a year from now). But, it won’t be that big of a wedding anyway, right?

12.  No, I’m not wearing that color in your wedding. (Okay, you can wear the dress you made me wear in your wedding.)

13.  White, huh?

Trunk believes that people fall into two categories: those people who pursue a happy life and those people who pursue an interesting life.

I took her test in her latest blog post: Test: Is your life happy or interesting? I came out as someone who wanted to be interesting more than happy.  

Her premise about happiness versus interesting made me ponder about why we get married. Do we get married because we believe it will make us happy? Or, do we commit to one person because we think it add to the “interesting-ness” of our lives?

I think women who marry later in life may be looking for a life that is more remarkable than content. And, their marital partners are committed to the same. Here’s why.

For most of us, we tend to fall into two categories around marriage: those who really want to just be married and those who want to be married to a specific type of person. Late bloomer brides (LBBs) tend to always fall in the latter category. This doesn’t mean those who got married earlier in life just settled for “whomever.” But, early marriages could be either category. LBBs definitely are in the second group and rarely in the first.

Why?

1. LBBs look for “the one.” Almost all the late bloomer brides I have come to know seem to have waited to marry someone they felt was “right.” They weren’t willing to “settle” for anyone who just popped the question or someone they could just live with. They weren’t looking for someone to make them happy or complete their life. They could do that on their own. Rather, they were holding out for someone they couldn’t live without ­– someone who interests them more days than not. Finding that person takes some time. Hence, the after 40 part.

2.  LBBs have high standards. We explored, investigated, searched. In the meantime, we still had lots of time to ourselves. We had time to make career moves, travel, figure out favorite shoe stores, cities, breakfast foods — all by our lonesomes. We became more interesting as people because of it. Thus, the bar for a partner is raised. We want to be with people who have done things, too. We need someone who is very interesting to us.

3. LBBs will never be shackled again.  When I was 10 years old, I distinctly remember having moments of absolute desperation to get somewhere – anywhere but there. I was held captive spent my childhood in a very small country town, with no money, and bound to do what all kids do – go to the same school building to sit, learn and listen for hours and hours and hours on end. I knew there was stuff going on Out There. And, I was being kept from it.

And, you know what? I was right.

There was a lot going on Out There. And, it was very, very interesting. The first week out of college felt like I had been let out of prison. And, I wasn’t going back. So, I was bound and determined not to be committed to another’s life until I was ready. I suspect many women who wait until after age 40 to get married have a similar tale to tell.

4. LBBs enjoy the journey as much as the destination. Our 20s and 30s are filled with exploring – again, career, travel, friends, experiences, hobbies, you name it. And, if a guy wanted to come along that was great. But, for the most part, we were more committed to the journey than committed to just settling down. It’s not that we aren’t goal oriented. It’s just that there is a lot of interesting scenery and pit-stops to take in. We don’t want to miss anything.

So, why would a woman who has high standards, be wary of being “shackled,” and who loves the voyage choose to get married? Because Husband was more interesting than all of that. And, he wants to do interesting things. Having an interesting life makes this LBB happy.

(Note to younger married peeps everywhere: if you got married early in life, this does not mean you are not an interesting person. For all I know, you met your soul mate in high school and still went on to all manners of interestingness that we all can only dream about.)